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A baffling kind of crush (not so typical HOCD)

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A baffling kind of crush (not so typical HOCD)

Postby Larbiet101 » Wed Oct 09, 2019 11:36 pm

I'm feeling down and desperate right now and want to know if it's OCD, a platonic crush, squish, real love or whatsoever... I suffered from typical HOCD 10 years ago, but now it seems different.

24, female. I have always considered myself straight, felt physical attraction towards guys, wanted to have romantic relationships only with men, have a boyfriend right now, etc.

There's this coworker at new job (24 f). When I first met her I thought she was quite geekish, but later I started seeing innocence and goodness in her, appreciating her girlnextdoorness (if that even exists). Now I got to know her a little bit more I'm overwhelmed by her sweetness. She comes to my mind during the day and I long to know everything about her. Sharing time with her makes me happy and gives me a warm feeling because of her cuteness, I want her to think I'm a good person who is worth being considered a friend. I could talk about this one girl for hours. I really appreciate when she is nice and friendly to me.

I feel some sort of fascination with her as if she was one of the female protagonists of the novels I write.

But I don't want to have any more than friendship in a dating sense (she has a boyfriend too, and I find it so cute rather than feeling jealous. I want to befriend her and know everything about ver love life and the men she likes). Neither I want to kiss her (To me the idea is just laughable and absurd). I don't want her to be sexually attracted to me.

She happens to be a natural hugger, and the new thing is that now I appreciate a lot her gestures of affection, physical or not. I know 100% she's also straight, which conforts me. But I like a lot when she's cute to me, and sometimes think about it later.

I also get for the first time of my life "friendship jealousy": I feel a little hurt when she meets other friends outside out group of mutual friends (I know this isn't healthy, but I keep it under control. What comes off as strange to me is the fact that I can feel like this)

All this feelings I get are really different to the ones I get when I like a guy (find him hot, want him to notice me and get jealous of the girls that actually get him). I don't feel she is hot. I don't even think she is particularly attractive. I just find her lovable I don't know why.

I think about her a lot and seem to like everything about her.

I've been freaking out about this for 3 months. I sometimes force to imagine myself in a relationship/making out with her to check whether I enjoy it. Many times, it doesn't feel right and I feel relieved that nothing has changed in me. But it's like I can never be sure of the nature of my feelings and I need to ckeck compulsively, until I feel numb and don't know what I'm feeling anymore. Other times it feels like I enjoy it and I worry. I fear whether I would like it if it happened (kissing/relationship) in real life, but it's something I don't desire actively. I've shown patterns of OCD thinking before and don't know if it has to do with this.
Last day we went together to a work meeting, and she was specially well dressed (wore make-up, beautiful dress...). And I thought she was stunning. I got really deep appreciation for her look, I felt for a second she looked SEXY. And the checking began, and didn't know what I feel.

Lately I've been doing worse...

Today she hugged me after I teased her (I sometimes tease people in a friendly way): she came to me and I first I thought she was going to hit me jokingly (in that moment I started being alert: is this flirting?), but she hugged me eventually: at first I liked it in a friendly way, but she kept me for too long, and I started thinking that was very couple-like, feeling anxious and wishing she would let me out. The hug ended with me thinking I liked it, a groinal response and strange urges to kiss her... I had to go for a walk. I only could think: what is happening to me? Did I like it? If I liked it, was it in a romantic way? And those urges to kiss her that feel like a stab in my soul for a second... I don't know if I could do in real life.. This felt too real...

Is this just friendship feeling that comes in a strong way? Might I be bisexual?

I've never felt this for a friend: with the rest of girls it is like: hey, you're fun to be with, let's get along. With her it's: You're so adorable it hurts...

It's like being in love without actually wanting to kiss/date, but just desiring further closeness and mutual knowledge and admiration, but I can't help freaking out about all this.
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Re: A baffling kind of crush (not so typical HOCD)

Postby SomeDude007 » Fri Oct 11, 2019 12:27 am

Hi Larbiet101,

First want to say that I do think this is an OCD thought pattern. I think you have found someone who you really cherish and like as a friend and that you want in your life (again, as a friend). Friend jealousy is definitely a thing; I can get jealous when my friends hang out without me :mrgreen: and you seem to have a good handle on it.

The random thoughts or urges of kissing are probably just that; random thoughts and urges that your over-active mind is picking up on and running away with. It's entirely in the realm of possibility to think someone of the same sex is attractive without having actual romantic/sexual thoughts about them. And remember, thoughts are just that: thoughts, that float around in our heads and don't really mean much some times.

Try not to obsess too much over it (difficult, I know), and definitely don't let it harm your friendship! It sounds very precious; I'll admit that I Awwww'd while reading your post :)
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