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I think I need a bit of support.. HOCD is tiring.

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I think I need a bit of support.. HOCD is tiring.

Postby Jivolak » Tue Nov 26, 2019 11:38 pm

Hi guys,

I thought that maybe sharing my story can might help me and potentially some of the readers.

Back around the end of 2013 (6 years ago) I was watching two man and a half and it was the scene where Allan and Walden (Ashton Kutcher) were about to have a threesome with some chick. The scene was only of the two of them waiting for the girl and she was getting naked and I felt arousal. However, I had a single thought "Did I get arousal from the guys???".

Well, that thought made me very worried. I had never thought of myself being gay or bisexual, I was actually quite a lot into women. I had just started dating this girl and the sex was quite good at the time, however after the OCD kicked-in it was a bit harder as I was always very worried that I wont perform, you know the loop. I learned that, well sex is sex and if I relax I will manage to do my part well. However, the HOCD stayed and it was the a classic case: check guys to see if you are attracted, avoid looking at guys, check out gay porn, look at women and confirm arousal, etc. If by now you haven't guessed I am a guy myself.

Anyways, things went on and at some point I had completely gotten over the HOCD (it just got away as things had gone). It was a nice period.

I stayed with the girl (the one I mentioned before) for 3-4 years. We broke up and then I dated other girls, no problems there. I was always wondering how could I have doubted myself. It was a bit like a joke.

OK now we can move to the next part of the story "The return of the HOCD" rated 0/10 on IMDB.

I was getting a bit addicted to porn (I have always been a bit perverted) and was watching all kinds of stuff. I found out that shemale (sorry for the term) porn works for me which was weird but as far as I read on the internet it is mostly viewed by "straight" gusy so it actually didn't trigger my HOCD the first few times I watched it. Even after I found out about my weird porn endeavors I slept with some girls and it was all good, no issues, no anxiety it was nice.

However, at some point the HOCD kicked-in. I do not know how exactly it did but .. it was something like this: well I like to sometimes watch shemale porn, I must defiantly be gay :D

So the whole story began again, however, I ended up watching & masturbating to gay porn one night because I was certain I am gay and I must prove it to myself so I can stop with the anxiety.

I really did not like this experience though. On the next day I really felt down. I have not watched gay porn ever since (though my HOCD is telling me that I should defiantly relive this awful experience again).

I slept with some girls with main goal to prove myself that I am attracted to girls. Even thought everything was good, shortly after it the HOCD thoughts contuned. I am still experiencing the HOCD no matter what I do.

I actually wouldn't mind being gay, bi, straight, whatever.. just not experience some crazy anxiety out of it.

My real fear, I have realized is "losing attraction to women". Here is where the problem is, I am afraid that I will not be attracted to women and I will be alone and sad for the rest of my life.

I cannot imagine myself being with a man or a transsexual person, it just doesn't do it for me, even thought my HOCD tells me that I am defiantly wrong here. I have recurring thoughts that due to the anxiety I will start seeking relationships with men or transsexual people even though I do not want it, for the purpose to "prove myself" and this kicks in some crazy level of anxiety. I am sure I will not seek such relationships but just the thought of it scares me a lot.

I really want to find myself a girlfriend but it scares me so much. I can't believe that just few months ago I did not have any of these issues and could date girls and have fun and not worry about it. Now, all the time I focus on my groin, I masturbate on purpose to prove myself that I like straight porn (sometimes 3-4 times a day).

OK, what now? I have stopped watching porn (I realized that I had addicted myself quite a lot and only some very kinky stuff could do it for me).

I am trying to stop evaluating my sexual attraction to the "same" sex and "opposite" sex as much as possible. I just want to "not focus on it".

When I had my 1st HOCD, the word "gay" caused anxiety but now it doesn't. Now it is more like: "what if I am only attracted to dicks and not women" -> anxiety or "what if I do not get aroused when seeing a naked woman" -> anxiety.

So I am trying to let those thoughts pass.

However, the OCD is still here together with 100 other random stuff, like fear of illnesses, fear that I will become insane, fear of god and punishment and many other OCD cycles.

Any thoughts, advises, anything is welcomed (as writing this I am afraid that someone will comment "Dude, you gay, bro! Accept it" and I am currently experiencing anxiety :D).

Nevertheless, I am well, functioning. Building career, supporting my family. I am just lonely.. I want a girl in my life and to start building a family. The fear of not having this is really saddening me.

Thank for your time!
Jivolak
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Re: I think I need a bit of support.. HOCD is tiring.

Postby Snaga » Wed Nov 27, 2019 6:16 am

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

Well... you're right about the shemale porn. It's also my understanding it's mostly a straight guy thing- I can't quite remember the convoluted argument why. Something to do with we're obviously most familiar with penises, since that's what guys have; it's a girl with one which makes it... familiar, somehow? It's more relateable from a genitalia standpoint, but it's 'safe', I suppose, since it's a 'girl'.

I don't understand it, myself, I have a Y chromosome, but I consider myself Bi, and unless I'm really into a particular porn performer, in and of themselves (in which case it becomes for me, a 'I don't care what's between her legs' thing), the genre itself doesn't do a whole lot for me. In other words, while I might look up a particular trans porn starlet, I don't often just look up shemale porn as a search term. other than curiosity. So... while I don't understand the attraction they have for straight men, at the same time, I agree that it's not really very gay- if you're into dudes, well, you're into dudes, and not dudettes.

I think you're on the right track with trying to cut out the porn- a bad(ish) habit in and of itself. Not judging anyone, just I think it is something that isn't good for us (even as I myself look at it). And especially looking at gay porn for 'checking'. I think that's not a very good thing to do, at all... to me, sex is sex, and the body will respond, if you're going to make it do so. I mean, I like to use something very silly to illustrate, but I think if I spend a lot of time making myself masturbate to photographs of giraffes, then eventually that would be a habit... that in no way means I really want a giraffe. It just means I've made myself do it often enough, that the body associates 'giraffe' with 'orgasm'.

That's what makes me cringe, when I hear about checking to porn or images that are the focus of the OCD fear. That someone will go all giraffe on it, then confuse that for a real-world attraction that doesn't really exist. So try not to 'check', definitely!
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