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hOCD into pOCD; feeling like I'm winning

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hOCD into pOCD; feeling like I'm winning

Postby TheMovieMan » Tue Aug 13, 2019 2:13 pm

Some might get spiked/triggered by reading this.

After a six month battle with hOCD I finally managed to defeat it. Something even worse came into its place: pOCD. During my hOCD I've had a few pOCD struggles as well about little boys but those I also managed to ignore and they faded away.

Right of the bat I can confidently state that I have absolutely no desire to touch kids inappropriately and I've not thought about it since my last encounter with pOCD. I've always wanted to have a wife and children of my own and I've always regarded things as child abuse and child por(I don't want to
type out this word) as very disturbing and wrong. I remember when I was around 7 our elementary school was visited by some lady who showed us various videos of child abuse and one was about a little girl being raped by her father and it shocked me so much. I've been a fan of Chris Hanson
catching predators, but sometimes I also felt a little sorry for the people who got caught. This is because I think the thought of being locked up for life is frightening. I've had pOCD spikes in the past. Thinkin about this makes me worry that maybe I have been liking little girls for a longer
time now. I do not understand how an adult can actually want to be in a relationship with a child and I don't want to understand. It disturbs me to picture myself with a young girl.

I've been looking for a girlfriend for a very long time and I've been feeling incredibly lonely. I can't wait to meet one whom I can love and be with. But I know that before that, I have to work on myself. I want this pOCD to be gone so I can focus on making the best out of myself and attract girls my age.

I keep wondering if I like little girls more than girls my age (this is extremely disturbing to write for me). I've had groinal responses (I'm crying right now after typing this).

My thoughts include checking whether or not I feel things for children I have only ever felt for girls my age. I've NEVER been in love with a girl out of my range of age (except for being in love with girls who were 16/17/18 when I myself was 8/9/10. When I was 18 I had a girlfriend that was just 15, and in retrospect I'm VERY happy she broke up with me (we met in a group home for troubled teens). I think she was just mature for her age and first I had OCD about liking her but then the leaders of the group home said it wouldn't be weird if I did and this somehow made me actually like her. It's weird to write about this and I NEVER regarded this as some kind of pedo behaviour. Thinking about it now I would've never done that, I guess I've grown a lot as a person. Mind you, I've never done anything with this girl. We didn't even kiss (luckily). She once sat on my lap and it felt really, really weird. I am so worried now that this is proof of me being capable of liking little girls. When she broke up with me I was so devastated that I self-harmed. I've never really felt sexually attracted to this girl when I think about it.

I'm very scared that I won't be able to fall in love with a girl my own age anymore. My head keeps saying I don't like girls that do 'adult things' but in reality I would be very disturbed if a girl I am in love with would perform child-like behaviour. I'm scared I won't be able to connect with a girl my age anymore. I'm scared I'll eventually have to give in. My life would be over. I still wouldn't touch any kid, though. I will NEVER EVER do that! My main concern is with the thought whether I 'want' to do that or not. I would NEVER act on it, anyway. I'm scared this will keep me from being happy for some reason. I had these kind of thoughts with hOCD too, so that's proof for them being nonsense. Just like with hOCD, my thoughts keep saying 'are you sure?' and things like 'maybe you want to think it over again so you can become a gay/pedo?'

The fact that I have been thinking about this disturbs me. When I manage to calm myself after realizing my thoughts are nonsense, this calmness will only last a few minutes before I just HAVE to ruminate again. I fear that I won't be able to enjoy relationships with women anymore. When I see a pretty woman I sometimes in my head compare her to little girls and try to decide which one looks better. I hate this because my brain seems to completely ignore the fact that I look at women in a completely different way than I see little kids. It's like comparing a pretty woman to a cute cat.

I also fear that liking certain things in girls my age, like high-pitched voices or them liking stuff like, I don't know, Disney, makes me a pedo. I recently saw a girl my age who was kinda attractive, but then I thought 'she's got child-like features' and I suddenly felt like I thought she was more attractive. I don't know why and I felt really disturbed. I've always thought the face was the most attractive feature of a woman, which also gives me fear. My head says 'if you don't care for features like breasts then that must mean you are capable of liking little kids.' But I do love breasts on women, I just see them as a bonus (I'm kinda lying about this, but it's just that all girlfriends I've had a serious relationship with had great breasts so I have nothing to complain about here).

When I started writing this I felt very anxious. Now I don't. This isn't because I accepted the thought of being a pedo, but because I took the heavy fear response out of the things I have written by not avoiding them. I know this is OCD, because I literally spend hours a day ruminating and thinking. I am still fearful and ruminating. I just wanted to share this with you who suffer from the same form of OCD. I started writing this because I needed help, but now I feel like I wrote this more for myself than I did for others. If you have comments, questions or tips, just let me know. I don't feel like a pedo at all now and it feels great to be me again. Sometimes I think these OCD things act up because I'm scared that my life will be too boring or something. I remember when my hOCD started a frequent thought was 'being gay makes you special!' (although it doesn't). But I can confidently say that I'd rather have an extremely boring life without OCD than a life with OCD and constant fears.
TheMovieMan
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