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Various OCD Themes Ruining My Life -- Please Help

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Various OCD Themes Ruining My Life -- Please Help

Postby imnotassociated » Mon May 11, 2020 7:30 pm

Hey everyone,
I joined this forum as a place to hopefully allow myself to get my feelings out without being judged. I can't go to my friends or family because I have such an intense fear of them finding out about the mess that goes on in my life and my head. I've been feeling extremely hopeless lately; I dread every single day waking up and I haven't been able to find therapy or help because of the virus and my own personal reasons. The amount of sadness and anxiety I feel every single day stops me from being productive and I just feel like a complete mess, the hopelessness and inevitability of doom that I feel is too much to handle and describe, but if anyone would listen, it would mean a lot.

I've never been diagnosed with OCD, and even though I understand people shouldn't self-diagnose, I have valid reason to believe I have it. However, I've been diagnosed with anxiety before. My doctor told me that my anxiety was so intense that I would be coughing because I needed something to take away my thoughts and focus my mind on; I had a severe cough that lasted for months for no valid reason and would strike up when I was feeling stressed -- getting anxiety medication helped it go away. The thing is, though, that I had severe fear of contamination and fear for my health. I forced my mom to go to various doctors because I thought there was something wrong with me. I searched boards and forums and everything possible and diagnosed myself with every single disease. I read about the paint that I put on the walls in my room and found out that it contained lead in it; every single time I even touched it or grazed the wall I would have to run to the bathroom and scrub the area completely clean. I didn't touch anything, I didn't pick up anything; on my volleyball team, I cried and went home because a random idea popped into my head about me getting HIV from the sweat on my teammate's hand. (I know that's not how it works, but my brain wouldn't let me stop thinking it). HIV seems to be a big fear for me, I had a phase where I freaked out about blood and anytime some got on me or if I was kissing anybody I would shut down and complain and search for an answer.

My health-related theme seemed to settle down as I got older. Most of this happened up until early middle school (the HIV theme remains today but the rest kind of went away). I started to get different compulsions that were based on regular things. My brain randomly decided to resort to my right side as the "good" side -- for things that I liked or approved of -- and my left side as my "bad" side -- for things that I didn't want to happen. For example, if I read about something like a disease that I was afraid for, I would have to knock on wood with my left hand only (three times especially) to "pray" and "ensure" that it wouldn't happen to me. If I heard about something I liked, like a self-made millionaire story, I would have to knock on wood (three times again, fourth time for good luck and to "restart" any possible jinx or glitch I did with the three knocks) with my right hand. It got so bad to the point where I had to start making my friends do it or I would do it in school and people would look at me like I was weird ("what's she doing knocking on wood all the time"?) It gradually became something that I would randomly do; getting into bed, I had to get up and out three times before I fell asleep. I would have to check every single outlet and plug three times, then plug it in again on the fourth time.

The most important thing that started my mental health downfall was when I THINK I began to develop a theme of HOCD. All my life, I had intense attraction to males. I loved certain celebrities, I had a lot of crushes on guys I knew, went on dates, etc. Never in my life -- even to this day -- have I ever had a crush on a girl. But during 7th or 8th grade, I remember watching a TV show and thinking "That girl's pretty. What if I'm gay?" And oh my god, ever since that day, I swear I cannot think about any single other thing. My attraction to guys began to plummet rapidly and I couldn't get turned on by anybody anymore. I used to cry myself to sleep because I was losing sense of who I was. I never really found girls attractive until recently; I started to give up the fight and began thinking that maybe I was bisexual. I've been gaining my attraction to men back but my attraction to women goes and comes. The thing is, I have no problem with being bisexual or a lesbian, I really wouldn't mind it. It just doesn't seem completely natural or right to me and I don't know if the thought is due to my potential HOCD. I would check constantly if I thought girls were pretty, I would watch videos, I would get so much anxiety and I would feel hopeless. I would do the knocking to hope that I wasn't, I tried to talk to girls -- I was even offered a kiss but in the moment I backed out and wasn't sure about it. But I can't shake these thoughts and I keep myself up about it.

Now, from HOCD, my mind becomes majorly messy because I've recently been developing themes of HOCD. To be fair, I went through sort of a "tomboy" phase in middle school, but that was more because I didn't have a sense of style than because I actually thought I was a boy. I considered myself "ugly" and cut my hair short -- not to be boyish, but in an attempt to get a short and wavy bob. I didn't like it so I grew my hair out. Never in my life had I felt as if I was born in the wrong body. (I'm 17 now for reference). I'm curvy, I loved male attention, as funny as it sounds, I even wanted to get boob implants and plastic surgery to get myself looking more feminine because I have a slightly more masculine face. From middle school, my sense of style dramatically increased -- I wore jewelry, I dressed up nice, I wore makeup and loved it, grew my hair out super long, dresses were my favorite, etc. But I saw a YouTube video on a FtM transition and then my thoughts started. At first, it wasn't bad, I sort of pushed them away. They weren't actively thought in my mind (like, I was't thinking "oh my god, I don't feel like a girl") but every time I would read about a transgender person I would do the knocking thing again with my left hand. I would say "please let me be a girl and be attracted to boys". Again, I don't really have an issue with anything, who I am will always be who I am, but the amount of anxiety that I get when I don't feel feminine is crazy. Since January, my thoughts became more active and I consistently feel as if I'm now born into the wrong body. Every time I feel like this I drive myself up the walls and crazy; my panic attacks have been getting so much worse, I missed school, I felt hopeless, wanted to die. Every time I feel more feminine, I forget about the thoughts for a while, feel happier, more relieved. But then I start to question and doubt myself -- am I just making these things up? Who am I??? Every single day I dread waking up because I now feel like I don't belong in the body that I'm born in; I don't want to feel like this anymore. Nothing feels real. I feel a little better when I'm not thinking about it and when I'm getting my feelings out like this, but then when I stop I go back to thinking.

I've also noticed I started to receive hints about a possible new cleaning OCD or obsession. I never cared about cleanliness or organization before, but now I'm cleaning my room and mopping the floors every other day -- precision is now key to me.

I'm driving myself crazy. I don't know where to start, and every single day feels so incredibly hopeless. If anybody has any advice for me, I'd appreciate it. I just cannot go on feeling like this anymore -- I want my life back. Thank you to anybody who took the time to read this! <3
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Re: Various OCD Themes Ruining My Life -- Please Help

Postby MusicBee » Wed May 13, 2020 7:15 pm

Hey, thank you for sharing. I am diagnosed with OCD, GAD, and BPD so I am right here with you (always feel free to message me privately). I had a period of time when I was 16/17 (19 now) where my OCD ruined my life. I was spending hours a day checking things, counting, touching, washing, and worrying. I know it's really overwhelming and makes you feel absolutely hopeless. I really recommend that you try and get yourself diagnosed so you don't have to live with that guilt of self-diagnosing. I dont know where you live but there are free advice and crisis lines just about everywhere and they can help validate and ease your fears and point you in the direction of medical help.
Please know that this intensity will eventually pass and you deserve to feel okay
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