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Hocd or denial more so an opinion than reassuring

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Hocd or denial more so an opinion than reassuring

Postby jbell777 » Sun May 13, 2018 9:15 pm

just need an honest opinion, no more beating around the bush. I can’t but help think it not my ocd or my head but my heart. I keep thinkn my heart what’s to be with a man like it would make it happy, I go to tinder and I matched with a guy earlier I didn’t wanna talk to him, but then I start reading bio liek I could like it idk tbh, I keep telling myself I’m gay im bi whatever, and sometimes it’s like I could enjoy the images. I asked my heart last night and it’s liek my heart spoke loud I put my hand on my chest and I said you wanna husband, you wanna boyfriend nothing, you wanna wife and a girlfriend and I just start crying my hearts makes like a big jump out of my chest, and also the other I just started balling out of the blue and all I was saying is I’m straight. And while typing this it’s as if I’m mad I’m straight. Like why have pushed this that much to where I hate myself to where I’ve made myself in denial of being straight?!? I’ve tried the masturbation thing and it’s obvious thinkn of a dude it don’t make me happy I hate myself, I don’t feel guilty I feel sad and down like I know it isn’t me. Then lately on dates it like I can’t emjoy being on a date like kissing certain girls don’t feel right anymore, like sometimes I don’t liek how the boobs feel or even the other, but I admit I’m not a fan of girls with big chest, but I’ve also been in love to where I wanted to marry a couple of girls. My main focus ain’t society but sometimes I think bout it but if tell my mom I’m gay and happy bout it I always regret it right after or later. And I tell my mom and I try to put a smile on my face but all that’s there is a disgusted look. And then I keep going back to a night at a party, and it’s the dude didn’t even really kiss me he tried to kiss my arm and after it was over with there was like a sigh of relief liek it wasn’t that bad I guess, but I also couldn’t take my eyes off this girl, and I’ve had a dude kiss me before on the face and I wanted to punch the dude, that I truly felt. And after typing this it’s like I’m some ways I know I’m gay but shaking my head no your not. The gay porn still find it disturbing at most parts too i look at pictures they don’t excite me. I look girls I get happy and I smile typing thst and also get an erection. Maybe my heart still in love with my ex and it don’t wanna rush in to a relationship, but sometimes I think maybe I could be happy with a guy but question it as I type it. Now before this stuff started have I had urges to do things to a man and the answer is no, and still is with it I mean obviously I didn’t want to talk to that guy I mean right there I breathe I side of relief, maybe I’m trying to force being gay or even bi at that point, all im asking for is honest opinion but rn I truly believe I’m gay and just can’t accept it and on those dating sites I don’t wanna talk to the dude but it’s like For a second in my head i go I’m gay or he’s cute and it’s like anxiety calms down a little bit but I don’t really wanna do it at least I think I don’t, idk man if it’s ocd anymore or I just can’t accept who I am now idk who I am anymore I’ve had this for three years I can truly say I’m tired and I can’t
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Re: Hocd or denial more so an opinion than reassuring

Postby jbell777 » Sun May 13, 2018 10:11 pm

I’ve just been all day bc of this stuff and going to the gay sites the gay porn I just hate it
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Re: Hocd or denial more so an opinion than reassuring

Postby jbell777 » Wed May 16, 2018 3:46 am

I reached my end, if really sorry for wasting everyone time I just don’t believe I’m straight anymore. I put my hand over my heart and now it’s as if my heart moved on from women I can feel a smirk to saying I’m gay and more so sad when I say I’m straight, I can’t keep this up I really believe I’m in denial. And in this case it wasn’t ocd thank you too everyone who’s helped me along the way
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Re: Hocd or denial more so an opinion than reassuring

Postby jbell777 » Wed May 16, 2018 12:40 pm

I really don’t know anymore maybe it still ocd
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Re: Hocd or denial more so an opinion than reassuring

Postby PsychologicalTwist » Wed May 16, 2018 2:55 pm

Maybe you're bi and too depressed to enjoy encounters with females and males?
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Re: Hocd or denial more so an opinion than reassuring

Postby jbell777 » Thu May 17, 2018 3:28 am

I’ve thought that but the honest truth trying to imagine a future being with a guy just makes me sad but thinking of a girl makes me happy, and I deleted like my tinder so I quit testing myself to see if I’m attracted to guys. See I got my tinder to talk to girls and I went on a date with one from it and honestly best time in awhile but then one day my head goes you wanna talk to a guy and I kept saying I don’t and don’t and don’t so I finally gave my anxiety was ruining me I Gave in but I was looking at the pictures and seeing if I was attracted then it went to you wanna talk to them so I matched with one and I just started crying why, and tried a gay dating site it wasn’t making me happy like a dude messaged and I didn’t like it I didn’t respond, but my head said he’s cute or something and it’s likw my head puts a smirk on my face but I just ask why, but one night I was laying down and my heart just started crying out saying I wanna wife a family and all this too stop and I want my straight life back none of this was forced that just happened
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Re: Hocd or denial more so an opinion than reassuring

Postby jbell777 » Thu May 17, 2018 1:05 pm

There’s also a couple of guys on here I asked that are homosexual and they’ve even said it sounds like I’m brainwashing myself bc of my ocd and that I sound nowhere close to gay or even bi which makes sense considering I find gay porn disturbing maybe it’s still my ocd bc I still obsess
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Re: Hocd or denial more so an opinion than reassuring

Postby jbell777 » Fri May 18, 2018 4:29 am

Hey everyone I wanted to tell y’all something, first thanks for everyone’s help but I learned today all this stuff has been ocd and anxiety tied together and even depression. I learned with ocd and especially hocd we tend to force things even when we don’t realize it. You see I’ve had ocd all my life and yes it’s a living hell but you know it ain’t real what I mean all the stuff it says or has us do it ain’t real. I love always loved women and honestly there’s no doubt after today. You see I went to see a girl after work bc we haven’t seen each other in a couple of weeks and. On the way to see her I had butterflies, excitement and you know I was even thinking sexual thoughts but they were straight they’re are what turned me on got me happy, and when I saw her everything felt right again the touching kissing, we even did somethings and guess what I loved it I didn’t need an image to help me finish. I love women and even in masturbation I saw that I had to force a dude down my throat bc my head made me believe it’s what I wanted but everytime if I made myself imagine a dude it ruin my day or night and cry and feel disgusted with myself. Also I never found gay porn exciting or hot and I never even got turned on by it. And I learned that the dating site stuff was my ocd why bc it made me think it what I could want but I knew I didn’t and everytime I try to logon those sites my heart sink or hurt or I start crying why. I also had time where my heart cries out during this with hurt just saying it wants it’s straight life again or that it wants a wife and family and typing that I’ve never felt such happiness. Now I know I’m not fully recovered or even close but God my parents and people on here have really helped and I thank them for that so remember you’re not gay or bi, or if you are a gay person or bi person suffering with this remember you’re still gay or even bi I’m gonna try my best to get back to myself and hopefully today was the first of many happy days again and I hope everyone with ocd will recover thank you
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