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Concerned and ashamed (POCD and masturbation)

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Concerned and ashamed (POCD and masturbation)

Postby jaxi » Thu Aug 09, 2018 9:41 am

To start off with, I’m new to these forums and I’m a 16 year old female. Lately, for the past few weeks, I’ve been getting intrusive thoughts and obsessions. They were mainly about violence, racism, paranoia, and even cannabilistic thoughts. Today, I started having intrusive sexual thoughts of children and I feel extremely ashamed and disgusted with myself and scared I may be a pedophile. I’ve gotten used to the intrusive thoughts that I feel worried I’m not in so much panic as I used to be. I’m not sure whether or not I have POCD or OCD in general.

Anyway, there was another thing I wanted to mention. Earlier today, I went to my little sister’s gymnastics, and at the moment I had been having racist intrusive thoughts and tried distracting myself from them. Somewhere along the time we spent there, I saw a little girl that I found very pretty and that’s what I believe sparked it. I was immediately disgusted and the “what if” thought of being attracted or even was nauseating. I had spent the rest of the time moving in and out of the place, trying to get my mind off of it but also making sure my mother wasn’t worried about my well being. Throughout the day I was having the thoughts and I was plagued with guilt and worried I could truly be a pedophile.

I had gotten aroused by something on social media completely disregarding children and decided to masturbate, though I was hesitant at first because of the thoughts I was having. In short, I did— I had only one intrusive thought of a child during it but I quickly dismissed it and only focused on the porn which was what got me off, but after I climaxed I felt overwhelmed and immensely ashamed and horribly disgusted in myself, I began crying and then I felt empty and numb, I felt like I deserved to die and to rot in hell. Reading about POCD and OCD has given me some closure that I am not the only one with these thoughts, however I still feel like scum and filthy. I feel like I should consult professional help for this, but my mother wouldn’t be fond of it. She’s a nurse but doesn’t deal with mental health. Still, she would expect me to tell her my issues but I’d rather not knowing her response would most likely be that I’m just being ridiculous. What should I do? :? :( :|
jaxi
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