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Hocd killing me!! Help!!

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Hocd killing me!! Help!!

Postby Lonniegirl20 » Tue Nov 26, 2019 3:27 am

Hello, so I think imma just start from the very beginning. As you read by the topic, I’m struggling with insanely bad HOCD (or so I hope lol). I’ve had ocd as long as I can remember, It runs in my family (my dad and brother have it). I remember obsessing about killing my family, abusing my future children, having cancer, having an std (when I’ve never had sex), the world ending, and now being gay. This has been one of the worse (end of the world was bad I would pray EVERYDAY and would watch a video on the world ending EVERYDAY for TWO YEARS lol).
First off, I wanna get across I have nothing against gay or lesbian people, I was raised around them. My best friend is a lesbian and I’m completely cool with it; i mean it’s not my life it’s yours, do what you want. Also, sex and stuff has always been a touchy subject. I’m a 17 year old girl (virgin) and from 6-9 I was sexually assaulted and witnessed my best friend get raped by a man. When I was 12 I also liked a boy who would kick me and say rlly mean things to me (like go kill yourself). So i never has a good start with boys.
Anyways, most of the time with my hocd I can test myself (like seeing if I’d kiss a girl) and go “I wouldn’t do that” and get grossed out. But as of late, I’ve been plagued with these immense anxiety driven thoughts and doubts of being in denial. Like: “What if you’re just saying your grossed out by this because you don’t wanna be gay and your in denial?” Or “what if you’re forcing yourself to be grossed out when you actually want it” than I get confused if I want it or not. I remember when I don’t have this I’d see two girls kissing and I’d get really disgusted by it and the thought of me doing it, but lately I’ve been doubting if that’s true. It’s like I can’t trust my own intentions anymore.
Growing up, I always wanted to get married to a guy and have a boyfriend. Like as a kid, I remember having a huge crush on this boy in kindergarten and chasing him on the playground and kissing him. I remember telling boys in first grade I found them cute. I remember thinking one of my brother’s older friends were cute, and wanting to kiss another one of his friends. I remember drawing mustaches on my Barbie dolls because I wanted the girl barbies to fall in love with the guys (and I had no guys at that age). I remember having this crush in third grade and him showing only me his drawing and feeling happy about it. I used to never watch super hero movies cause I thought they were to boyish (LOL) but I started rlly loving Thor and watching it a lot because I thought he was really cute. I remember liking this boy at cheer when I was eleven and wanting him to hold me and hold my hand, and when he did I was rlly happy. I remember when I was 12 I had this photo of newt from the maze runner as my screensaver cause I thought he was rlly cute and nerdy. I remember all these things. I also thought girls were rlly pretty but i never had reactions how I have with guys. Like it was me always wanting to look like them. Like when I was younger this girl I was compared to had a bob, I wanted a bob. This girl in middle school was rlly pretty and had these thick rimmed glasses, I wanted thick rimmed glasses and too look like her. I wanted to be Hannah Montana and live her life. It was never like how I was with boys, it was more of like “I want to look like her and be her and want that attention.” I had posters up of Selena Gomez and I think someone else in my room cause I wanted my walls more filled, before that they were rolled up in my closet because I didn’t care for them.
Then even now, I still have these strong reactions to a guy. Like a few months ago a guy I really loved broke up with me after being on and off for two years and it shattered me. I KNOW for a FACT I was attracted to him, ocd could never take that away from me. But it’s like convinced me that I’m not straight even with all this childhood stuff. Like I used to fantasize and enjoy the thought of kissing a boy and was never grossed out by it, but now when I think of it it’s like my ocd has twisted it into my mind that it’s “something gross” when before I loved kissing boys lol. Then when I’m like “I wanna be with a guy” I get thoughts like “well what if you’re not happy with that guy cause you’re gay.” Or “you can’t be with a guy, cause your not straight.” And that makes me so sad cause I wanna be with one eventually.
I occasionally sext boys as well(no pics just words lol) and I get turned on and want them to do stuff to me and me to them, like my body responds. With a girl it’s never done that unless I was forcing it and even then I was so uncomfortable. The thought of being sexual with another girl makes me so uncomfortable and anxious and is just gross to me. Giving or receiving.
I’ve read the difference between hocd and denial is, people in denial fear people’s reaction but not if they’re attracted to the same sex. For me, I fear being attracted to the same sex and that I’m not straight, but I’m not scared to come out quite a few people in my life know I’ve questioned my sexuality and stuff, that doesn’t scare me. However if I did come out it’d feel wrong, because I know I would never date a girl or be with one.
Also, please don’t tell me to experiment because I don’t rlly wanna lol. My friends who have always said they were curious, and I’m not rlly curious about what it’s like to kiss another girl. The thought of kissing a girl gives me so much anxiety and makes me rlly uncomfortable cause a while ago I would never but now I’m scared I secretly do want it and am just in denial about it, not admitting it to myself. And the thought of kissing a boy now scares me cause I’m scared I won’t like it. So it’s been super stressful. And just I don’t want to kiss another girl lol, I feel no need.
Please don’t tell me to accept being gay, cause I just tried and I started crying and testing and freaking out and having an anxiety attack. I’m really, really scared and lost. I’m reaching wits end. I’ve attempted to take my life a handful of times (from different things, I have insanely bad ptsd from my childhood). Im beginning to contemplate if I should again. I know being gay isn’t bad, it’s just not me. it’s just this constant doubt and these thoughts that keep contorting the reality I knew and convincing me of things I never wanted and still completely don’t.
This all has made me insanely depressed. If anyone has tips on how to beat this monster, please share. I’d love you forever.
Also, I know reassurance is bad but is this all normal for hocd? It’s so bad and scary and I’m so anxious all the time. I just want my life back. Thank you all for reading:)
Lonniegirl20
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