Our partner

HOCD 33 year old female

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: Snaga

HOCD 33 year old female

Postby Kermilang » Mon Dec 30, 2019 7:32 am

So I have been crying for months now about this and it feels so real.

Since I was a child I had sexual obsessions and also other forms of OCD like thinking my house would blow up or someone would break in.

Anyways so up until this year I never kissed or had sex because I had a weird upbringing and couldnt talk to boys I was sheltered and emotionally abused but I always liked them and I never liked girls beyond admiration or friendship.

About 2008 I started watching lesbian porn and I was still confident in my sexuality cuz I only liked seeing women get pleasured and also I had a weird urge to experiment ( I never did though )and I think this is where the HOCD started cuz it didn’t seem natural at all when I look back cuz I still only liked and wanted to date men but thats when the voices started telling me I like girls but I know I didn’t yet I was getting a groinal response .

The thoughts and images seemed so real and I thought I was bi curious and I told two frienda ans one of them kept labeling me as bi and saying I will be with a girl and honestly my whole life I only wanted men and ahe kept projecting her queerness on me . I kept having thoughts about kissing and having sex with my friends and it was so gross .

Anyways I was always sad but had no idea what HOCD was until this year cuz the thoughts keep calling me gay and I keep crying and being scared I will date a woman and I am still crying cuz I fell in love with a man recently and he was my first kiss yet the OCD says I don’t love him.

Also I had the bad habit of checking and I keep crying cuz I see some women saying they found out late in life they were gay and also a dyke hit on me yesterday and they say lesbians often detect orher lesbians and I can’t stop crying. Also people always say I am gay cuz I never been with a man and I am 33 but they don’t know my life story .

I keep getting scared I am gonna fall in love with a woman and go to a sperm bank and raise a child with her and adopt kids and I don’t want that and thats what I want with the man I fell in love with its driving me crazy can anyone help
Kermilang
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2019 7:13 am
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 5:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Hocd and Tocd please help

Postby Kermilang » Fri Jan 10, 2020 9:30 am

So I posted a few weeks ago about having HOCD for a long time and I was crying because I had a bicurious / experimental past cuz I was desperate ( I never acted on it cuz it never felt right ) and I recently fell in love with a guy last year and I was only ever really attracted to men and he was my first kiss and we been moving slowly but sweet . Although I have HOCD meeting him helped embrace my feminity that I had to hide growing up and I finally blossomed into womanhood . So my HOCD has been kicking my ass lately and the other day I woke up and I felt my sex drive and feminity gone ... this was literally days ago even after blushing and thinking about the guy I love handling my body and much I love his touch .

Also I keep seeing lesbians and studs and I get this weird movement in my jaw like I am smiling and happy even though they are not attractive to me at all and I wanna cry.

Now since Tuesday I was talking to my sister about my guy and how he loves my body and how we had a conversation about having sex soon and then I asked myself omg are my hand gestures like a lesbian ? Is that what I am acting like ?

Now I keep fearing I am turning into a lesbian or trans cuz I don’t feel feminine anymore and my biggest dear was being penetrated with a strap on by a woman now I feel like I wanna wear a strap on and my body feels so weird .

This was literally happening two days ago and I love being girly and I love my body I love how the guy I am seeing holds me and squeezes my hips and behind but now I feel like I am becoming a lesbian I have no sex drive at all right now and honestly I laugh about it for a few hours cuz I love my feminity so much and I am in love with a guy but I keep getting thoughts of me wearing a strap on and it woke me up out of my sleep just now .

Also the false attractions to women are too much and I realize this is OCD cuz I get a groinal response or just anxious everytime I see a woman and I have to pee afterwards but with men its very different its a natural sensation and feeling .

But yeah right now I feel masculine and gross is this normal can someone help me .
Last edited by Snaga on Sat Jan 11, 2020 11:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Please avoid language that could be construed as disrespecting other users, thanks
Kermilang
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2019 7:13 am
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 5:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: HOCD 33 year old female

Postby Kermilang » Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:11 am

Hi ! I am so sorry for using those words and I never wanna disrespect the LGBT community I always try to be a good ally to them .

But yes I was freaking out that night and I wanted to cry because I don’t want my life to change and I been sick lately .

I am scared I will become alien of myself and I keep getting scared everyday cuz I can’t afford therapy .

Also I always have to pee if I see anything about a woman and idk if its my arousal being repressed or not and I just wanna die .

I am scared to tell anyone cuz they will say I am gay even though I am in love with a man and only love men sexually and romantically .

Maybe its because I had a curious past that is haunting me but I never acted on it I never even had a crush on any women it I was just somewhat curious sexually but I never did anything cuz my body didn’t react in comfort I was also depressed at that time .

The thoughts won’t leave everytime I think about the guy I fell in love with there is an intrusive thought blocking it .

I feel lost and scattered .
Kermilang
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2019 7:13 am
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 5:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: HOCD 33 year old female

Postby Snaga » Tue Jan 14, 2020 2:10 am

Well, lots of folks have had a curious past.

If you aren't attracted to women, then you're not. Try not to let these thoughts scare you, only if you want to act on them, do they mean anything. Believe me when I say I think from experience with my own self, that if you had an attraction for the same sex, wanting to have the attraction, or not, wouldn't take away that you would have the 'want', and you would keep on having the 'want', even if you didn't want to have it, you would still have it, and you wouldn't have to wonder if you were attracted, you would know it.
Image

Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 14211
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 4:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: HOCD 33 year old female

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:16 pm

You might have a dissociated part that has a different sexuality. If you were emotionally abused throughout your childhood, it's likely that you survived by using dissociation to some extent, and I'm mentioning this because of the way you describe the feelings being there and then being gone, and then being there again. And because you mentioned being scared of being "alien of myself."

It's possible to have dissociated feelings that feel like they're male and/or feelings that feel like they're lesbian. Separate from your heterosexual feelings.

If there is any way that you can prioritize therapy, it would really help you sort this all out. Preferably someone who knows how to treat people with a history of severe early childhood trauma.
TheGangsAllHere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3402
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 4:15 am
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 2:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: HOCD 33 year old female

Postby Snaga » Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:58 pm

I don't make a big deal over having some maybe disassociative alts, but sometimes I have wondered about that same idea, Gang. Although I don't have (as far as *I* remember) early childhood trauma- well, not sexual, anyway. The grooming that I know of, came rather later. Still it's an interesting idea and I'm interested in seeing what Kermilang makes of that.
Image

Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 14211
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 4:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: HOCD 33 year old female

Postby Kermilang » Wed Jan 15, 2020 1:16 am

Hey guys thank you so much for answering

About the disassociating feelings Hmmm lemme see .

Cuz as a child and even in high school I was only ever around girls because I couldnt be around boys also I remember in 2nd grade when a girl in my class touched my vagina I was crying cuz I felt so violated . Also at my job two women sexually harass me and I was so sick .

I didnt want to experiment until I was grown like 22 cuz I watched alot of porn . But I never ever had a crush on a girl or anything also women never arouse me outside of porn. But I just was like “ what would that be like “ yet I never did it cuz I think I would have threw up before anything happened lol . Also I didnt mention when I got older I had bad experiences trying to date thats why I didnt find a guy until last year .

I hope I don’t sound denial but I think I would have knew back then cuz I cried so much cuz I couldn’t talk to boys or date .

As for the TOCD thing it literally just happened the other day but its actually not bad anymore cuz I let those thoughts come through .

But honestly yes I am seeking therapy and some days r better than others but I don’t wanna live a life I don’t want so it gets scary especially now with me being in love .



The thoughts are constant every day that I twitch at work and ppl ask if I am ok .

Also in all honesty Thegangsallherr response scared the hell out of me but I came for help and advice so I appreciate it . The emotional abuse was from someone in my family and it sound like I am making it up but she was a lesbian herself and I always get scared to detail it cuz I dont want ppl to think I am stereotyping lgbt ppl .

I am gonna seek an OCD specialist too to see if thats true about me but also I just wanna say I atleast know what it was like to repress sexuality cuz for a time I had no choice but I eventually broke down .

I will probably be ranting here again soon . Thanks guys.
Kermilang
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2019 7:13 am
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 5:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: HOCD 33 year old female

Postby Snaga » Wed Jan 15, 2020 11:20 am

Kermilang wrote:I hope I don’t sound denial but I think I would have knew back then cuz I cried so much cuz I couldn’t talk to boys or date .


'Denial', is kidding yourself. It's not being clueless about it. I've done Denial. It's not the same thing as not being aware. Once an alternate sexuality gets awakened, you know it.
Image

Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 14211
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 4:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: HOCD 33 year old female

Postby Kermilang » Fri Jan 24, 2020 1:43 pm

Hey guys so I am back with an update and I shouldn’t even be doing this but I have nowhere else to run.

Things have gotten way worae and its like ... I know it’s OCD cuz I am sure what it’s picking at now but it feels so real now .

I think it’s also causing hallucinations because now I am seeing things that are not there . Also I got scared because I am having issues with the guy I am in loving with and he has been hurting my feelings alot and making me sad and I vented about it to my sisters and mom and everyone keep telling me god will send ms somene I need not who I want and i started crying cuz I keep getting scared I will be with a woman in the end and be happy with it .

Also the whole being attracted to studs thing went away but now I keep thinking men might be women and tricking me and also like I said I keep having these odd hallucinations .

The one thing that makes me feel relieve is that I know the difference between groinal response and actual arousal and I know what actual attraction to men is . Everytime I see a woman though I keep getting weird body reactions and its more like disxomfort and its EVERY woman I see but when I see men I feel electricity and butterflies . I kept crying cuz I ask myself am I just repressing attraction to women ?

My thoughts also keep telling me to come out the closet and even though at this point I know the HOCD is attacking my core cuz it picks at everything I keep getting scared cuz I keep seeing quotes about love and being open and I am terrified I will become a lesbian .

I don’t know its also scary xuz they say girls became gay later in life and its so hard for me becauae I am still a virgin .

I feel like giving up , I was unfortunatly checking last night and I got so disgusted by the porn so I tried to masturbate to a oral sex scene in Orange Is The New Black I dont even watch that show at all but I said maybe try somsthing that isnt porn . I got aroused to some extent but i spent more time dissecting the bad attacking in the scene rather than finding it hot .

The idea of having sex or being loving or passionate with a woman makes me actually sick like I can feel my stomach turn I am not anti gay but its just not for me and I read LGBT ppls experiences with this too and they say exactly what straight ppl say so I am glad I dont feel like I am hiding behind OCD .

The way I feel right now is that I am obligated to attraction and I get scared cuz people always say you should be open to things and I just dont ever wanna be with a woman ever .

I love men and I was abused emotonally I had to hide it my whole life and couldnt interact with them . I finally embrace my womanhood and I am hoping me and the guy get past things cuz I wanna settle down and have kids cuz my clock is ticking .

I feel like I am in a daze right now it feels real but fake at the same time , its the body reactions that scare me the most sometimes it feels like I am smiling and happy but I am not I am actually terrified and I don’t throw around the word triggered alot but it feels like a trigger .

I get anxiety everytime one of my friends who is pansexual likes my posts cuz she is very open about being queer and one time she told me to cut my hair ahort like a boy and she also asked me to California with her and that was weird plus one time she pretty much outed someone and said ahe was spreading the gay agenda and in all honesty that spike my HOCD more and I been distant from her.

Everyday I keep asking myself if I am in denial and sometimes I say to myself yeah I am a lesbian and then I start crying cuz I know that’s not true and I am not attraxted to women romantically or sexually.

I used to always admire beautiful women but now everytime I see a pretty woman or someone who carries themselves well my OCD says I am attracted to them and want them .

I luckily follow alot of beauty gurus and thats when I know the OCD is #######4 me thats how I catch it because these women have fine ass husbands and started beautiful families and I get emotional cuz thats the life I always wanted to have and I am scared its too late .

Anyways this was long I am trying so hard to get into therapy but I just feel sad and sick
Kermilang
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2019 7:13 am
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 5:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: ocdw4rrior and 53 guests