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HOCD or denial ?

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HOCD or denial ?

Postby princess8888888 » Sat Jun 13, 2020 7:05 pm

Hello, sorry if this is going to be really long... but i really need help
I'm a 16 year old female, and have always been boy crazy. I never really questioned my sexuality until one day my best friend told me she's bi. And that night the thought just popped up to me "what if I'm also bi ?". I think what also triggered this was that she was talking to me about how nervous she gets around guys and I was also relating to that, so I didn't really question that. But that night I started overthinking so much "what if I was bi all of this time and did not know it?". I did not sleep the whole night. It stayed like that for two days but then I got better and forgot about it (that was in October). Then in December, the irrational thought came to my mind "what if I'm gay ?", I'm calling it irrational because it is clear to me that the attraction I had towards my crushes were real and I was just really overthinking it. And here again, I spent so many sleepless nights. Then I realized that I for sure am not gay but what if I'm bi ? I constantly started checking myself, and how I feel around everyone and pictures etc. I even developped false attractions. The thought would just stay in my mind from the moment I woke up till the moment I sept... It was hell. But then for some reason the thoughts stopped and I started feeling better. But again, I saw something on tiktok haha that made me relapse and triggered it again, I started researching everything. I started analyzing every single thing that has ever happened to me since the moment I was Born (I know it's exhausting hahah). I even read my diary to see if there was any sign or something. And something to point out : when I was growing up I was very shy, but then in grade 6/7 I grew out of it. In my diary I read that I was shy infront of this girl. And this girl was 7 years older than me, I always looked up to her and admired her, I wanted to be like her when I'm older. But suddenly I remembered all of the research that I did (huge mistake; a Tip: dont read questions on quora), and in there I read that so many bisexual people admired other people from the same sex, and as it turns out they were attracted to them and they were just denying it. What if I'm attracted to her but denying it or something / dont know it? All of the constant research I did was really bad and just made everything worse. But the only thing that helped was when I read about HOCD, I literally started crying because I reated to every single thing, and every single symptom. That day I felt so relieved because I knew for a fact that I am straight and that it is just my mind playing with me. But then I relapsed again... And this time it was the worst. It especially got bad when I read that (warning this might trigger some hocd sufferers haha so plz dont read if ur currently triggered) some people had HOCD and actually turned out to be bi. I once again stumbled upon a video of a girl saying how she discovered she was bi, and one video turned into several other videos, and they all said they never realized they had an attraction towards girls until their late teens. And that they were intimidated by other pretty girls, and that they thought they admired many of them but turns out it was attraction. And this made me feel so much worse, because I sometimes do feel intimidated by girls I find prettier than me. But I would never want to be in a relationship with them or have sex with them. But they (the ppl in the videos) were thesame. And this really scared me. Somedays I laugh at these thoughts, and know in my heart that I am a hétérosexual, but others I feel really depressed, constantly anxious, literally cannot eat anything etc... I'm scared of finding out that all of this time i was bi but never knew it. And some people discovered it in their 20s, in college, when they saw a person that they, for the first time, had romantic feelings for. What if this happens to me ? This thought genuinely scares the heck out of me. Right now I am supposed to be working on my university applications, studying, and focusing on my future Career, but instead I am wasting my time and loosing myself. I am really lost, confused, and I really want to get better. I dont want this to ruin my future. I have always dreamt and fantasized about having a man to be my husband, andthis idea makes me smile soo much. But this fear is killing me, that what if I discover it later on in Life, or what if I am already bi but am denying it ?

Anyways, I am really sorry for how long this is, and if u arrived hère, I am so grateful and thankful that you have read all of this, it really means alot. I just need help knowing if it's normal to admire someone and have feelings similar to the ones of a crush, kindof like a platonic crush. Or does that just mean I am bi and in denial?

Again, thank you for your time

Edit: Also: the thought of being with a woman really disgusts me (sorry if thats offensive to anyone) like I just cant process it in my mind to be in a relationship with a woman etc. But then again what if it's actually internalized homophobia ? ( I fully support gay rights, but I just would not feel comfortable )
I feel like I'm going crazy, loosing my mind... Like I just wish my friend never came out as bi, or that I never even heard what bisexuality is, as bad as that sounds
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Re: HOCD or denial ?

Postby KidDJ » Fri Feb 26, 2021 4:28 pm

What you said in your post, determines that it's HOCD. Bi people don't worry by their attractions, They only worry is coming out to anyone. Also, it's normal to feel the admirations towards the same sex, doesn't determine that you're bisexual.
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