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I desperately need help. POCD, or smth else?.. ***trigger***

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I desperately need help. POCD, or smth else?.. ***trigger***

Postby cupofcoffee » Thu Jan 09, 2020 12:22 am

Hello to everyone.

I will be trully honest here, whatever happens. I need to speak to somebody that can provide me with guidance. I do not seek relief here, I am just concerned about myself. I can't live like this anymore, I feel like a coward, I can't choose live or suicide.

I will try to keep this as short and imformative as possible. I am 26 yo male, I love in a country that OCD specialists are impossible to find. I don't have formal diagnosis of OCD. I am seeing a therapist for my severe health anxiety and I have spoken to him about my compulsions and actions. My family knows exactly what I am going through, they all insist that I am not a pedophile. However, I doubt both of them because I can masturbate to images of children aged 11-17 years old. My primary interest is adult females, I am in a long term relationship with a girl 1 year younger than me. She knows everything that I will state here, and she also refuses to see me as a pedophile of some form.
I will begin with how it all started: When I was 12-13 years old I used limewire to download music and porn. I unwillingly downloaded a video with cp(it was labeled as twen porn), I felt scared and anxious and I deleted it. It didn't concern me further, I didn't even know that it was illegal. I just found the first 10 seconds disturbing, and I deleted it. My years as a teen went smoothly, I had my first gf at the age of 16, and we were togeather for 2 years. Skipping forward, I.entered uni. This is the point when my health anxiety was absolutely out of control. I convinced myself that I have cancer, HIV(i had only 2 partners till then), multiple sclerosis, heart problems etc. I slept all day, I had no friends there for reasons that will take too long to explain, but it was my fault because I am way too introverted in combination with lack of social skills. So, this was my day: Playing games, going to the gym and to my classes. I also consumed a lot of porn. I was a teen 18-19 and I had no girlfriend. I really wanted one thought. I always liked the idea of monogamy, as I am now, 5 years with my partner who I love and respect. I also had a crazy libido, I would want to masturbate 2-4 times a day and I consumed a lot of porn. I viewd my usual vanilla stuff, usually labeled as "teen", "milf", "oral sex" etc. Porn also was a way to get relief from my health anxiety, and it turned itno a compulsion.
It all started one day when I decided to google "teen models", meaning legal teens. I clicked at the first site that popped up on google, and umfortunately was a site of child and teen models that were photographed wearing little clothing, like swimswits, dancing wear, etc. It even had some teens with thongs. My heart rate was strong, it felt like my heart would burst and I started having ectopic beats. I closed the site, but I then wanted to find if this stuff is actually legal. I had no idea about how the law works, and I thought that I found a site with cp on the first page on google. I also asked a friend that is a lawyer now, and he said that these sites are legal and that these models are there by their will and their parents will(however, this differs from country to country so don't take legal advice from anyone else that your lawyer). I then learned that a nude child=\=porn, and that a dressed child could be porn depending on what is done to him.
The idea remained in my brain, however, and it started a waterfall of curiosity and disgust. I thought "You didn't get soft when you saw them, you could also ejaculate to these images if you continued masturbating. You also like teenagers, so what's the difference between you and a pedophile?". Then, a few days later I found a questionable image at an imageboard site that I was using. I then crossed the line, because I thought that nothing illegal is uploaded here. It was an image with a teenage girl(12-15) with long legs and an almost flat chest wearing underwear. My heart started pounding and I felt terrible, but I ejaculated in like 5 strokes. I even tried to hold my ejaculation, refusing to allow myself to ejaculate toma young girl. However, it happened and it felt terrible, especially during the ejaculation, the time before it and then after it. But, it happened. I crossed the line. I felt terrible, and I also fent terrible because then I was also delusional about a presistent cough(i thought I had lung cancer). Then, it became a compulsion. I searched for images of young girls on legal sites, or with girls that are petite. When I found a questionable image thumbnail, I couldn't keep myself from viewing it for 3 reasons: 1) I thought that everything there is legal 2) To test myself 3) Because I liked some of them that looked around my age. All the photos were suimswit or underwear photos, some of them were deleted afterwards some of them not. I caught myself testing to see if I like images of teen girls by trying to masturbate to them. Most of the times I failed and I switched to vanilla porn, and it worked as usual. But often, I was compulsively trying to find images of young girls with swimsuits or looking at nudist pictures, trying to masturbate with them and comparing it to my usual masturbation with adults. I always found children annoying and I found nothing sexual about them, my focus was on young teens because I was able to feel sexual urges towards them, I was able to masturbate by imagining or viewing their bodies, and I hated this. I felt worthless, a monster, a deviant. However, I kept doing it from time to time, and there was always a session that ended with me getting really anxious, ejaculating, and then feeling guilt, shame and remorse. I always visited legal sites, I never intended to see child porn, and when I stubles upon it as a teen I didn't like it, but now I am scared that I will enjoy it if I see it.
Also, I masturbate to lolicon sometimes and this makes me feel like $#%^. This also started as a form of checking, my body likes it but my mind is tortured by it. I know that liking loli doesn't make you a pedo, but I really don't want to be even close to a pedo. I am afraid that I am tho... I have a lot of evidence. Firslty I wouldnt be able to masturbate to an image of a child or a young teen with a swimsut if I wasn't a pedo. But I was able to by focusing on the genital area. Secondly, I find sexuality in young teenage bodies. Thirdly, I like some lolicon porn, but I don't know why. I wouldn't even get close to a child in real life, why would I be able to respond sexualy to it virtually? Harming a child or consuming real cp is out of question, I would never do smth like this. I like adult partners and I never wanted to approach a teenager (18-19), let alone a child. My sex life is great spwcially when I stop viewing porn( I used.to look at porn too many hours / day when I was at the uni and now when I am terribly anxious about my health.) I think that I am a pedo in denial, that I am.deviant, that I have crossed the line multiple times. I think that I try to find an excuse to justify masturbating to a young teen or to an image of a child. After all, if I wasn't a pedo I wouldn't be able to find some young girls body sexual and I wouldn't consume loli porn. I am.afraid that I viewd loli as a legal form of cp, and that I am trying to find excuses. I feel that I need to be locked away because of my thoughts and my brain. I feel that even being able to masturabte to an image of a child, real or virtual, is wrong, immoral and disgusting. I wish I wasn't born like this, but this turned into a rant, and I dislike ranting. I need help. I don't know what to do. My therapist says that I am not a pedophile, but he can't convinvlce me. I can't live with these thoughts anymore. I am to the point where I can't eat, because I am disgusted for myself. I am also afraid that society will judge me and that I don't belong here with my disturbing compulsions and thoughts. I am in therapy for 6 months after a month of panick attacks about my health( i was convinced that I have lymphoma, and.then my dad had a mad motorcycle accident and was in a coma for 1 month). I feel better somwtimes, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like a deviant, and that my logic says that I am one based on the facts that I stated. There is also a very predictable pattern: i stop thinking that i am a pedo, i get health anxiety and the oposite. PLEASE, I need some guidance. My therapist says that I don't fit the profile of a pedo, my family and my partner also agree. But I think that they underestimate the importance of what I am saying. PLEASE, help me. I am really desperare. I think I need to be locked up in a psychiatric clinic, and I will gladly do it if I am a pedo. Please, help me. I am lost and tired, too afraid to die, too afraid to live. Ask anything, I will answer anything. Thank you for your time, if you were able to read this.
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Re: I desperately need help. POCD, or smth else?.. ***trigger***

Postby Snaga » Thu Jan 09, 2020 2:06 pm

I agree with everyone else. If you were a pedo, you would not be this way, even if you didn't want to be one, part of you would want to.

Please stop checking. There is this fallacy that if it's something that you're not going to do in real life and don't want to do in real life, that somehow all of a sudden masturbation isn't going to work. Well, it's masturbation, you play with it enough, you're going to have an orgasm. Checking just feeds this anxiety.

You need to trust those around you, when they tell you you're not.
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Re: I desperately need help. POCD, or smth else?.. ***trigger***

Postby cupofcoffee » Fri Jan 10, 2020 2:49 pm

Thank you for taking your time to read this. Your answer helped me a lot, believe it or not. You are right, checking only leads to more uncertainty, and uncertainty is what I must get over. It's time for me to care less, for my sanity's sake. It's the same as with my health anxiety, when it happens it feels so real and no matter how many times a doctor reasures me it keeps comming back to ruin me. It's as if my mind doens't allow me to feel happyness, but it won't win. I am not done yet. I don't know if I'm going to post again, but thank you for your help and your understanding.
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