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In need of comfort and hope

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In need of comfort and hope

Postby Preservoir » Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:31 pm

I'm a 19 year old male who doesn't plan on living past 20. I've been suffering from sexual OCD for about 3 years. Right now, I feel like giving up and taking my life. I have no interest in anything anymore. My life goals and dreams no longer exist. I used to have hope, but now I have none, all because I tried to get help.

I continuously find the same type of assurance everywhere I look. It goes as follows: "All things sexual cause a sexual response in your body, regardless of the content." I find this more disturbing than the intrusive thoughts. I know who I am sexually, and I don't doubt my preferences. I just feel so betrayed by my body when I get intense sexual responses to intrusive thoughts. I had hope earlier that this was caused by anxiety, fear, and/or OCD, not something so inherent in people. I would check myself and I would usually pass, and I would feel so triumphant and hopeful. After hearing the "sexual relevancy" assurance repeatedly, I lost all hope. I just don't like this explanation at all. I check myself less frequently now because I just assume I will fail, and it hurts tremendously. I have no doubt in my mind that arousal nonconcordance exists and is a very real phenomenon, I just am deeply disturbed by this explanation. It doesn't put any blame on fear or OCD. It makes me lose whatever hope I had left. I cannot use this explanation as self-assurance, because whenever I try to use it as comfort, it just makes me feel even worse. It makes me feel powerless, so powerless. I would be better off if I hadn't heard about this.

This information isn't helping me recover, and it strongly convinces me to stop getting help and just give up and get the noose ready. I now cry nearly every night thinking about this harsh reality. It hurts more than the intrusive thoughts. The only thing I gathered from this explanation is that the OCD will not go away, nor will I recover. All I can think about is the amount of people all over the world who will develop sexual OCD because they felt a strong groinal response, because something "sexually relevant" gave them a strong sexual urge. It makes me think that people will give in more easily than I previously thought. Any other things I say to comfort myself just brings me to tears because I can't help but feel whatever I'm saying is not the truth.

The only comforting thing I can tell myself is that everyone has sexual OCD (which is too easy to doubt), and that is what causes the response. Is there anything anyone can think of or say to comfort me with this disturbing "sexual relevancy" explanation? Or are there any better, much less disturbing explanations? Any thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated. Thank you. May God bless everyone.
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Re: In need of comfort and hope

Postby mc1 » Sat Aug 11, 2018 8:59 pm

I've suffered HOCD since I was 19 and I'm 31 (male btw). It's a sad, confusing feeling when you don't feel yourself and your mind betrays you. You should seek help from a mental health professional that specializes in OCD. You should also consult a therapist if you are suicidal as soon as possible.

You are not alone but this site serves as a supplement or safe space and not a place for medical advice.
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