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HOCD? Genuine Confusion?

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HOCD? Genuine Confusion?

Postby M21 » Thu Aug 13, 2020 7:08 pm

I posted this in the sexuality forum but haven’t heard any responses so I though I’d come here as well. started having these constant thoughts about my sexuality in the fall of 2017. It started one day when I was sitting in class and I got a really weird feeling in my chest. Ever since then, I was constantly checking out the class T.A. to see if I was attracted to him. I eventually got to a point where that stopped bothering me for the most part, but I still did it whenever I would recognize a fellow male that was physically attractive. I have no problem recognizing anybody that is attractive, but the thoughts on my sexuality grew more and more intense and it seemed almost impossible to go even two minutes without even thinking about it. I became depressed and started being closed off while at home. I eventually told my mom about what I was going through and she said it was just a phase that even she herself, had gone through. I accepted that answer and felt a bit better and tried to move on with my life. I graduated and went to college later that year, but the thoughts were ever persistent. In the fall of 2018, the thoughts became absolutely unbearable for me and I would start bawling my eyes out on my way to school. I felt like I couldn't tell anybody about what I'd been going through as they'd just assume that I was gay. I'd had two relationships with women before, the later one lasting much longer than the first, albeit it was on and off for about two years. I'd not dated anybody for a while before I started having these issues, but I was more focused on sports and didn't see an issue in being single. Since I started having these issues four years ago, at two different points I almost got back together with both of my ex girlfriends, but neither ended up materializing. I was particularly upset about my last ex not wanting to try things again, as id had the strongest feelings for her. I am okay with being bisexual but I know for a fact that I'm not gay, as my strongest attractions have been towards women and your sexuality just doesn't suddenly change.
1.I believe that I did have a porn addiction at one point in high school. I watched straight, gay and transsexual pornagraphy. I stopped at one point and noticed that my general mood improved and the thoughts didn't bother me as much, but I can't resist watching sometimes and when I do I feel horrible after.
2. I've had sex with three women, all in the summer of 2019 with a month and a half worth of time. I loved all three experiences, I'd only have sex with one of them again though(she's the best looking one).
3. All my relationships and romantic feelings have been heterosexual in nature, so I do not understand why all of a sudden my mind questions my orientation so much.
ALL insight and thoughts are welcome.
M21
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