Our partner

HOCD or whatever I don't even know at this point please help

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: Snaga

HOCD or whatever I don't even know at this point please help

Postby HockeyGuy91 » Sat Nov 10, 2018 8:58 pm

I already posted on here a little bit ago but, I really need some serious help and advice..

Sorry this is long. Im an 18 year old male and have always been confident in my straight sexuality for a long time. I've had self-esteem issues for a quite sometime before this hit but nothing about my sexuality. I have never had a girlfriend but had crushes on cute girls who didnt like me back.

I would always would dream of having a future wife and always found women beautiful and attractive and would get real nervous to talk to them but it was a good anxiety i felt. So starting this summer back in late july-early august i was just doing nothing but thinking cause i had nothing to do and then (and i really regret asking myself this and wish i could go back to feeling like myself again) this thought came into my head and everything spun out of control from there and i had extreme anxiety and worries and started doing compulsions such as comparing the male and female body to see which one was more attractive.

And would always reassure myself i was straight. And the arousal and focus on the groin is the worst! But now I don't have anxiety anymore to the thoughts and and images and now I have no attraction to the opposite sex really at all and now just find men attractive and whenever i try to think of girls thoughts of guys come and ruin it.

which really makes me think i just turned gay in 4-5 months but i also realize how unrealistic and impossible that is. I never thought guys were attractive before this started and never deemed a relationship or get married to a guy. I feel like i have to try a relationship with a guy to find out but I also know that i will regret and it will probably be a traumatizing experience. I know in my heart im straight because i wanted a girl before this so why would I all of sudden wouldnt now?

But whenever i get these thoughts i feel guilt, shame, and some depression because i feel like im closeted or in denial but I know im not. It feels so real and convincing and i still doubt myself. And i worry if i were to start one with a woman i wouldnt be able to commit myself because of these thoughts.. and i would feel complete guilt that im lying to her or im lying to myself but i know deep down im not its totally ###$. I have been diagnosed with GAD because i worry so much about $#%^ to the point its probably extremely unhealthy and this is all i think about pretty much now because its troubling i feel like i lost that person who I was. Can you relate?

I know im not diagnosed with OCD but i think (and hope) i developed it cause of this specific theme anyway. I just dont understand how my interests just all of a sudden changed?! I feel sad and worried i really miss my loving attraction of woman! It just gets to the point where i think its completely real 

Now i feel im at the point where i don't really feel straight at all the thoughts and fantasies of the same sex getting so easily aroused/erections now and on tv when watching a show i notice guys now more than women and now im pretty sure i wouldn't enjoy a heterosexual relationship anymore but a homo one...

i don't even think this is a symptom of hocd, now im starting to think im actually gay its just repressed feelings (cause as i type this and someone reads this it definently sounds gay or at least bi)

i feel like this is an identity crisis now and i have completely turned gay in 4-5 months...but if i did how come i only had attractions to women before this? Im just so confused to the point where im going to probably give in at some point of my life. i just don't know what to do or know who i am anymore i really thought i did

Is it possible I've become fixated on groinal/arousal towards men and my brain finally caught on to it finally and wired its self to do this response or is it influenced by anxiety? Also, is this how a person figures out they are gay/bi? This seems kinda impossible to do it this way. It doesn't seem natural.

I just don't want woman's heart broken because that would be the worst feeling in the world or to be a fraud because, I would love a woman more than I probably love myself and life itself..

I feel like im at the point im about ready to throw in the towel..

the arousal is the worst and pisses me off, confuses me, saddens me, now im not confident in myself anymore. i don't know what i even really want anymore...this i think has stripped me of something i was looking forward to being with a woman no doubt. And i haven't watched gay porn and don't plan to go down that road..i will just stick to straight and fetish porn

I would rather live alone then with a man but then i even doubt myself of that to and feel like im lying to myself and thinking thats exactly what i want. But sometimes during the day i feel totally straight and am happy with the thought of pleasing women and doing as they ask to show my commitment. So its sort of like a lightswitch.

i wish i could just give myself instant amnesia to forget about all this gay stuff, cause to me its not cool to me. Or i wish i could take a vaccuum cleaner and suck all the gay $#%^ stuck in my brain out tbh..

I constantly feel arousal and can get erect even if i just picture a dudes face now, this use to never be an issue..I swear i literally just discovered im gay. and whats even worse is I AM CALM ABOUT IT! I am about as calm as i was before this thought, now it feels like i must enjoy cause i picture it and get aroused easily, and im calm. Its like i accepted it as i write i think im just repressing and denying it to myself, i just have to..nobody goes through this $#%^ to this extent. this has to be a crisis, GREAT! I really wanted to live a straight life with only and nothing but women, but now i probably won't enjoy it. I will probably enjoy a gay one more, i also don't even feel sad writing this i feel like i feel nothing, like a natural face expression. which has defintely made me think im gay. Even though i never had crushes on guys only girls. But those were probably munipulated and forced...i don't know who i am or what i want anymore my mind is in a mindf**k. I must be a fraud., WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME!?  (this post just screams gay it just has to)...

And sometimes im in a happy mood with these thoughts? Or am i happy because i try to not let them bother me especially when im occupied? And when i picture myself with a life with women i feel really happy and the gay $#%^ goes away for a very very brief time. Im talking like only a few minutes. Its very unfournate that this thought can ruin you're whole future because you think you really know yourself  but you really don't THE ONE THING IN LIFE I WAS GOING TO LOVE AND BE PROUD OF WAS LOVING A WOMAN UNCONDITIONLEY! But now i don't even think im capable, because im a fraud..my emotions are so out of whack which makes me more uneasy because i feel things negative for stuff i would hate but now it feels like its good which is weird and I THINK i hate it. Im soo done...I don't know whats what. I really hate my anxious brain, and im not even diagnosed with OCD just GAD.. :( :oops: :cry: :x :|

Can anyone relate to what i just wrote?
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
Posts: 15
Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2018 3:05 am
Local time: Sun Apr 21, 2019 5:50 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Re: HOCD or whatever I don't even know at this point please help

Postby Snaga » Tue Nov 13, 2018 7:41 pm

Duplicate thread ongoing discussion at obsessive-compulsive/topic210182.html

Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.


We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Site Admin
Posts: 12013
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Sun Apr 21, 2019 4:50 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Return to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Forum

  • Related articles
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: JacksonRorschach and 70 guests