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Help me please... is this HOCD?

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Help me please... is this HOCD?

Postby gianga23 » Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:03 am

Hello,

I’m a 24 y old male from Italy. I believe I have a case of HOCD. Please tell me your opinion about it since where I live there aren’t any psychologists specialized in OCD.

I’ll tell you my background and the case that brought the obsession on.
I’ve always been a very anxious boy, about school, about religion and the meaning of life, sometimes I even had some obsessions about harming others. I didn’t go out much when I was little so that probably has/had an impact too.
I’ve also been a very deep and sensitive person.

But I NEVER doubted my sexuality until one day. I’ve always liked girls ever since I was little, declared my love to them, had sex with them, always considered myself a boy.

I was at my ex best friend’s house. It was me, him and a girl, a friend of ours. He put out his penis at one point, he was in erection. I had a vague pleasurable thought about licking/sucking it.
I never had any homosexual fantasies before, so it scared the crap outta me, I ran away literally and figuratively.

I stopped all my contacts with him and believe me, he was my brother. We were 18 then.
I also became really really scared about male people for some time. Like... “do I like him?” “Omg I’m looking at him”... so forth.
I’ve also had a girlfriend and had sex with her too during these years, but always with the fear of being gay in the back of my mind. Sometimes anxiety was so strong I couldn’t even get an erection.

Now luckily, most of my fears have disappeared. By this I mean I can stay with my brother, my father, my friends without thinking about them sexually or romantically.
I’ve also regained, although partially, my libido for girls. Though I’m too scared to date one now.

The only thing is I’m scared out of my mind about my ex friend. I can’t put him out of my mind and I’ve developed an anxiety disorder because of him.
By this I mean it’s like my mind tells me “ no you love him, you like him, you can’t live happy without him, so forth...” and I’m very anxious about life because I feel like maybe I’m being a fake person. So it’s difficult to be happy with constant fear.

I feel that if I force myself to decide if I like him or not, my brain still isn’t convinced.

We were tighter than tight, maybe too tight. I made all my important first adolescent experiences with him. We played songs together, we talked about girls together, about life and I have to admit I idealized him quite a bit. I felt like he was “superior” to me in a way, knew more people, knew more about life and so forth. So maybe this old inferiority complex and the cherished memories play tricks on me. I also am pretty unhappy about my university subjects, which I find hard and unappealing. So maybe the memories of those first, “pure” experiences are stronger by this.

What can I do? Is this OCD?
Should I accept my anxiety, go forward with my life, let this obsession fade on its own and don’t argue with the thoughts about that episode or him?

I mean... I don’t feel anything for any other male, so I’m inclined to think this is an obsession, but my brain is stuck on him for 6 years and it keeps me urging to check if I like him or not, and I sleep badly and live panicky. Sometimes it seems absurd for me to like him, other times not so, and I just can’t rest my head.

Please help me
gianga23
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