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I don’t understand my thoughts

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I don’t understand my thoughts

Postby Crybaby92 » Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:14 am

Hello, I’ve been dealing with tocd for a long time and for a while I’ve been better but I’m the l’asta couple days it came back. The thing is, I don’t feel like a woman at all (I am biologically male btw) and I never felt like I’m in the wrong body or that I should be female; I always felt and still feel like a man (that is why gender identities like gender fluid or agender don’t suit me) so I don’t get why I’m still bothered by this. My brain is worried that I might be trans and I’m distressed because of it, I don’t feel dread and anxiety because I can’t transition and stuff, I feel dread and anxiety because I feel like I will have to accept it and go through with it one day like I accepted the fact that I’m gay. What scares me the most is the fact that most people told me that if you question it you are indeed that thing but I don’t want it to be real, I don’t want to undergo surgery to look like a woman, I don’t want other people to see me as a woman. Vaginas disgust me and I don’t really like the female body in general so I don’t get why I’m so worried. Anyone has some advice?
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Re: I don’t understand my thoughts

Postby Snaga » Wed Jun 13, 2018 5:21 pm

Other than you're not trans, not a whole lot of advice. I mean, I can come up with some rational arguments why you're not trans- but you've said them all, yourself. Especially that this isn't like your experience at discovering you're gay. If something's a basic part of us, it doesn't matter whether we want it or not (I didn't want to be Bi), we're going to know we're that, and need that, anyway. You don't feel that for being a woman.

But OCD don't listen to rational arguments. It twists them, it puts them on their head, it comes up with excuse after excuse as to why they don't apply to you. I think you're going to have to out-stubborn that fear, sweetie. You have no indication of being trans; let's intellectually agree on that. You don't want it, don't want a woman's body, have no desire for it. Then why worry about the thoughts? I think you will have to refuse to worry about the thoughts, as a conscious decision, and remind those thoughts that you're not trans. What I have to do with intentional harm thoughts- I refuse to worry I will do them, if I do them I do not care until after I have done them, and I'm not going to do them anyway, so ###$ off. Eventually they became more manageable, and not as scary when I get them.
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Re: I don’t understand my thoughts

Postby Crybaby92 » Thu Jun 14, 2018 3:01 pm

Thanks I will try my best to do that but what I fear is that I’m just denying it all, when I was struggling with my sexuality I remember not wanting it at all and praying to be straight, with the trans thoughts it’s very similar but it isn’t like “oh my god what are my parents gonna say?” It’s more like “my life would be ruined”. I don’t look at women and envy them at all, it’s the exact opposite but I can’t shake the doubt out of my head nor I can get an answer
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