Does this mean I am a pedophile?

Hi all, I want to clarify and share my story as I did multiple times here as I fear I am a pedophile. Basically, when I was 12-13 years old, I would masturbate. Nothing wrong with that right? Yeah, but the things I masturbated to back then are pretty questionable. Basically I used to masturbate to images of naked children ages 2-15 in non-sexual situations. Nothing illegal but pretty creepy and weird, basically the pictures were on nudist sites and family blogs. I mainly emphasized on the vulva and penis and buttocks region. I never wanted to have a relationship with a child or have sex with them. The first few times it was out of curiosity, but I wouldn't stop masturbating to the pictures oddly. I didn't think they were hot or anything like that no. But sometimes the thoughts of children's genitals(JUST the genitals and nothing else) came up in my head and I would masturbate to it, I didn't think anything of it most times but other times I felt really guilty. I don't want to ever masturbate to children or think their genitals are hot or anything like that. :/

I am afraid those memories will make me a pedophile, I don't desire children nor do I want to have sex with them. I think that is wrong. But my OCD(I think?) has been telling me that I might be a pedophile for my current intrusive thoughts and those memories. It has been scaring me so much lately I thought of suicide, chopping/shooting my hands and groin off, getting chemical catastration etc. but I do think it might be OCD. I do want to clarify those images were not the only thing I masturbated to back then, I masturbated also too girls my age and adult porn, and some gay porn. I never thought about CP and nightmares about it back then. I am not turned on by the pictures, I never was actually. The last thing I want is someone to tell me I am a pedophile 2 years before I even become a legal adult. The intrusive thoughts make me unable to enjoy anything and I feel if I even feel joy, especially when a intrusive thought comes up I am a monster pedophile who deserves to die, I don't want to live like this! Can someone please clarify if this is just OCD or possibly pedophilia? I want help...

These memories and intrusive thoughts make me feel all funny, sickened, and scared. I don’t want to be a pedophile. Do the things I used to masturbate to when I was younger indicate I’m a pedophile?what can I do to get rid of this?

When I was 14, I had intrusive thoughts of joining a pedo forum and exploiting myself by posting videos of myself online, I didn’t but considering I’m still 16 I am afraid I might actually go and join one and exploit myself... The intrusive thoughts from the original post make me numb and it got to the point they rarely scare me now, it is a daily battle. I tell myself I am not a pedophile from morning to night no breaks...

Is this self exploitation compulsion a desire to punish yourself?

Snaga wrote:Is this self exploitation compulsion a desire to punish yourself?

No because my OCD is telling me that I want too.

And it is also telling me to start jacking off to naked kids again despite me not being turned on by it and I know it’s wrong.

I also began compulsively checking again to make sure I am not into kids butts or genitalsi get groinal responses sometimes and I don’t. But I don’t want to check either...


What can I do?

Well, please don't check. And I think you need to make the decision not to worry about if you would ever do anything to a child. As long as you care about those thoughts popping in your head, you will let them bother you.

Snaga wrote:Well, please don't check. And I think you need to make the decision not to worry about if you would ever do anything to a child. As long as you care about those thoughts popping in your head, you will let them bother you.

But how though? Those thoughts, impulses control my brain all day. No breaks and make me scared and guilty. But there scaring me less which is what freaks me out. And all my good memories are tainted by the fact I used to jack off to kids. I hate my brain. I don’t know how to quit checking as I can get around all the hardcore web blockers easily. I even put a image blocker, which I don’t want but I know I can get around. I don’t want to deal with this, I would rather die than accept these thoughts and live like this or be a pedo.

Horrible wrote:nd all my good memories are tainted by the fact I used to jack off to kids.

YOU were a kid! Just saying. Quit expecting 12 year old you to behave like an adult, you weren't.