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Severe OCD

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Severe OCD

Postby jeremy1069 » Sun Sep 16, 2018 5:33 am

I know I have OCD. I'm 31, male, etc. I was diagnosed in the fall of 2007. Been on every medication, Zoloft took the edge off but it stopped working. Decided to avoid the severe withdrawal I'd stay on 25mg of Luvox. No better, no worse.

I just want to know if any of this is unusual for OCD or just OCD at its worse. Because it's pretty much ruined my life.

First, I lost a friend of suicide. Ever since, I haven't been able to enjoy my hobbies. I'm pretty certain that if I do, someone else will get sick and die. I've tried to convince myself "ridiculous" but over and over again someone got sick and died a few days after, whether it was pets or some celebrity. This has been going on for two years. I know it's most likely OCD, but it's so branded into my brain that I really cannot push myself to ignore it. Maybe it is true. The hobby was simple, playing and enjoying music.

I'm constantly stuck in a "If I do this, this or that might happen" I want to clean and throw a few things out, "Don't or something terrible will happen or what happened before will happen again."

Then there's dates and times, either ones that are associated with what I think are "bad numbers" or bad events that I either do everything to avoid doing something on because I don't want it to happen again or I don't want it to be tarnished.

Some people I know had a fight in 2015. I think it was because I got a new bed and some traveling I did for whatever reason. Unfortunately for me, I ended up traveling to the same area this year. I convinced myself that because it was slightly different that it will be fine. I was doing everything I could to avoid having to replace my bed, but it ended up happening twice in this month. Now I'm in utter fear that it will happen again because of this.

I feel like I'm being punished. Its becoming so bad, I know it's probably the OCD but every single time I say "No, it's just the OCD. Go ahead" and then same things happen again and again, seemingly making my brain acknowledge that "Yes, this simple everyday thing is what caused it. So avoid it at all costs."

It's so fatiguing. I can't enjoy life anymore. I have to dread everything. I've said this to doctors, therapists in mental hospitals, other people, they all have no answer for it. Not even much of a response. They just look at me like I'm crazy.
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Re: Severe OCD

Postby narsul » Sun Sep 16, 2018 10:42 pm

Hi Jeremy.

I suffered from OCD in my early schoolyears and part of me has this condition today at 33 too.So I understand how you feel.

You started with your friend’s suicide. OCD comes as a neurosis based mainly on an emotion that our payche tries to block. Might it be that you deny your anger towards the friend who left you all so sudden? If thats the case, admitting it working it through will help you lower the overall anxiety level.
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Re: Severe OCD

Postby jeremy1069 » Mon Sep 17, 2018 3:51 am

The condition initially flared up during traumatic events when I was 20. The second time around (Which continues to this day), it’s been mostly guilt (I think I was the last person he talked to) I’ve had short periods of anger which began as a form of frustration. It’s the only thing that I can tie together with when this started. Even before this happened, OCD was always there, even before this happened. I just had it under control with 200MG of Zoloft. I’ve been on high doses of everything else since, desperate for answers but there are none in the medication world that can fix this right now..

I’m down to 25mg of Luvox (from 200) The OCD has not got any worse or better from the medication cutback. But the discontinuation syndrome has been brutal. I don’t want to go higher up again because the side effects (Heart racing) are more dangerous than the condition itself.

I have an appointment for a therapist this coming week, but I don’t know how far it will go. CBT Therapy is not available where I live, the only one that does accepts no insurance. Cash only, which I do not have. So that is out of the question.
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