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Am I a pedophile? please help

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Am I a pedophile? please help

Postby idcidcidcidcidc » Wed Aug 15, 2018 10:21 pm

First off im sorry if this is the wrong place to post these kinds of things, i dont frequent forums and im having a hard time understanding how it works. Second im sorry if this is too long and it covers uncomfortable topics but i feel like i need to be detailed for people to understand me.

Im an 18 year old girl and ive never been in a relationship or had sex. My doubts started bc until not that long ago i used to read hentai/fanfiction that often featured relationships between children and adults, and also incestuous relationships. I didnt think it was wrong bc so many other people did it and had no doubts about their own morals bc they claimed they were just fantasies and didnt feel that way at all towards children irl. And for a long time i believed that too, though it did feel awful to get called a pedophille by a lot of people, but i figured they were just cartoons and writing and werent hurting anybody.

However one day i remembered this one time back when i used to frequent webcam sites where you basically had sexual videochats with strangers i came across a little girl who told me she was attracted to girls and her sister helped her masturbate or whatever and i dont remember what i said, probalby something along the lines of "as long as youre ok with it its fine" or whatever (which makes my head hurt just thinking about it). i cant really remember the full conversation and nothing really happened but the idea that i wouldve showed her my body if she had asked me to terrifies me. I cant remember how old i was at the time but maybe 15 or 16?
Theres also this one time when i was younger and i was basically in the same situation where i was about to take my shirt off for these two boys on webcam and then my mom came home so i didnt. Having a bad memory and not being able to recall these moments well just makes everything worse but i dont think i wanted them to show me something in return, just wanted them to see my body because i had extremely low self esteem and something about children admiring me or finding me attractive made me feel better.
I also remember not that long ago when i was reading these hentai comics about little boys and older women i think i wanted to see a dynamic like that in real life or something so i searched for older women and younger guy porn and watched one. again, nothing happened but the idea that i might have searched for it tryiing to find child pornography is absolutely terrifying and i think its almost as bad as if i'd actually done it. I dont know how but i dont think i realized the gravity of the situation back then.
Theres also this one time when i think, out of curiosity or whatever, i searched for bestiality porn between a woman and a dog bc id seen talk about it online and i also feel incredibly guilty. Im terrified i might have looked at it to see if i liked it.
I also remember one time i looked at my younger nieces butt (whos about 9-10). Ever since i started doubting whether im a pedophile/zoophile/attracted to my own family members ive had sexual thoughts about my mother or children. But its more like intrusive thoughts to torture myself. I also think i have a problem differenciating looking at something and seeing it in a sexual way.
I also think the fact that i used to strip on webcam and had sexual conversations with MUCH older men ever sinice i was like 12-13 might have something to do with this. I dont really remember it as something traumatic or whatever but it did expose me to a lot of stuff i probably wasnt ready for seeing at that age and made me think pedophillia wasnt that bad since those older men were technically seeing pedophillic content but i was ok with it so it was fine (it wasnt the mens fault of course, i lied about my age).
Theres also the fact that sometimes i tend to find very disturbing things arousing, like a while ago i got aroused by someone talking about how they had sex with their dog or fictional stories about someone sexually abusing their younger sibilings. However other times i find even implied rape in movies and stuff super unsettling to the point i get a headache or a stomachache trying to watch it. I cant explain why.
At one point i started thinking why things like pedophillia, zoophilia or incest are bad and that scares me, i dont ever want to be a person who things those kinds of things are right. even if i did end up having those kinds of immoral sexual attractions i would NEVER force myself onto anyone.

I know reading this probably made so many people disgusted at me and i cant blame you. I didnt even remember doing these things until maybe two months ago where it all came rushing back and i felt so bad i started shaking and couldnt eat or sleep. I still think about it every day. Im falling into patterns like taking 3 hour long naps so the day can go faster and i dont have to think about it. Ill be starting therapy and talking about this to a professional but id appreciate it so so much if someone took the time to read this and tell me their thoughts as an outsider.
I desperately want to be a good person more than anything and have normal young adult problems. I wish i could just forget everything or just not having done any of that in the first place.

Thank you to anyone that took the time to read this far and im sorry if this is too over the place, its hard for me to put this into words.
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Re: Am I a pedophile? please help

Postby Snaga » Thu Aug 16, 2018 4:30 am

Oh my goodness, you're not a disgusting person. That's my firm opinion.

I've moved your post to a more appropriate forum. This isn't to say you have OCD, but the OCD forum is full of people who have obsessive anxiety over sexual thoughts. You were in... completely the wrong forum, but that's easily fixed.

I always point to the Wikipedia entry on age-play; that it's not an indication of being a pedo, hebe, or ephebophile. Lots of people (and I mean lots, from what I've seen) get off on incest fantasy, age-play. And it's just fantasy. Doesn't make you a monster.

Ditto the critters. Doesn't mean you want to do it.

As long as you're not looking at illegal material; as long as you're not in real life attracted to minors- oh and you were a minor yourself for most all this, right? Okay then... oh and while we're on the subject of splitting hairs, while there's such a thing as jail bait, c'mon. It's absolutely unreasonable to expect an 18 year old to not have an attraction to someone just a couple years younger than them, because of an arbitrary line defining one as an 'adult'. We get a lot of people in this forum who get hung up on 'I'm 19 and I think a 16 year old is hot' Well, yeah, ofc you do...

I think once you talk to the therapist, they're going to likely tell you that you're not thinking thoughts that are that uncommon, or even horrible. When a person gets into an OCD style behaviour of obsessing over every thought and motive, we'll put so much more importance on thoughts, than they deserve. We think it; so we must want to do that, right? Even though we know we don't. So that makes me a horrible person because only a horrible person would want to do that, and if I'm thinking it, I must want to do it.....

And it spirals out of control into a downspin of anxiety, when there's no real evidence that you'd be any of those things you fear, ever. Fantasy is just fantasy. I fantasize about a lot of sexual things I'd never, ever want to happen. Some of them, I know my anxiety would jump on, so I stay away from them. Some of them, I do think I could develop a paraphilia for- but I refuse to worry over them, I limit those fantasies. Just for my own peace of mind. But I'm not going to let myself begin to obsess over them, because I know it could quickly get out of control and I'll be just like a lot of the users in this forum, overthinking everything.
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Re: Am I a pedophile? please help

Postby idcidcidcidcidc » Thu Aug 16, 2018 5:34 am

thank you thank you thank you. Im surprised i got such a quick reply let alone someone actually read this mess but an outsider telling me im not a bad person is such a relief and i appreciate you immensely. the only other person ive talked to this about is my mother and she also reassured me these thoughts werent uncommon and i was torturing myself too much but its hard to believe it when it comes from someone who would pretty much help me bury a body if i killed someone.
also im sorry about the wrong forum thing again, youre totally right i just had no idea where to post it and didnt want to put it on "all forums". And when i googled about this i also found out a lot of people who doubted if they were pedophiles had OCD. i dont like self diagnosing but i do identify with a few ocd symptoms and i have ever since i was a child, ill have to wait and see what a professional says.
i hope this isnt too weird but i cried a little when reading your reply. again, thank you so much.
(ps: i also have no idea how to reply to your comment and not just add a new comment to the post so i hope im doing this right)
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Re: Am I a pedophile? please help

Postby acm » Thu Aug 16, 2018 6:36 am

I'm dealing with something very similar. It's absolutely horrible. The intrusive thoughts come when I'm stressed and I'm stressed right now.

You ARE NOT alone. I am there with you. I related to 90% of what you said.

God Bless you,

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Re: Am I a pedophile? please help

Postby idcidcidcidcidc » Fri Aug 17, 2018 1:38 am

acm wrote:I'm dealing with something very similar. It's absolutely horrible. The intrusive thoughts come when I'm stressed and I'm stressed right now.

You ARE NOT alone. I am there with you. I related to 90% of what you said.

God Bless you,

acm


Thank you so much. These past few months have been a nightmare and i couldnt help but think that i cant imagine my friends or people i know having these kinds of disturbing thoughts, urges or doubts about themselves and theyre not normal. but finding people that have dealt with similar things and understand me and wont think i deserve death is a relief.
I truly hope it gets better for the both of us. again, thank you so much for reading and replying.

-- Thu Aug 16, 2018 10:41 pm --

Snaga wrote:Oh my goodness, you're not a disgusting person. That's my firm opinion.

I've moved your post to a more appropriate forum. This isn't to say you have OCD, but the OCD forum is full of people who have obsessive anxiety over sexual thoughts. You were in... completely the wrong forum, but that's easily fixed.

I always point to the Wikipedia entry on age-play; that it's not an indication of being a pedo, hebe, or ephebophile. Lots of people (and I mean lots, from what I've seen) get off on incest fantasy, age-play. And it's just fantasy. Doesn't make you a monster.

Ditto the critters. Doesn't mean you want to do it.

As long as you're not looking at illegal material; as long as you're not in real life attracted to minors- oh and you were a minor yourself for most all this, right? Okay then... oh and while we're on the subject of splitting hairs, while there's such a thing as jail bait, c'mon. It's absolutely unreasonable to expect an 18 year old to not have an attraction to someone just a couple years younger than them, because of an arbitrary line defining one as an 'adult'. We get a lot of people in this forum who get hung up on 'I'm 19 and I think a 16 year old is hot' Well, yeah, ofc you do...

I think once you talk to the therapist, they're going to likely tell you that you're not thinking thoughts that are that uncommon, or even horrible. When a person gets into an OCD style behaviour of obsessing over every thought and motive, we'll put so much more importance on thoughts, than they deserve. We think it; so we must want to do that, right? Even though we know we don't. So that makes me a horrible person because only a horrible person would want to do that, and if I'm thinking it, I must want to do it.....

And it spirals out of control into a downspin of anxiety, when there's no real evidence that you'd be any of those things you fear, ever. Fantasy is just fantasy. I fantasize about a lot of sexual things I'd never, ever want to happen. Some of them, I know my anxiety would jump on, so I stay away from them. Some of them, I do think I could develop a paraphilia for- but I refuse to worry over them, I limit those fantasies. Just for my own peace of mind. But I'm not going to let myself begin to obsess over them, because I know it could quickly get out of control and I'll be just like a lot of the users in this forum, overthinking everything.


thank you thank you thank you. Im surprised i got such a quick reply let alone someone actually read this mess but an outsider telling me im not a bad person is such a relief and i appreciate you immensely. the only other person ive talked to this about is my mother and she also reassured me these thoughts werent uncommon and i was torturing myself too much but its hard to believe it when it comes from someone who would pretty much help me bury a body if i killed someone.
also im sorry about the wrong forum thing again, youre totally right i just had no idea where to post it and didnt want to put it on "all forums". And when i googled about this i also found out a lot of people who doubted if they were pedophiles had OCD. i dont like self diagnosing but i do identify with a few ocd symptoms and i have ever since i was a child, ill have to wait and see what a professional says.
i hope this isnt too weird but i cried a little when reading your reply. again, thank you so much.
(ps: sorry, reposting because im pretty sure this is how i was supposed to reply and i messed up with my other comment)
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