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I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. (Tocd)

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I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. (Tocd)

Postby AlwaysThinking » Fri Dec 07, 2018 3:55 am

It's been a while since I wrote something on here. A good while. For at the time I felt like I finally took down what was the initial source of my problems. I accepted the possibility and everything! Or so I thought. With the month getting colder, I had to wear long sleeved attire, and for the most part, it involved a sweater. A nicely knit sweater that I swear every time I have worn it I have had this, feeling, this problem that wells up inside of me. Conflict. It's light, and yet muted thoughts that touch upon the back of my mind when I'm doing something. The sleeves are long, and the bottom of it extends a bit towards my hips, and honestly, I do love it! I love the sweater itself. The thoughts just keep getting stronger and stronger and eventually I was just thinking in the back of my mind in mid conversations about like "Oh wow you're going to admit you're trans to everyone." or "Wow when you're talking about derogatory terms. You want to mainly focus on transphobic language because you, yourself are one!" and now whether or not the sweater was responsible for this is beyond me especially considering that earlier in the month, my mom had told me that my grandparents from my dad's side wanted to talk to me. I said that I would love to talk to them, I was thinking about coming out as gay to them! I haven't spoken to them in years and maybe it's a subconscious freak out that I'm conflating with wearing a simple sweater. Whatever it may be, for the past day in a half, I wake up and feel sad. I haven't felt this way since the first month I went through this. It's not as severe, but it's a hollow echo of what I originally went through. I just want to feel normal again.
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