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POCD or Pedophilia

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POCD or Pedophilia

Postby mazterchi » Tue Jan 07, 2020 11:01 am

Hi, Ive recently had an obsession about a child abuse scene i've read in a book about 10 years ago. The scene was about an old man who exposed himself in front a child and asked him to touch his erect penis. The thought recently just appeared in my mind and had been nagging me since.

Everytime I woke up, I would immediately remember the scene and would be slightly aroused by it and have some groinal response. I have always been aroused by taboo things but would draw the line at child abuse or something violent. I would try ignore it, but it would still stay lingering in my head. So i did the worst thing i could do and decided to test it. I would switch between masturbating to the messed up thought and normal age appropriate thoughts. However, I found out that I was more aroused to the child abuse scene than the normal fantasies. As I masturbated, I told myself that no one was getting hurt and that I need to do this to actually find out if I am a pedophile or not. I imagined myself as the abuser getting his penis masturbated by the child and unfortunately managed to climax to the scene.

Immediately after, I was confused as to whether I liked or didnt liked it. I went to immediately "oh god, i masturbated to a child" and tried to reason with myself that I liked the taboo nature of the thought not the kid itself. But my brain is still going, "You masturbated to a kid and so your a pedophile" or "What kind of person masturbates to a kid if they arent attracted to them". This thought became 10x worse when I saw an actual kid on the street and then I begin feeling stressed, gulity and angry at myself for having let myself masturbate to that a scene of a kid.

Now, im afraid ive crossed a line and that I will become attracted to and fantasize about children or that I will go back to that scene when I masturbate. Im afraid i will do something like that with a child or my own the future. Im scared its no longer POCD and actually pedophilia. I still dont understand completely how I could masturbate to something like this. Now when i have sexual urges, i immediately remember the terrible scene i masturbated to. Scarily i still can get off to this messed up fantasy. Please help.
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Re: POCD or Pedophilia

Postby mazterchi » Wed Jan 08, 2020 5:39 pm

Pls help me. Im suicidal rite now
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Re: POCD or Pedophilia

Postby Snaga » Thu Jan 09, 2020 7:24 am

How are your feeling now?

First off, please don't check, for the sake of checking. That's never a good idea.

I think that we all have occasional taboo thoughts or fantasies. Personally, I don't stress if one happens. It is easy to fall into a trap of worry over this kind of thing. For me, the best way to avoid that, is to let it go and make the decision not to worry about it.

I could tell you how your don't sound like a pedophile and how it would be different, if you really were one. But in the end, it's something you have to decide for yourself. With obsessional fears I think we have to make ourselves not worry, by 'choosing' not to be the thing we fear.
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