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POCD and questionable pornography (trigger warning)

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POCD and questionable pornography (trigger warning)

Postby mindfulocd » Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:00 pm

I've had OCD since I was like 8 years old, but I've been struggling with the POCD theme for about 6 months, which was exacerbated by a traumatic medication change over the Summer. I had been doing well for about a month, but approximately 3 weeks ago, I was watching pornography on a LEGAL porn site and I had gone to the 'teen' genre and immediately I saw a thumbnail for a softcore video where the female looked really young. I could feel my OCD spike, and I think I didn't really want to click on the video, but I felt like if I didn't, I would -ironically- be thinking about it forever after (thinking about her age and whether I thought she was attractive in the thumbnail). I then watched the video and I was confused because the actresses body did look fully developed but her face looked really young (like 13 or 14, maybe even 12), I'm pretty sure I was attracted to her body and I did touch myself a few times.

I scrolled to the comments to see what people were saying and somebody said that she was 17 and someone else said her videos were being taken down. After reading these, I started to panic, thinking that I may have looked at and liked CP. I then started to do research on the company that produced the video and it looked like they were a legitimate company (their webpage said they comply with the 18+ policies), so I tried to find the actresses name so I could confirm her age, but I couldn't find anything. I felt the compulsion to rewatch the video so I could review her face, but I decided not to because I knew it wouldn't help. I also decided to stop researching the company and actress, and instead, practice mindfulness.

The following week I was obsessing over the actresses face (because it looked really young), and I was compulsively mentally-reviewing a scene in the video where it showed her face closeup and I was trying to determine if I thought she was attractive. Things improved slightly after that week, as I was working on being mindful of my obsessions, but then I began to have a new obsession/worry (which is what I'm currently obsessing over). I started to worry that if the actress was underage, then I had contributed to the abuse of a child. I've felt so much guilt and depression about this. Even though it wasn't my intention to view videos like that when I was originally viewing pornography, I still deliberately clicked on that video when I saw it. Interestingly, my first obsession of whether I was attracted to her doesn't really bother me anymore, but is completely dwarfed by my second obsession. I've noticed this before too, where previous obsessions become obsolete as soon as I find a new obsession.

I'm struggling pretty hard with this. Any input would be appreciated.
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Re: POCD and questionable pornography (trigger warning)

Postby mindfulocd » Fri Jan 11, 2019 1:35 am

Am I a terrible person? Do you think this is pedophile behavior? Do you think I harmed that female or ruined her life?
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Re: POCD and questionable pornography (trigger warning)

Postby mindfulocd » Fri Jan 11, 2019 3:24 am

Deep down I'm pretty sure I am not a pedophile, but I feel a lot of guilt/remorse over this event.
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