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Im definitely losing my mind

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Im definitely losing my mind

Postby Nimrod95 » Sun Nov 10, 2019 6:14 am

Hello, I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 17, but Im dealing with it since ever. It all started when I was a child, as a religious kid I started to get intrusive thoughts insulting Jesus and picturing wrong things about religious figures. Then it became worse, I started to thought and picture myself stabbing people next to me when I was holding a knife for example or burning a baby alive when I see one thats why I started to avoid all kinds of situations that would trigger the thoughts. And it became worse, I started to live with this character on my mind asking me to do things otherwise I would die, or kill someone if I, for example, I refuse to cross the street and touch a car 5 times or turn the lights on and off 5 times and many other random things that pop in my mind then my mom is gonna die, and if I try to think its not real the thoughts start to make me see my mom getting killed to fight back. And now as a 24 yo man its getting worse, the character which I have in my mind just as intrusive thoughts is telling me he will become more and more realistic and telling me that I have to actually hear what he says not just think about it and that he is real and I am getting paranoid, starting to gadually feel it as a real thing and no longer just thoughts. Starting to feel like its really haunting me. Last time I felt really bad about it was over a year ago, I was just keeping some of the rituals I had in the past but it came back stronger and making clear that he wants to be real. Im afraid Im losing my mind. Does anyone feels the same or had the same problem once? Please help me sharing ur experience if something similar happened to you, I dont wanna see the doc again thats so embarassing for me to talk about it.
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Re: Im definitely losing my mind

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Mon Nov 11, 2019 5:23 am

An entity like that in your mind, who is autonomous enough to tell you things that you don't want to hear and that you don't want to happen, sounds to me like a dissociated part. As far as I know, the intrusive thoughts of OCD feel like one's own thoughts, not like they belong to another character in one's mind who is explicitly threatening them.

The other thing that makes me think this has elements of a dissociative disorder is that you're worried about losing your mind, and worried about being paranoid. People who become psychotic aren't upset that they've "lost their mind," because they don't have the reality testing to even perceive that. People who are paranoid don't wonder if they're being paranoid--they're sure someone is out to get them.

People can have dissociated parts who have OCD--I have one like that, and when she is feeling stressed, we get intrusive thoughts and images from her, and we need to do certain rituals to help her calm down. What you describe sounds more like a protector, though--a part who is trying to keep you safe in a way that might have helped when you were a child, but is causing problems for you now.

That might not be what you're dealing with, but from the way you've described it, it's possible that it's related to a dissociative disorder, and those are often misdiagnosed as other things, including OCD. It's something to consider, especially since it seems that getting treatment for OCD hasn't been helpful.
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