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Feel like a monster over my online past (POCD & Guilt) *TW*

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Feel like a monster over my online past (POCD & Guilt) *TW*

Postby Hubbayvdjsiu88 » Fri Feb 26, 2021 5:03 pm

*Trigger Warnings*

This is a really messed up and complex post but here goes...

I'm suffering from a lot of anxiety, trauma at PTSD triggered by stuff I've done online in the past. And I want to come 100% clean.

It started when I was 10-12 years old. I started off with getting into art and drawing my favourite cartoon characters. Then around the same time I went down the rabbit hole of searching for porn. One related image went to another and I ended up viewing hentai comics, lolicon and violent cartoon porn. I just kept getting intrigued and looking and because of that I convinced myself that I was a pedofile at that age. It was even like I enjoyed looking at it in a messed up way but I never had urges or found the content arousing.

The stuff I've seen leaked into the innocent drawings, comics and stories I'd make up as a child. Next, I'd end up drawing violent sexual pictures, making up violent "fantasies"/stories of my favourite cartoon characters and so on. I worried for years if they were real sexual fantasies but like I said, I never got aroused by them or masturbated to this kind of stuff which is the ONLY thing keeping me sane. But I was so desensitized and numb by it all.

My mum eventually found the search history and scolded me. Her reaction broke my heart and I realised how wrong it is and stopped. But after that I kept having trauma, anxiety and OCD afterwards. I saw a psychologist and they said I should be kinder to myself as I was just a child.

But I looked at that stuff up again just "to check". Ended up upset and distressed since some of the cartoon images looked realistic. But I questioned it and still worry as I kept looking at these CP hentai comics. I also for some stupid reason I ended up on a site called Rule 34 (where its porn of essentially any cartoon you can think of). I looked at the same cartoon characters I drew. I was 22-23 at the time I looked back which was a few years ago.

And stupidly this started everything off again. I ended up saving the cartoon porn images to my phone and wrote out a fanfiction on my phone to go with the pictures. The a few days later I thought, this is weird and deleted everything. What creeps me out as it is the same as what happened to me as a child. The part that is killing me is the fact that the characters are technically minors and the story included child abuse and some violence. This is incredibly confusing because I don't feel connected to this stuff sexually and never been attracted to children. What also kills me is that I was an ADULT who should've known better.

I keep having obsessions on whether I am a pedophile or if the bad stuff I've done online will come back to haunt me. I keep worrying if the stuff I've done is out there and the guilt is really eating me up. I have a lot of anxiety about Internet security and if that horrible garbage could be recovered. Because when I become less sensitised and look back, I'm horrified and repulsed over the stuff I've done. On the upside, I've never seen any real CP or anything like that. Over the past week I've been ritually checking my apple icloud security because of those few pictures and note I had on there for a few days then deleted. I keep worrying if I have been hacked or if my data has been breached from old email accounts ect ect. So I keep obsessively googling as I want that disgusting stuff done and buried.

I discussed this with my mum today and she said I was just a child. But I'm gonna come clean and tell her what happened with the "blip" I had even though this was over 3 years ago. Any advice on how to move on from this or go about telling her would be appreciated because I cannot stop obsessing, beating myself up and feeling guilty.

I despise the people who create this content (as hypocritical as it sounds) and if I ever have children (which I don't deserve to) I'll never trust them around a single smartphone or computer and will probably end up putting up parental controls like fort knox!

Not only do I feel like my childhood is ruined but I'm scared that my life is ruined over this. I feel like a monster and want to come clean. I keep having flashbacks over the stuff I've seen, stories I've written and pictures I've drawn and feel utterly sick.

Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any help!
Last edited by Snaga on Fri Feb 26, 2021 5:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: TW added, no other edits
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Re: Feel like a monster over my online past (POCD & Guilt) *TW*

Postby Snaga » Fri Feb 26, 2021 5:16 pm

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

You're not the only one to go round and round with cartoon/hentai porn.

It's nothing you desire in the real world, and you aren't drawn to actual CP- regardless of the technical legality of cartoon drawings, you don't seem very much a pedophile.

Do you think- and this goes for some of the others here, you know who I'm talking to- Do you think that perhaps going back to such drawings is a way of going back to the age in which you first saw that stuff? Or... imagining yourself being that age? I frequently go back in time, in my mind.

That doesn't make you a pedophile- it's more putting yourself in the place of the underage person, you see?

I think there's a lot of that, myself- and I think some of us confuse that with having a desire for children. When it's not. Or even when it's the opposite- the child in a person, pining for those experiences when the body was still a child.

Which again, isn't the same as being a pedophile.

You're going to have to look back dispassionately at your REAL WORLD desires- set the drawings aside- you've not wanted real children, you don't look at 'real person' CP. And decide for yourself- and this is something you have to make yourself do- decide for yourself, that you're not a pedophile, and stick to that- because your brain will scream at you that you are, in order to keep the fear up. To try and make you 'check'. Don't check. Checking just feeds the beast.

A real pedophile might feel a lot of angst over what they are- some do- but the desire is there, it's not in doubt, and it's a fight against doing something, not a fight to figure out if they're that thing. As a small slight analogy- I'm Bisexual. Didn't ask for it, have a lot of angst over it over the years, but I also am drawn to it like a moth, to a flame. Because it's not HOCD. It's Me.

If a paraphilia was You, you'd know it.
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Re: Feel like a monster over my online past (POCD & Guilt) *TW*

Postby ohmygoodness1102 » Mon Jul 12, 2021 10:00 pm

Snaga wrote:Hello, and welcome to the forums!

You're not the only one to go round and round with cartoon/hentai porn.

It's nothing you desire in the real world, and you aren't drawn to actual CP- regardless of the technical legality of cartoon drawings, you don't seem very much a pedophile.

Do you think- and this goes for some of the others here, you know who I'm talking to- Do you think that perhaps going back to such drawings is a way of going back to the age in which you first saw that stuff? Or... imagining yourself being that age? I frequently go back in time, in my mind.

That doesn't make you a pedophile- it's more putting yourself in the place of the underage person, you see?

I think there's a lot of that, myself- and I think some of us confuse that with having a desire for children. When it's not. Or even when it's the opposite- the child in a person, pining for those experiences when the body was still a child.

Which again, isn't the same as being a pedophile.

You're going to have to look back dispassionately at your REAL WORLD desires- set the drawings aside- you've not wanted real children, you don't look at 'real person' CP. And decide for yourself- and this is something you have to make yourself do- decide for yourself, that you're not a pedophile, and stick to that- because your brain will scream at you that you are, in order to keep the fear up. To try and make you 'check'. Don't check. Checking just feeds the beast.

A real pedophile might feel a lot of angst over what they are- some do- but the desire is there, it's not in doubt, and it's a fight against doing something, not a fight to figure out if they're that thing. As a small slight analogy- I'm Bisexual. Didn't ask for it, have a lot of angst over it over the years, but I also am drawn to it like a moth, to a flame. Because it's not HOCD. It's Me.

If a paraphilia was You, you'd know it.


yeah I came here to post a comment, but you said it and actually helped me too. Thank you.
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