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New here, HOCD? (Graphic) My story.

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New here, HOCD? (Graphic) My story.

Postby Maxman » Sun Apr 29, 2018 6:06 pm

Hey, so I’ve dealt with this for what feels like forever. I’m 30 years old now and really just ready to quit - I don’t really get why this is still an issue. When I was a small kid I expirimented with other kids, boys and girls - I’m a man. The experimenting with boys started after this neighbor kid who was a bit older than me started like trying sexual things on me. Anyway this sexual experimentation stuff lasted a year or so 9-10 ish - I got teased about it at school. Never really got it. My mom at this point thought I was developing a lisp and freaked out about that as well. Fast forward to 13 years old or so - I start having these intrusive images of every male person I see nude - like it just flashes into my mind. Causes me a lot of distress - at no point were these images enjoyable but they concerned me greatly. Then I was fine till I was like 16 where in I had a mental break due to drug use and then thought I was in denial about being gay and became obsessed with that idea for like a year - then that went away and I was good for awhile - till about 19 when I had my first serious girlfriend - about 6 months into it the sex started to become a chore and I began to think maybe I was gay again - which is when I discovered the concept of HOCD. At this point I was also struggling with alcoholism - but I related to a lot of the HOCD stuff cos whenever I had these episodes of worrying about my sexuality it would often switch from worries about being gay, to being a pedophile, to being a serial killer to being transgender etc. for some reason the gay thing was always the most prevalent though. So about a year into this relationship - unable to deal with the insecurity anymore I forced myself to hook up with a guy. He gave me a bj and I gave him one for about 10 seconds - it was not pleasant - any of it. I got sober soon after that as the experience was a bit traumatic for me - I told everyone I knew I did it as well. I stayed with that first gf for another year then broke up with her - about a year into being. Single this insecurity flared up again - I forced myself to hook up with a guy again, cuz I thought maybe I didn’t enjoy that last time coz I was drunk. So I did the same thing, it was very freaky for me and I was extremely uncomfortable the whole time - but I did orgasm through masturbating. For some reason I didn’t come out of that thinking I was gay - the obsession about it went away once I started dating this new girl who I was with for about 4 years. I just told everyone I was bisexual just so I didn’t feel the pressure to label myself as it caused a lot anxiety. But the fear of it went away for a while. Then I broke up with her and about two years after this has come back, and it was mild until I recently hooked up with this girl and it freaked me the hell out - I’m not sure why. But I’ve been full on back in this mode of freaking out about being gay and at this point I’m so over it - if I’m gay I just want to be gay. Anyway I have several things that cause me to believe I’m gay currently and am wondering if anyone relates: 1. I like blowjob porn - I like other types as well but BJ porn has definitely been a constant - I always watch it with women in it but I don’t know if that’s been a way for my mind to get around the gay part of it. I also “feel” like I may be the woman when watching any intimate scenes, porn or otherwise between men and women. 2. I have like a constant nagging anxiety that I’m not sure has ever gone away - could be that I’m living a lie. 3. I have trouble sleeping with one girl for extended lengths of time and still being sexually attracted to her past a few years, I mean I am but not as frequently. Like I don’t know if I could be sexually attracted to a woman if were Married for 25 years. 4. I feel when I made out with guys I had like more of a “tingly” sensation in my lips? Even though it was uncomfortable. 5. I feel these urges to like grab guys genitals that are next to me - I don’t know if they're real or what but they’re very distressing. 6. I have this anxiety like this tightness in my chest that feels like it can only be alleviated by putting a penis in my mouth (sorry) which I do not want to do but it feels like I have to and I’m just denying myself what I really want or something - deep down. It’s gotten to the point that this causes me distress 24/7 and ill like scratch my tongue in an attempt to get rid of it. 7. I don’t feel the same way about eating girls out, I don’t feel any compulsion to do it. 8. This has been an issue for so long and considering my past it’s a possibility I’m gay. So yeah that’s about all of it. Currently. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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