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I am CONSUMED with shame (Trigger Warning)

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I am CONSUMED with shame (Trigger Warning)

Postby acm » Thu Sep 13, 2018 8:10 pm

I have obsessions regarding children. What if I hurt a child? Could I do it? Am I capable of that? No, I don't want to do it. But why am I thinking about it?

For the past 30 years, I get freaked out every time I see a diaper change. It just disturbs me. I think about how easily anyone can hurt that child. It's possible I was exposed to something as a child that I shouldn't have seen or been a part of. Maybe that's why I get disturbed? I don't know. If it did happen it was when I was very young. Because I don't have any memory of sexual abuse.

Please note: I have NEVER been aroused by a child. I know what I like sexually (men). I know how arousal feels, and I've NEVER had that with kids.

Here is the thing I am ashamed of. Sometimes I get the thoughts and I worry so much about them and I want to solve this problem. About once a week I have gone online to youtube. There are a couple videos that show women changing diapers. During this time, the genitals are exposed. I will stare at these youtube videos for a few minutes. I try to show myself that I'm not aroused and it's not a big deal. It's true...I am NOT aroused. I feel as though I can "solve" this problem if I look at a naked baby for a few minutes and I see I am not aroused, then I won't have to worry about it again.

SPOILER ALERT: It doesn't work! I am so deeply ashamed of this. I feel like a horrible person. This is definitely the most shame and guilt I've felt about anything in my life.

I have NEVER abused a child and I don't want to. That is what's important. I remind myself of this everyday. I do not enjoy these thoughts. They give me no pleasure.

What do you think? I know I shouldn't look at those things. Am I a terrible person? I feel like complete scum! Why am I thinking about these things. ###$ you, OCD!
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Re: I am CONSUMED with shame (Trigger Warning)

Postby acm » Fri Sep 14, 2018 2:26 am

Please, can someone give me feedback?
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Re: I am CONSUMED with shame (Trigger Warning)

Postby Snaga » Fri Sep 14, 2018 3:13 pm

Stop checking. Checking is pointless and might cause the very 'sign' you're wanting to not find.

And I think you said something very insightful:

acm wrote: think about how easily anyone can hurt that child.


I think we often confuse the ease, or ability, to do something that fills us with dread, to doing the thing itself. I found myself doing that with my intrusive harm thoughts. It would be EASY... to point a gun and pull the trigger and kill. It doesn't follow that I want to, am going to, can't keep myself from doing it.

So I try not to let myself think how easy something would be.
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Re: I am CONSUMED with shame (Trigger Warning)

Postby acm » Sat Sep 15, 2018 8:29 pm

Thank you. I've sort of talked about it in therapy. But not all of it. I'm going to do that on my next appointment.
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