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New POCD obsessions

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New POCD obsessions

Postby mindfulocd » Sun Aug 12, 2018 5:06 pm

Hi all,

I'm 23 and I've been suffering from OCD for the past 15 years. 2 months agoI began to experience POCD themed OCD, brought on after a sudden and traumatic change in medicine. It was easily the worst experience of my life (constant panic attacks, suicidal ideation etc...). I am continuing to decrease my meds as I no-longer trust the infinite wisdom of 5 minute psychiatrists. It has been kind of manageable using mindfulness and ERP.

I've recently been dealing with obsessions/compulsions related to determining what causes my sexual arousal. I went through a period where I refused to watch porn because I was afraid that I wouldn't be attracted to adult females. Though of course, after working through this fear, the obsession/compulsion switched, and I felt that I had to watch porn to prove that I was attracted to adult females. I think this dillema occurred last night when I was watching a youtube unboxing video and I saw a related video in the sidebar that had a picture of a young girl (probably 10-11) in the thumbnail. I felt the need to click on the video to see if I was attracted to her or not. She was wearing makeup and I think/thought that maybe I felt attracted towards her. I felt a small desire to watch porn, but I was unsure if it was because of seeing the young girl or because of my compulsion to prove that I was attracted to adult women. I was in a mental pickle. I felt terrible and decided to move on and watch something else. I watched an unrelated video with a very attractive adult woman who I know I was aroused by and then decided to watch porn.

After pleasuring myself, I started worrying that maybe my desire to watch porn was secretly because of seeing the video of the young girl, who I may have had a slight attraction towards and this morning I was engaging in compulsive mental reviewing of images of the young girl, trying to see if I think/thought I was attracted to her in any way. I then decided to do some more research on POCD vs pedophilia (terrible idea btw), and encountered an article discussing pedophilic disorder. It said that people with pedophilic disorder can be attracted to kids as well as adults, and many of the symptoms looked very similar to POCD (https://medium.com/@marlenlecter/pedoph ... 061def4c9f). So now I am worrying that I could have pedophilic disorder and not POCD.

I am hesitant to post on this forum as I realize I am just seeking reassurance, which is just another compulsion in itself, but sometimes these mental struggles get to be too much. Lastly, how do I do ERP without turning that into a compulsion?
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