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TOCD/Weird Fantasy?

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TOCD/Weird Fantasy?

Postby Jescam562 » Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:28 am

Just a post to get things off my chest, and a bit graphic. I am a 25 y/o male slight bisexual and throughout my life I always have worried and had anxiety from having diseases, to fear of germs, fear of getting terminal illnesses etc. I never questioned my gender, and never really had a problem with who I was, always imagined myself with a beard before puberty, self conscious of my wrists being small, wanting an adams apple, playing with toy cars when I was little etc. typical stuff young boys do. Just a bit of a background and a bit graphic sorry but I do have some abnormal sexual fantasies one which includes me imagining myself being a woman during sex. Or I would see an attractive woman and say it would be hot to be her because she was hot not because of being a woman in general. Its weird but whatever. I never really thought why I did it I just thought my attraction to women steered me towards this sometimes when I would try to get off.

I read this could be Autogynophilia and this isn't my first time wondering weather or not I was trans and just didn't know it yet until something hit me. This was a few years back but I got over it since there were no signs of me being uncomfortable with who I am as a male so it stopped.

Now fast forward two weeks ago. I browse reddit sometimes and I come across this one thread that this girl had a one night stand hookup that went fantastic. It was a bit detailed sexually wise and my first reaction was that I was aroused by it, and my guess is that due to the fact it was sexual in nature. The next reaction to this story was that I had a bit of jealousy right behind it. This type of jealousy firstly hit against my own terrible sex life which in reality I don’t have one. Its pathetic. I was wondering why at this age im still a virgin and have low confidence of going out and having fun. Anyways this story was still on the back of my mind since I kept wondering why exactly was there jealousy besides my own sex life. Then it hit me with anxiety and fear that the real reason why is because I was a woman and just didn’t know it. Then the fear of being trans-gendered flared right back up, I kept obsessing, I lost sleep, hard to eat sometimes etc.

Now I am here with lots of questions coming from the flood gates and fears going back and forth of why was I always comfortable with who I was until now? I keep obsessing. Why have I read multiple stories of women and their best orgasms in the past and I was never jealous? Why did I always day dream listening to music and having a great time with a girl and just imagining myself a guy. Why was their never any discomfort with my own body at all period? Why am I turned on sometimes reading erotic stories by a woman’s perspective? Is it because it’s sexual in nature, or is it because im in denial I am a woman and want it from that perspective? I mean fantasy is one thing reality is another. Maybe it’s a weird form of sexual envy? When I watch porn I imagine myself from both sides. I keep checking and watch porn videos and ask myself do I really want that as a woman in reality?

To be honest I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be obsessing im TOCD if I never read that story. I can sometimes relax a bit take a step back reason with myself and look at my past and realize there is no evidence I wanted to be a girl ever. There was not one single sign. What makes me feel a little better is that I also came by another thread from another sub-reddit that this guy who had a female friend was developing jealousy because she was getting laid and he wasn’t. And I know he isn’t obsessing that why is he jealous of a females sex life and not another guys. Now I am imagining me with a female name, wearing women clothing, and seeing if I like that. Staring at my genitals constantly and asking do I want this replaced with a vagina instead? Would I get relief If I asked somebody to dress me as a woman? The answers are no but with the fear and feeling of doubt behind it for some reason. I wish I could just MIB memory erase it off my mind so I wouldn’t be pure O about it. I just want to go back a month ago and live my life happily with who I am.
Jescam562
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