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Suffering for 10 years, HOCD?

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Suffering for 10 years, HOCD?

Postby mrtrapped » Sat Sep 15, 2018 4:53 am

I need to tell you something, I am in love with a guy. I'm pretty ashamed about it, but I think I've loved him since high school. I am a straight male by birth but when I was 20, my childhood friend maew an advance on me and I ran away. The encounter was traumatic Because there was no way by I wanted to place the platonic male emotional bond as a brother with being gay. It felt like he emotionally raped me but I enjoyed it on some level-- I feel in my heart though that I most certainly had been in live with my male friend and this was a pivital event that gave me "the gay realization".  Since then I have had intrusive thoughts about being gay and intrusive but arrousing thoughts of being submissive in in appropriate times. Such as a toothless homeless guy will seem to jump out and scare me, but also his filthyness would be arrousing and I have compulsions to want to suck his dick. These feelings and thoughts seemed to manifest and get more intense as the months dragged by, and as years went along and the shame I felt was incredible high. Since those thoughts I have been feeling less and less attracted to women, I remember at one point I couldn't have sex with a woman without having some kind of disturbing thought that shut my libido down. We're they disturbing thoughts? Yes. We're they also arrousing and pleasurable? Yes. Was I scared and ashamed? Yes. I eventually noticed that I had trouble connecting with my male friends as I began to break down mentally and I couldn't admut to anyone what was going on because I myself was horrified, I felt like I was in a literal Hell. I always had trouble connecting with females and haven't had the best relationships with them but I have always wanted to have a intense romantic partnership with one-- but that was cut short by accidentally falling in love with your perceived vest friend because you thought he would make you popular. I used to be somewhat normal, but I've always had emotional problems and memory by issues. You could describe me as an over honey teenage, I watched straight porn since puberty with a fever, but I had been someone of a mildly feminine boy and I wasn't the most assertive, had a history of physical abuse and emotional abuse. Anyway, as things got worse, I began to feel more feminine like a woman and I then started to terrifyingly see women as my friend and had scary fantasies about taking to them about men. I would go back and forth from feeling "beat down" from these thoughts and my self esteem had gotten really bad. I am at the point where I have an overpowering desire to walk like a girl and talk like one as well, it especially comes out when im around more confident masculine men. I still can see myself being in love with a man and happy under the right circumstances but I am afraid of letting go and I feel like it's an all or nothing game. I want to fall in love with a girl again, I have before but I think it's over and I'm kinda depressed, I mean if I had my best friend still i might be happy still because I felt like I didn't need anything else. But not having him has left a hole in my that I don't want to fill with dick and I want to actually be intimate with females again. What the ###$ is my life, this has been going on for 10 years....????

I'm not sure where this belongs but I relate to HOCD... Keep in mind I may have BPD and or DID ... I definitely suffer crippling obsessions cuppled with disturbing emotional problems. So PTSD and sexual obsessions also relate.
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Re: Suffering for 10 years, HOCD?

Postby mc1 » Sat Sep 15, 2018 9:57 pm

I'm a 31 year old male that's suffered from HOCD since 2006 (aged 19) and OCD since roughly age 8. We're about the same age if my math serves me correctly (20+10=30). I advise that you see a mental health therapist as this site is designed to encourage folks, but not to offer medical advice.
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Re: Suffering for 10 years, HOCD?

Postby mrtrapped » Mon Sep 17, 2018 7:42 am

. I'm a 31 year old male that's suffered from HOCD since 2006 (aged 19) and OCD since roughly age 8. We're about the same age if my math serves me correctly (20+10=30). I advise that you see a mental health therapist as this site is designed to encourage folks, but not to offer medical advice.


How is treatment for you going? Any sort of progress or insight? I started to see a therapist but I think she is a little bit clueless on male issues.
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Re: Suffering for 10 years, HOCD?

Postby mc1 » Tue Sep 18, 2018 5:52 am

I haven't seen a therapist in a year. I've moved to a new city back January and haven't bothered to find a new therapist. I probably should though. My HOCD comes and goes, it's exacerbated due to my never having a girlfriend and when a nice looking guy interacts with me. However, it's not as bad as 2006-2008.
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