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It's all denial

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It's all denial

Postby hocdsufferer » Sat Aug 10, 2019 9:37 pm

It's over, it really is. I'm gay and I know it and I just ignore it. I'm completely sure that I'm gay, I just saw a couple, a beautiful and sexy girl that every guy would like, and I felt like I wanted to look at her boyfriend. I'm at a temporary work as a student and there is this guy that's more feminine and I think to myself that he's gay and we go have sex in the bathroom like gay couples in movies. And I feel that I actually like it :( I even felt slight increase in size in my groin while typing this. What do I do????!! I'M GAY I don't know what to do anymore, I know I'm gay and I just want it to magically go away :( It's over. It was never just OCD. Omfg what do I do :( I just know I really am gay :( nobody with OCD actually has stuff like this happen to them, I'm truly gay and have true feelings and I'm just trying to deny that and it's so obvious. I feel like my chest is being squeezed right now because I don't know what to do :( And nobody can help me I don't even know why I'm writing this, I'm just gay and there's no cure for that. Omfg :(
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Re: It's all denial

Postby hocdsufferer » Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:01 pm

I really don't know what to do because I know it's real and I can't do anything and it's like my chest is being squeezed and I have a lump in my throat and want to cry because I know it's true and I won't be able to ignore it forever. This is not OCD. :(

I also get triggered the most from specific guys, which is different in OCD because mosr guys will trigger you. I feel like with some I'm unable to control it and I really want it. :(
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Re: It's all denial

Postby jj19 » Wed Aug 14, 2019 6:51 am

99% of hocd stories that i read says the exact same thing than you. You should find a cbt therapist asap
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Re: It's all denial

Postby hocdsufferer » Thu Aug 15, 2019 11:06 am

jj19 wrote:99% of hocd stories that i read says the exact same thing than you. You should find a cbt therapist asap


I just know it's real and when I get home I just ignore everything like nothing is happening. But at those times I'm really 100% sure it's real.
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Re: It's all denial

Postby EBk3167 » Thu Aug 15, 2019 12:40 pm

I had a really awful bout of hocd for over 10 years. I did erp sessions with *mod edit* and it literally fizzled out. I had the worse form including groin responses all day every day. I say to you hocd is real and its best to use erp which works. My erp was porn all day everyday. I feel your pain but ill let you know that it is curable
Last edited by Snaga on Fri Aug 16, 2019 6:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: no names, please
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Re: It's all denial

Postby TheMovieMan » Thu Aug 15, 2019 4:39 pm

Stop it, damnit. I've seen your posts all over the OCD board, which is a clear indicator of the fact that YOU'RE NOT GAY. Listen to me I was really scared I was gay as well for the past 6 months. My first hOCD episode started when I was 13. It's on and off. But it will disappear. Just have the confidence that you're not gay. Your mind is so focused on men and the idea of being gay that it has pushed women to the back of it. It's your survival mechanism working overtime. You're gonna get better and I'm gonna tell you what you do. You're gonna stop coming to this site for reassurance. I know writing takes the edge of the fear, but you're seeking reassurance, which isn't the right way to recovery. Trust me, you're not gay. Start to focus on things that matter to you (except your sexuality) and you will see the fears of being gay will fade. It might be tempting to come to this site again after reading this post, but trust me it won't get you anywhere. Try to resist this urge. You will get better at it and with it you will learn to let go of this irrational fear. It's gonna be very scary and a thousand 'but what if?' questions will go through your head. Just listen: those are ALL from the OCD.

All the best, mate!
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Re: It's all denial

Postby hocdsufferer » Wed Oct 02, 2019 12:43 pm

TheMovieMan wrote:Stop it, damnit. I've seen your posts all over the OCD board, which is a clear indicator of the fact that YOU'RE NOT GAY. Listen to me I was really scared I was gay as well for the past 6 months. My first hOCD episode started when I was 13. It's on and off. But it will disappear. Just have the confidence that you're not gay. Your mind is so focused on men and the idea of being gay that it has pushed women to the back of it. It's your survival mechanism working overtime. You're gonna get better and I'm gonna tell you what you do. You're gonna stop coming to this site for reassurance. I know writing takes the edge of the fear, but you're seeking reassurance, which isn't the right way to recovery. Trust me, you're not gay. Start to focus on things that matter to you (except your sexuality) and you will see the fears of being gay will fade. It might be tempting to come to this site again after reading this post, but trust me it won't get you anywhere. Try to resist this urge. You will get better at it and with it you will learn to let go of this irrational fear. It's gonna be very scary and a thousand 'but what if?' questions will go through your head. Just listen: those are ALL from the OCD.

All the best, mate!


My schoolmate who suffers from OCD just went to a new psychiatrist and told her everything and that he actually gets aroused by guys and everything, and she told him that she has a patient with HOCD, but the guy has a girlfriend and is questioning it, but that if my schoolmate actually has it like he says, he might actually be gay and that he should accept it.
This triggered me, because it made me realise, I'm truly gay too, although I always think I am. I don't know what to do. I really don't. It's just because I'm in denial and can't accept it because of the society. That's really all. I don't think other HOCD sufferers actually get what I'm getting... I just don't know what to do and I feel like my life is ruined. I'm actually gay :(
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Re: It's all denial

Postby hocdsufferer » Wed Oct 02, 2019 4:15 pm

I really don't know what to do, he keeps saying that he accepted it but that he doesn't want to.
I thought he had OCD, but now that I see that the psychiatrist even told him that he's bisexual or whatever and that everyone is on the spectrum, I don't know what to do, because they would tell me the same. They even said that even if he accepted he would keep checking and that's what he's doing.

I'm losing my mind right now, it's eating me inside and I can't live like this... I'm really gay and I don't know what to do, I can't accept it because I'm just scared to and that's all.
I'm just gay in denial. I actually FEEL all of the stuff, it's actual feelings and I'm truly gay.
I get attracted to a guy and I just want to ignore it because I'm in denial and I want to tell myself that maybe it's all OCD. But it's impossible... It can't be OCD, because it's too real. I know every person with OCD says it feels real, but I feel like it's different for me. Like, I actually feel it's 100% real, and I can't deny it a lot of the times because the feelings feel so strong and I feel that I like it and everything and I get anxious because I see once again that it's all real.
I'm really just in denial, everyone would say so if this wasn't a HOCD forum. I really don't know what to do. I will have to switch psychiatrist soon too, and I'm afraid that the new one will just tell me that I'm gay. Please, if someone had this experience, tell me.

I'm crying right now, I can't live like this, I'm gay and I don't want to be, but I don't want to be gay just because I'm in denial and afraid of the society and people. I don't know what to do, I feel so hopeless and depressed because I can't do anything about it, I'm gay and I will be forever and I can't and don't want to accept it. My life is ruined, it's over. Please, someone reply because I don't know what to do anymore :(

I can't do this anymore
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Re: It's all denial

Postby hocdsufferer » Wed Oct 02, 2019 5:12 pm

I also just went and searched for HOCD on Google and found answers on Quora and almost every says that whoever asked is probably bisexual in denial and that he should accept it.

Do you think its possible for a male with HOCD (the so called sexual version of OCD) to feel like he is attracted to other males when in reality he is just feeling extreme anxiety when he finds another person pretty/fit (or want to be like them)?


These were the answers. And I think they are true for me. I have internalized homophobia and I'm truly gay and can't accept it. I don't have OCD, even though I was diagnosed with it for this specific "obsession" of being gay. I really think I'm actually gay........ What do I do, I can't live like this :(

There is a lot of homophobia in the world and it doesn’t take a heterosexual to be homophobic. Most gay people I know have some form of internalized homophobia even.


it is only reasonable that you would try to explain away your attraction to the same gender as an awkward appreciation of their form or fitness.

I know that before I came out, I drew pictures of naked men and tried to make myself believe that I was just attracted to the physical form since I didn’t want to be affiliated with being gay


If you are attracted to males and females, then you are bisexual. That attraction can be very asymmetrical, or symmetrical.

You can chose to act on it or not. But I can tell you something: I’ve never know someone that has been happy denying himself his sexuality


I genuinely can’t tell from your post what your sexuality is. But if you’ve been thinking about guys, you probably should look at getting some experience with them to see if you like it or not.


- Sexuality can change, adapt, and shift throughout your life, and your experiences may not always fit a particular box.

- Lots of us are on a spectrum when it comes to sexual preferences - being "completely straight" or "completely gay" isn't the case for a lot of us, and that's perfectly okay!


Also, everyone keeps saying "thoughts are just thoughts", but it's not just thoughts, I actually have real stuff happening and... I don't even know why I'm writing this as nobody can help me. I'm gay and always will be. It's ######6 over for me. :cry:

obsessive-compulsive/topic180740.html
I'm probably more like this guy. I could get an erection to gay porn. OMFG I REALLY COULD :( I don't want to check because I know I would. And I think I already got an erection to gay porn before. It's ######6 over. It's over.
Everyone says that they know deep down and in reality they get disgusted by gay stuff or repulsed by it or don't ever get aroused. I don't even want to write that I do, so I could deny it easier, but I did get an ereciton before and I would every time and I don't want to check just because I know I would and I can't accept it. I'm gay, I'm crying and feel so much weight on my chest and panicking.
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Re: It's all denial

Postby jj19 » Thu Oct 03, 2019 2:53 pm

Well, listen to me, I'm gay and i can tell you that what you are looking on google and sites like quora are just wrong, and especially for ppl suffering of hocd. Especially because what you're reading from the answer is biased by what your ocd wants you to see and this answer seems to come from a person who absolutely don't know about ocd and what ocd is.
My therapist said that a lot of wrong things are on internet and that's absolutely right.
Please stop trying to find an answer, try to find professional help, and if it's possible therapist specialized in ocd, it seems that the psychiatrist you're schoolmate have seen is definitely not an ocd speciailst and idk if she really said that he is bisexual or idk but that's #######4, like no one can say what is your sexual orientation, and definitely when u suffer of ocd. Ypur brain has definitely make your whole world about this question and that's not normal or healthy and it doesn't mean that it means anything. About what your are saying about other ocd sufferers, i can tell you that litteraly 99% of ocd sufferers feel like you, like they are in denial and that they are just denying their identity.
About denial, i don't know a person in denial who's convincing to be what they are denying, that doesn't exist, so maybe you are very confused, it's normal because of ocd but i don't believe you are in denial, a person in denial will not go into a forum to scream that he is convinced he is gay .But please find a therapist, believe me as a gay person who suffers of ocd ( i don't suffer of hocd but another them let's be clear), having ocd is lot worse than being gay lmao. i don't even think you're gay though but you have to go through therapy no matter how hard it is (and i know it's hard) , and about your school mate i think he should find an ocd specialist too, both of you can beat that.
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