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POCD - Guilt/real memories, current obsession. PLEASE HELP

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POCD - Guilt/real memories, current obsession. PLEASE HELP

Postby Mittens120995 » Wed Jun 12, 2019 1:39 am

A few years ago I had some really awful OCD themes. POCD, HOCD, TOCD, all rapid cycling through the space of about 18 months. I had therapy and seemed to get over it just fine.

Recently, in the last 6 months or so, some new information has come to light. When I was 17, my father was arrested for possession of child pornography. I'm now 23. It's been a very long time since I last saw or spoke to my father, but I found out he was getting married again to a woman 2 years younger than me. This triggered some memories that my therapist and I had thought may be repressed. Unfortunately, some memories about my father also resurfaced for my brother too. I would have done anything to protect him and knowing he's been hurt makes me filled with rage. This has started off my POCD again, though, worrying that 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree' - that sort of thing.

Then I remembered when I was around 10, I started having interactions with my cousin who was a year or two younger than me. We were very close as children. I vaguely remember him initiating it. I have done some research - probably a compulsion now that I've started worrying it, that the age difference isn't for concern and that the interaction that occurred (non-penetrating) means it'd commonly be considered 'childhood experimentation'.

I can't help but feel horrible. Am I a predator? Am I just a remake of my father? Will I hurt any of my future children? I've been panicking about it for the last week or so. To make it worse, the cousin in question messaged me earlier, approaching midnight 'just to catch up', even though we haven't spoken in nearly 2 years (his father is a drunk who verbally and physically abused my mother last year)
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