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Masturbated to Something Horrible! Feel Like I Need to Die

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Masturbated to Something Horrible! Feel Like I Need to Die

Postby FightingAgainstOCD » Mon Jun 11, 2018 7:21 pm

Okay so hi, I'm new here. I suffer from POCD, HOCD (harm. Although I did suffer from homosexual ocd briefly in my mid/late teens). I am also addicted to porn and have been for a great many years. *mod edit* I know it's a lengthy post but please read and respond guys cause this is causing me so much despair and I feel like I need to die for having done this.

Okay so I have had pocd since December last year. As of right now my pocd has gotten better and I no longer worry about it as much, however, there is one thing that I have done in the past (sometime last year, probably round about Autumn time I think. Before I even knew what pocd was) that is causing me a great deal of upset and distress.

From time to time I go back onto my high school's website, the reason for doing this has always been to go onto the online gallery and see if I can see any pics of the two very hot teachers that taught there (I left school 8 years ago, however I'm pretty sure they still teach there). Well, last year I was looking through the pictures and came across an album that was titled senior Xmas dance or something like that and it was just pictures of boys and girls in their suits and dresses etc. I masturbated to one or two pictures of the girls, however my abiding memory of it is that I didn't cum because I just wasn't finding it that much of a turn on (good sign?) and so I just clicked off. I wasn't suffering from pocd then and didn't give it another thought, however, I am now terrified that I have basically 'jerked off to pictures of kids', whether I ejaculated or not is besides the point :(

Now the album was titled senior xmas dance, in Scotland this means that the students would have been either fifth year's or sixth year's. Or so I thought, because after some research on the school's website and Twitter page, it turns out that senior's are classed as being fourth, fifth and sixth years know that in England you have year 12's and year 13's etc (if you're from anywhere outside the UK then this is probably highly confusing lol). Fourth years are between the ages of 14 and 15. Fifth years are between the ages of 15 and 16. And sixth years are between the ages of 16 and 18. The age of consent in the UK is 16, however, what if the students I 'looked at', were fifth years and potentially 15 years old? Or even worse, fourth years!!!

I am pretty sure I am not a P, but how can I live with myself knowing there's a possibility that I might have masturbated to 14/15 year old girls? I should also point out that I am a porn addict and so I am always looking for different things to masturbate to, due to the fact that regular porn doesn't stimulate me quite the same anymore. I am positive that I didn't cum and that I only really looked at one picture of four girls. I am absolutely filled with shame and embarrassment at this and I can't even begin to imagine what would happen if my friends or family ever found this out.

This is tearing me apart and I was in floods of tears on Saturday and genuinely felt that suicide was my only option :cry:

Please help me.
Last edited by Snaga on Tue Jun 12, 2018 4:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: name of another venue
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Re: Masturbated to Something Horrible! Feel Like I Need to Die

Postby Snaga » Tue Jun 12, 2018 5:13 am

One thing about OCD, we make so much more out of things, than they deserve. You don't sound given over to being especially attracted to underage girls, please try to just put this behind you and don't worry over it. Remind yourself you're not wanting underage girls.
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Re: Masturbated to Something Horrible! Feel Like I Need to Die

Postby FightingAgainstOCD » Tue Jun 12, 2018 8:39 am

Hi, thanks for your reply. I am really trying but it's just always there at the back of my mind. I want to know how I was able to do that at the time and not think there was anything wrong with it. This of course all happened before my pocd started so maybe I just didn't think much of it at the time and because a thought seniors were more than likely over 16 years of age a didn't think it was a bad thing to do.

The only saving grace I have is that I didn't ejaculate (I am 99% sure I didn't) and that after a 'few strokes', I realised that it wasn't doing anything for me so I moved on.
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Re: Masturbated to Something Horrible! Feel Like I Need to Die

Postby FightingAgainstOCD » Tue Jun 12, 2018 9:22 am

Also, should I maybe post this same thread in the Sexual section of the forum as well?

Sorry, I just want as much help as possible at this point :cry:
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Re: Masturbated to Something Horrible! Feel Like I Need to Die

Postby Snaga » Tue Jun 12, 2018 9:02 pm

From the outside, I wouldn't care if you'd cum or not. But I understand the distinction is important to you. Also from the outside, I don't think you did anything particularly evil. But I also know how important thoughts and intents are to us. Call it a dumb thing and move on. You're not a guy to go hitting on jailbait- leave it at that, live and learn. I mean I've fapped to possibly underage images before. I decided that was somewhere I didn't want to go, so I stopped. Just as you did. At no time have I been tempted to beat myself up over it, because I made sure I didn't do that again.

This thread will need to be a few months dormant before you could post the same thing again in another forum. We only allow one forum per topic, until a reasonable time has passed. And I don't know about sexual- I mean it's not been a habit, has it? Remorse would have been a good alternative to OCD (there is some overlap between a lot of the Remorse posters, and OCD style ruminating). But it's fine here, too.
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Re: Masturbated to Something Horrible! Feel Like I Need to Die

Postby FightingAgainstOCD » Thu Jun 14, 2018 2:31 pm

Thank you so much Snaga for your replies. Genuinely means a lot. And fair enough in regards to the whole not being able to post a topic in another forum for a few months.

I have moments were I feel okay about it but then there are other times were it is literally eating me alive. I am on a six month waiting list for CBT and have been since late January so I am really hoping my therapy starts soon so I can talk to a professional about all of this :cry:
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