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HOCD/what is true

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HOCD/what is true

Postby ocdonce » Thu Sep 13, 2018 12:26 pm

Hello all,

I have been struggling with what I believe (as well as the 3 different therapist I've seen) OCD around sexual orientation.

A little background:

As far as I can remember, I've always been aroused, and fantasized about girls. However, I was a very shy guy and I have always been "plagued" with anxiety and OCD around the idea of purity (for me sex was impure). I had rituals centered around "decontamination" when people would touch me or touch my belongings. Needless to say this had made my relationship with women very difficult.
During my teen years, although I desired women, I was terrified at the idea of being intimate with them as I thought sex would change me for the worst. As I grew older, I started to become a little more confident but I was very anxious at the idea of dating but I was a bit awkard with women and didn't see any positive signs. The fact that I was still a virgin at 23 years old put me under more pressure as I was very ashamed of that and I was afraid to tell girls I was not experiences because I thought they would just reject me. So I was in a position where I didn't know how to act. Until one day, when I was 27, I finally managed to invite a girl for a date, and successfully started to date her.
The relationship was tumultuous as we were both immature but we had sex very frequently nonetheless and I was aroused just from holding her hands or looking at her.
When it ended, the OCD nightmare started and I keep doubting myself about my true sexual orientation. I've never felt aroused by guys, never wanted to be in a relationship with one. However, what's really troubling me is the following event: once I was hanging out with friends in a bar a few years ago and I think I had drunk quite a lot. I remember I found the barman very attractive, and I think I might have even felt a little attracted. I can't tell if it is due to alcohol or if my genuine attraction was then revealed. Till now such a thing has never happened while sober. However I can tell when a man really is attractive even though I don't feel anything sexual towards them.

My life today is a nightmare. I spend several hours every day reviewing my past, reviewing every interaction I've had with friends, stranger, etc. trying to deceal clues of denial. I even had a dream last night that told me "it takes time to accept who you are". I woke up in a very high state of anxiety and I can't focus at work. I can't tell anymore who I am and the more I try to know the more I'm confused. It is as if I'm realizing that I am not who I though I was and my attraction to girls was not real. It's making me very sad and I can't tell whether it's still OCD messing me up or the process of realization of not being straight. I know I should not think reassurance but I've spent the entire morning obsessing over it. Yesterday I was getting better and I was even laughing at the thought of being gay. Today I feel like I'm just in denial and I am on the verge of realizing it. This makes me so depressed because that would mean giving up girls which is not what I want.
What do you think guys?
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Re: HOCD/what is true

Postby Marc0113 » Fri Sep 14, 2018 4:02 pm


Since you said you've always had anxiety, it sounds to me that you've hit a stage in your life where anxiety has crept up on you and trying to take away the thing you love. Thats very common. Its happened to me as well, though I've been able to manage it. That moment where you were attracted to a guy was probably just admiring his appearance. I would be careful with drinking as it can increase your anxiety the very next morning.

Other than that you sound very much straight to me. Its just your inner demons trying to take your desire for women away even though it can't and never will. As long as you realise that it will make your life a million times easier, believe me. You aren't in denial. You are just having difficulties with anxiety. Good luck!
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