Hi all, I want to clarify and share my story as I did multiple times here as I fear I am a pedophile. Basically, when I was 12-13 years old, I would masturbate. Nothing wrong with that right? Yeah, but the things I masturbated to back then are pretty questionable. Basically I used to masturbate to images of naked children ages 2-15 in non-sexual situations. Nothing illegal but pretty creepy and weird, basically the pictures were on nudist sites and family blogs. I mainly emphasized on the vulva and penis and buttocks region. I never wanted to have a relationship with a child or have sex with them. The first few times it was out of curiosity, but I wouldn't stop masturbating to the pictures oddly. I didn't think they were hot or anything like that no. But sometimes the thoughts of children's genitals(JUST the genitals and nothing else) came up in my head and I would masturbate to it, I didn't think anything of it most times but other times I felt really guilty. I don't want to ever masturbate to children or think their genitals are hot or anything like that. :/
I am afraid those memories will make me a pedophile, I don't desire children nor do I want to have sex with them. I think that is wrong. But my OCD(I think?) has been telling me that I might be a pedophile for my current intrusive thoughts and those memories. It has been scaring me so much lately I thought of suicide, chopping/shooting my hands and groin off, getting chemical catastration etc. but I do think it might be OCD. I do want to clarify those images were not the only thing I masturbated to back then, I masturbated also too girls my age and adult porn, and some gay porn. I never thought about CP and nightmares about it back then. I am not turned on by the pictures, I never was actually. The last thing I want is someone to tell me I am a pedophile 2 years before I even become a legal adult. The intrusive thoughts make me unable to enjoy anything and I feel if I even feel joy, especially when a intrusive thought comes up I am a monster pedophile who deserves to die, I don't want to live like this! Can someone please clarify if this is just OCD or possibly pedophilia? I want help...
These memories and intrusive thoughts make me feel all funny, sickened, and scared. I don’t want to be a pedophile. Do the things I used to masturbate to when I was younger indicate I’m a pedophile?what can I do to get rid of this?