Our partner

Am I tran or this is denial? HELP ME!

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: Snaga

Am I tran or this is denial? HELP ME!

Postby crazyfeelings » Mon Feb 15, 2021 3:32 pm

I am a 24yo girl and never had problems with my gender identity until december, 2020. This thoughts came from nowhere and bother me until today, I am struggling to discover what is true or not, let me explain and tell my history and experience. I had a history of obssessions that started on november, 2014. It was a tough time as well! I will do a list and put the year in the end.
1. I thought I had sex in the night club I was and my head kept telling me I was pregnant one day after, so I went to the drugstore and buy DIAD, even without knowing what really happened there. I did a lot of pregnancy tests too! Everyday.
2. I started to think that I lost my virginity there, so I went to the doctor and she told me that nothing happened to me.
3. Even with this information, my head kept telling me something bad happened and I started to think I was with HIV, so I had to do the test to calm my self down. But more obssessions came to me.
4. I started thinking if I really believe in God or not.
5. I started thinking if I was a lesbian or not.
6. Thoughts about being possessed by some demon or something alike.
(2014/2015).
7. Obssessed in a bad way with a job I got, I had to quit, because as the other crisis, I couldnt sleep, I couldnt eat properly. (2017).
8. Obssessed with COVID-19, where everything I touched, led me to think I was contamined. There were days I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I was dying. I used a lot of hand sanitizer and my hands in that time was dry. (The skin). Happened on March, 2020.
And now I will explain how this current crisis started:
I ate something that wasn't good for me and I was physically sick. Out of nowhere, came a thought to me that I could be with stomach cancer. I will do a list with the thoughts that came right after:
1. If I really believe in god or not, for the second time.
2. If I was satanic or something like that.
3 If I was lesbian or not, again.
4. If I really liked my boyfriend, it led me to broke up with him.
5. If I like Kids sexually or not, I couldnt even stay close of my niece. That scared me a lot!
6. The trans.
I was searching about consequences of child abuse, onde I suffered it when I was a kid and there I read something like "sexual identity problems" and then I researched what this means and after I couldn't find peace. I kept asking to everybody how I was when I was a kid, if I looked a boy, if I wished to be like a boy, but there is no evidence about it and I can't remember of something like that. Now everything in me bothers me because of these thoughts, I used to pay a girl to do my nails, even bought a dryer to take care of my hair but nothing makes sense now. My sexual parts looks strange, I can't even recognize my self and this never happened before all this things. I am really worried! I don't know who I am anymore. My hair bothers me too and this never happened, I used to like my hair a loooot and my Mother told me I never liked short hair, I have never been a tomboy, by the way and met some trans men and didnt make difference to me, but now I am doubting everything. I used to send nudes to my boyfriend and let him play with my parts and this never bothered me before, but now I keep thinking about it 24/7. That I am not satisfied with nothing that belongs to me... I even got two nipple piercings when I was younger. I don't know what is happening... people who is passing through this, I am accepting advices, some support.
* I consider myself as a bisexual woman.
* I can't imagine people treating me as masculine.
crazyfeelings
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2021 1:38 pm
Local time: Tue Apr 13, 2021 3:50 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Am I tran or this is denial? HELP ME!

Postby Snaga » Mon Feb 15, 2021 7:08 pm

Hello and welcome to the forums!

You've listed a long list of other obsessive thoughts, that I think answer your fear, if you're trans or not- I don't believe you are. This feels and looks very much like OCD style thinking. Have you talked to anyone about this? Not the trans fears in particular, just this tendency to have obsessional fears. I think you really ought to. This sound pretty debilitating, even by the standards of a lot of folks here that also suffer greatly from OCD.
Image

Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 17029
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Tue Apr 13, 2021 12:50 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Am I tran or this is denial? HELP ME!

Postby crazyfeelings » Tue Feb 16, 2021 2:17 pm

Yes, I already talked to some professionals here in Brazil, but they have a wrong idea about OCD here, it's all about cleaning and feeling of hurting someone. When I had my first crisis, I was really desperate and went to a psychologist, but in that time (I was 18), I didn't want to take any medicine, I was very stubborn about it. When the second crisis came, I went to a family doctor and he recommended me fluoxetine, but I took it just for three days and now I am doing therapy and went to a psychiatrist, asked him "what do I have, doctor?" and he told me that was TAG with some OCD symptoms, but I think it's pure OCD. I am taking ZOLOFT 50mg, but it's not working well in my case!
I forgot to write on that another post, but when I did The HIV test, the nurse extracted my blood and my head started to tell me the needle she used was used before and when this trans theme came, I was checking my body constantly, looking at the mirror everytime I went to the bathroom, squeezing my boobs, etc... I don't know If it feels like OCD thing and my family has a long historic of mental disorders like: Depression, panic syndrom, anxiety disorders and I have a cousin that currently passing through a obssesive thoughts episode, but with different obssessions.
Do you know If it's normal feeling disconnetced during OCD crisis? Like feeling that you arent you.
Sorry for my poor english and thank you for the fast answer, Snaga.
crazyfeelings
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2021 1:38 pm
Local time: Tue Apr 13, 2021 3:50 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Am I tran or this is denial? HELP ME!

Postby Snaga » Tue Feb 16, 2021 4:31 pm

crazyfeelings wrote:and he told me that was TAG with some OCD symptoms


Not sure I've seen 'TAG' before, could you expand on that?

crazyfeelings wrote:Do you know If it's normal feeling disconnetced during OCD crisis? Like feeling that you arent you.


I've had enough anxiety to dissociate before, if what you're talking about feels as if you're not you, or that you're merely watching through someone else's eyes, or that you're not the one controlling your body.
Image

Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 17029
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Tue Apr 13, 2021 12:50 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Am I tran or this is denial? HELP ME!

Postby crazyfeelings » Tue Feb 16, 2021 5:03 pm

Sorry, I used the portuguese form to talk about the disorder, but in english is Anxiety Generalized Disorder. When this episode started, I didn't feel like I was disconnected, but now I am feeling this, when I had my first episode, I remember that was a time I didn't feel anything. Any kind of feelings, I was kinda numb. I think that one and this one is the worst episodes I ever had. But my therapist and my psychiatrist seem to believe that what I have it's not related to gender problems as well.
crazyfeelings
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2021 1:38 pm
Local time: Tue Apr 13, 2021 3:50 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Am I tran or this is denial? HELP ME!

Postby Snaga » Tue Feb 16, 2021 6:42 pm

crazyfeelings wrote:When this episode started, I didn't feel like I was disconnected, but now I am feeling this, when I had my first episode, I remember that was a time I didn't feel anything. Any kind of feelings, I was kinda numb. I think that one and this one is the worst episodes I ever had. But my therapist and my psychiatrist seem to believe that what I have it's not related to gender problems as well.


I think that is probably related to anxiety, and not to any gender problems. I don't think you're trans or really have gender problems, I think this is anxiety- you have a history of it.
Image

Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 17029
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Tue Apr 13, 2021 12:50 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Am I tran or this is denial? HELP ME!

Postby crazyfeelings » Tue Feb 16, 2021 6:51 pm

Now I am with a new thought about liking men clothing and I have never had this thought before! Before this I always liked my clothes, wearing skirts, dresses and now this. But I think it's all about anxiety... Trying to convince me I am something I am not, I probably would have this interests before or not during a anxiety episode.
I really miss the old me.
Now I keep looking to clothes that men wear, imagining me in that clothes. That's scary!
crazyfeelings
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2021 1:38 pm
Local time: Tue Apr 13, 2021 3:50 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Am I tran or this is denial? HELP ME!

Postby Snaga » Fri Feb 26, 2021 1:22 am

And it wouldn't be scary, if you really had an interest. Or... scary but exciting.

When I was younger and could have looked... not ridiculous- it would have been scary and exciting, to wear clothing of the opposite sex. And it's sad, that I cannot. Because I don't have TOCD.
Image

Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 17029
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Tue Apr 13, 2021 12:50 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 73 guests