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Am I a Monster? Please Help me

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Am I a Monster? Please Help me

Postby exhausted123321 » Thu Apr 08, 2021 9:11 am

I have had OCD my whole life. It started out as perfectionism, then germs, then rituals to prevent harm and now it has turned into intrusive thoughts. The intrusive thoughts are geared toward vulnerable sections of the population.

Because of the intrusive thoughts I am literally terrified of doing anything wrong. I don't really leave the house, and restructure my day to avoid any possible scenario where something could go wrong.
Everything from the clothes I wear to all my decisions in the day are based upon avoiding these intrusive thoughts. I get them probably every thirty seconds of the day. It is exhausting.


As an avid exerciser and because of Covid and the gyms being closed, I woke up at three AM to go exercise at an outdoor fitness thing in the park (woke up specifically this early to avoid people in the park). I like to listen to music while working out so I use my phone. This morning I had already done 15 million things to "defend" against these intrusive thoughts and was just happy to leave. All of the sudden I get an intrusive thought about my phone being dirty, contaminated with grossness, germs, and other bodily fluids. The thought was I would be touching my phone and touching the exercise equipment that others would be touching, especially vulnerable population. The intrusive thought tries to make it perverted. My first reaction was alright I just wont bring my phone. But then in my head I lost it. I snapped. Tired of all of this $#%^ that others don't overthink. In my head I said fine you know what. I don't give give a $#%^. I am going to touch my phone and touch the equipment and I don't care who touches it. But then I went a step further because I snapped and I said in my brain in fact you know what, I want people to touch it, be the bad guy be the bad guy in my brain, just give in.

I didn't end up going. I am upset because these were not intrusive thoughts. They were my "own" thoughts. I chose to have them and I lost it and snapped in my head. Just from being exhausted.

My phone is on the counter and I am contemplating throwing it out because now that I chose to have those thoughts I feel like if I ever touch it again and touch something it would be my will. I have thrown out clothes before because of similar thoughts. I feel ashamed for everything.
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Re: Am I a Monster? Please Help me

Postby Snaga » Thu Apr 08, 2021 3:04 pm

Hello and welcome to the forums!

It seems to me you almost had the answer to the obsession, but then it slipped your grasp. I would go out of my way to not care who touches what, if I were fighting that OCD fear.

You do realise that it's been said that a person's cell phone is one of the dirtiest things they have, right? Meaning there's probably more of your germs on your phone, than other peoples' germs on the equipment- especially considering that equipment is exposed to the elements.

Not that OCD has to make much sense. But you're simply going to have to find a way to make yourself not care who touches what.
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Re: Am I a Monster? Please Help me

Postby FamilyDisgrace » Sat Apr 10, 2021 5:12 am

As someone who struggles with intrusive thoughts myself, here's my interpretation of your situation.

After all these years of what is essentially a bully living inside your head, you fought back. And now your OCD is angry. How dare you file away something as negligible?!? This isn't some evil mustache twirling version of yourself that you've been suppressing. This is you finally having enough of your condition dictating how you live your life 24/7.

Somewhere deep down you know that whatever contribution you may add to the pool of germs on that equipment is very likely not going to do much, if anything at all. That equipment is for the public, right? Then that means it's been touched by hundreds, if not thousands of people before you, and I guarantee you that hardly any of them think of who's going to touch it next. And it's not because they don't care about the vulnerable. It's because they know that efforts to keep it 100% clean is going to be a futile effort. Even if you brought a bottle of Lysol with you, it's likely the equipment will just get "contaminated" by something or someone else while you're gone.

That's not to say there isn't anything you can do to help. If I were in your shoes, what I would do is carry a small bottle of hand sanitizer with me. And when I finish setting up my phone, I'd squirt some on one hand, put away the bottle, then use the squirt to clean both my hands, and THEN use the equipment.
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