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Thoughts about becoming psychotic

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Thoughts about becoming psychotic

Postby Lisa1989 » Sat Nov 30, 2019 8:48 pm

The last time I posted was 4 years ago and I am glad that my OCD is much under control these days and I'm experiencing 90% good days.
Of course, the patterns of rumination and overthinking never fully go away, so last year I started developing a thing where when I hear white noise my brain listens to a song instead. It was scary initially and I talked to a doctor and psychiatrist about this and they said I wasn't going crazy or having psychosis. But the fear of becoming psychotic lingered and I was doing a lot of research (argh, again, the damn reassurance) and my friend constantly reassured me that I wasn't going crazy.
Recently, I get absurd thoughts after seeing violent movies or imagining that if I were to confront one of my university students about their misbehaviour in class that they would take revenge or I could get killed. I have good insight that this is very unlikely to happen, but again, the fear of becoming psychotic or being suspicious of people and thinking I'm in danger could be a symptom of psychosis and I read that women can still get it in their early 30s.
I feel generally pretty good and things are going well in my life and I'm happy, but this thought ruins the feeling, of course and I have no control or idea how to stop it and convince myself I'm not going crazy because why am I thinking such things? I always tend to obsess and imagine the worst consequences possible (familiar with this pattern; and my mother and grandma have it too, but they also didn't become psychotic ever).

Can anyone enlighten me/help?

Best,
Lisa
The lost look a lot like me. In dust I was born and dust I shall leave.
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Re: Thoughts about becoming psychotic

Postby Snaga » Mon Dec 02, 2019 12:44 am

I've heard there's a fine line between OCD and actually being delusional- I feel as I have flirted with that line, more than once- but never crossed over.

I've read of one case that was deemed to be OCD but did involve delusion, but that is got to be pretty rare. Generally, we understand out thoughts are irrational, even when we can't help but think them. If you were really psychotic, I'm not so sure we'd be having this conversation- you'd be elsewhere in PF talking about how these things are real, I think.
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Re: Thoughts about becoming psychotic

Postby Lisa1989 » Fri Dec 06, 2019 7:49 am

Hi Snaga,
Thanks for your response. While I think that it _can_ be a fine line, I still believe that with psychotic symptoms we often fear an outside force or person to be the cause, whereas with OCD with poor insight and pure O, especially, I know it's a product of my own thinking.
I think OCD with poor insight is not well understood, but my psychologists never diagnosed me as psychotic, because everything else was absent (when I feared being trans, for example, I knew I had generated this fear out of the fear of losing my identity). There were days when I had good insight, and those when I had a panic attack and thought they must be true. I knew that I had obsessive compulsive disorder and still the thoughts felt real.
Right now I'm obsessing over becoming psychotic at one point because honestly, some terrible things happened at my work place where someone is stalking me (for real) and I therefore fear that they might harm me, which is probably not even close to delusional. At least I take into account that they could harm me, but I still do everything as I always do, function well, hang out with friends, and talk about these fears, and I think that's what makes it an OCD thought and compulsion.
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Re: Thoughts about becoming psychotic

Postby Snaga » Sat Dec 07, 2019 6:47 pm

Oh my.

I hope you live in one of the ever-shrinking jurisdictions where it's still considered a human right to be able to defend yourself! It's not paranoid when they're really out to get you...

But certainly, we seem to be more paranoid than most, this side of someone with a paranoid disorder. I can see why you'd go back and forth on the issue.

Before I knew what OCD was, I assumed it to be the work of demons- I have intrusive harming thoughts, and as a child it was very distressing and I was afraid to voice them to anyone else... I mostly struggled in silence, convinced Satan would make me do the terrible things my brain told me I wanted to do.

Even now I manage it only by being very firm in giving no credence to the thoughts, lest they send me into fear again.

I've heard of OCD that crossed into delusion, and I think sometimes I get close to that- not with harm thoughts, other things where I tend to act on compulsive behavior- very close, but always I back away and say yeah no this is superstition or something. It's something I struggle with. I have my rituals that, while I can break them? I really don't like to...

Interestingly enough, there's always that publicised link between OCD and schizophrenia- mostly that they just outwardly cross lines, but still, sometimes OCD symptoms seems to be comorbid, or almost a precursor. I don't recall as a child or young adult specifically fearing schizophrenia- fear of that isn't uncommon, and runs a very distant fourth, in these forums, I would say, to the Big Three of H/P/TOCD- but anyway I do recall having fear of losing touch with reality. Interesting that it wasn't specifically schizophrenia because I have an extended family history of that, actually- so I've got to see it up close. I can be pretty paranoid- but I hadn't quite got to seeing people that aren't there, ha... I'm well past the typical age of onset for that, but still I sometimes wonder what it would take to send me over the edge. I expect quite a bit, although I got pretty darn close to it in my younger years, with thinking others were out to get me. I can recall a couple times where if I seen someone else act that way today I'd be like damn dude, are you schizo? Upon reflection, I'm rather surprised my momma never had me checked out...

As with you. If there's one thing pwocd seem to have, is this need to control ourselves. That seems to me, to be in our favor, don't you think? You worry about losing control of your mind and so keep a death grip on it... While we often feel as if we're going insane, we're probably not :)
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