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HOCD Update! (I really think I got it this time!)

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HOCD Update! (I really think I got it this time!)

Postby confusedd777 » Wed Aug 14, 2019 9:00 am

So I made a lot of HOCD posts a little over a year ago. I was struggling so bad I couldn't eat or sleep or hangout with my friends. In the summer I did pretty much a 180 and was feeling 100% better.

So I got myself back into the spiral recently when I started masturbating for the first time. At first I was doing it to guys, but the fantasies were all just slightly better versions of sex I already had. BUT THEN a lesbian fantasy slipped in. I wasn't a part of it; 2 celebrities. I started to go back into my old ways but I stopped myself. I didn't google I didn't "check" I did some self reflecting...

A huge part of the reason I thought I was gay was dreams. Well in the past 2 years I've had a lot of dreams and a ton were about guys I liked.. kissing, going on vacations, dating etc..

In the past 2 years I met a lot of people (girls and guys) and guess what! I never once met a girl I had any romantic feelings for. I met a ton of guys I wanted to go out with hook up with etc..

I had my heard broken and guess who it was by! A boy

So what does it mean that I enjoyed the fantasy? Well, I reflected on that too. I enjoyed the fantasy 1. because sex is arousing and 2. because I liked the taboo, first time, trying new things aspect of it

I've come to the conclusion that this weekend when I go to the bars, I just don't wanna go home with a girl; when I get married, I don't want it to be to a girl; when I raise kids, I don't want it to be with a girl.

And if I was meant to be gay?? What does that even mean anyway? Who knows what they're meant to be. Maybe I was meant to be the princess of a small country but I doubt I'm gonna be that either.

Synonyms for orientation "attitude, inclination, direction, aim, intention". I am oriented toward men. And that's the bottom line for me.

Overall, I think many HOCD suffers get hung up on the fact that you can only be attracted to one gender and any attraction outside that one gender must mean they are attracted exclusively to the other gender. This is just not the case. You can't choose what makes you happy, but you CAN choose to do what makes you happy.

I mostly wrote this for me just to reconcile my own feelings.
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