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(Tocd) I've been feeling weird these last few days.

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(Tocd) I've been feeling weird these last few days.

Postby AlwaysThinking » Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:08 am

I hate my voice, it's always been rather high whenever I hear it. When I was young I was usually bullied over it and everything. When I went through puberty I thought maybe this would be over and I'd be fine. It was definitely the case! Up until a few days ago.

Keep in mind this is just a drop in a bucket of water that makes up my anxious thoughts. Sometimes I'm fine, other times I'm just thinking about this stuff in regards to Gender and I just hate it. I look at everyone and picture them being trans for reasons I'm not too sure myself. Even when I do make a step in the right direction and forget about it, I end up seeing these "coming out" stories or assume them to be one whenever I'm on twitter. Those are stories for another time if I ever need to vent.

So back to my voice, once again I hate it, the highness of it, the sound, it just drives me crazy because it sounds like I've been on hormonal therapy and the like. I start imagining when I talk to my mom and friends about what it would be like to tell them I want to be a woman and I get a larger spike of anxiety. I think about when people refer to me as he and I don't get anxious about it, but rather by the idea that I could be offended and want to be addressed as something else. It's really frustrating because recently I've been ok to see the hair on my arms again, but it feels like if it's not one thing it's another! I just wish I could rip out whatever causes my anxiety and just move on with my life. God. It just feels like I'm forever going to be circling around this entire thought process until I give up and go through with whatever my thoughts want, or I just deal with it and suffer in silence. Both suck of course.
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