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I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. (TOCD)

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I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. (TOCD)

Postby sickofbeinginvalid » Sun Nov 12, 2017 12:56 am

I really can’t do this anymore. I am so sorry if this seems really selfish that I keep making these threads, but I cannot handle these thoughts anymore. I’ve been losing sleep, and feeling completely depressed. It got so bad that I was even in impatient for a week because I was having suicidal thoughts. I can’t stop obsessing over whether I am trans or not. The thing is, I can relate to some things that some people say on the TOCD threads, but I am a gay male who wears makeup and does very feminine things so it’s making me feel as though I am trans. I can’t even tell myself that I’m cis, it’s almost as if I feel that I have to atleast say that I am genderqueer or something and I don’t know if that’s OCD or if it’s because I really am trans. When I think about transitioning, I don’t get excited. The idea of having boobs and a vagina doesn’t make me feel euphoric. The idea of having female pronouns doesn’t make me euphoric either. But I have also read on other forums that trans people aren’t always euphoric about these things. I hate this so much. I never questioned my gender before and now all I can do is just obsess. And I don’t even have periods where I am happy anymore so that makes me think that this is definitely because I am trans. But I don’t have a desire to be trans so it makes no sense. I’m just so ######6 confused and I hate this so much. As horrible as this sounds I envy the people who I see clearly have OCD. But it’s getting to the point where I don’t even believe it’s ocd. I can’t stand this, I feel so trapped.
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Re: I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. (TOCD)

Postby sickofbeinginvalid » Fri Nov 24, 2017 6:45 pm

Someone please reach out. This is getting overwhelming and I just keep getting more and more angry, depressed, hopeless, and lost by all of this. Will I ever get better? Do I need to transition to be happy? I feel like if I was truly trans then I would know the answer to be yes, but I don’t think that is the answer for me. I don’t have a clear desire to be or present female. I want to be feminine, not a female. I want to be how I was before; a homosexual male who didn’t question their gender before. I’ve lost hope. I’ve seen posts by people like freshguy on these forums who originally came to OCD forums about a fear of being trans but then saying that they realized that they are trans after all. Every time I see somethimg about trans people I get triggered and I spike. I don’t want to be trans, I just want to be how I was before. And if I had a choice between death and transitioning into a woman I would choose death. I don’t want to ######6 be a woman.
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Re: I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. (TOCD)

Postby obscureocd » Fri Nov 24, 2017 9:13 pm

Hello,

I am someone who had extreme OCD in the past for 5 years and although i do not know exactly how you feel I can relate as it was living hell. With that said, I can say from personal experience that you CAN get back to normal but the way to do it is the opposite of what your brain wants which is constant reassurance.

Getting reassurance that you are not trans on this forum will not help you as you will have to come back time and time again much like someone who is unable to lift a weight so they ask another to lift it for them but when the time comes to lift the weight again they cannot because they have not trained enough to do so. Training the brain to be able to lift the weight of OCD spikes is the way to get over it. Facing the fear directly will strengthen you to be able to lift this weight. Slowly exposing yourself to the fear is what needs to be done even if it is barely at all at first. Exposure Response Prevention or ERP for short will help you to gain the strength to deal with these spikes. I wish I could link to some articles on this site that helped me but I believe that is against the rules.

Best of Luck,
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Re: I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. (TOCD)

Postby Snaga » Sat Nov 25, 2017 2:46 am

If it's a scholarly link it should be okay, online magazines, etc. Links to other forums or sites that are selling counseling or self-help services would be a no-no, however.

Sometimes I will tell folks outright that.. especially with this sexual stuff, at some point, you're gonna have to DECIDE you're not Trans, or Homosexual, or a Pedophile. I'm Bisexual. I can't change that. But then, I don't have OCD over it, I don't doubt it. It is there. But when it's OCD... I do think it's very much of a matter of deciding that you're not. That's your story, you stick to it. I have harm OCD- it's a lot better, when I decided I hadn't hurt (killed, actually) anyone, and that I wasn't going to somehow do something I didn't want to do as if something else was moving my body. I decided not to do anything to reassure myself, such as hiding things that could be used as weapons, not being around them, etc. Made a lot of difference, especially just deciding that no no no I'm not doing that. It bothers me a lot less now and it's more easily dealt with, when I get the thoughts telling me I'd hurt someone.

But yeah- reassurance is like cotton candy- it tastes sweet, but it's not going to do more than give you a sugar rush and you'll still be hungry after. You have to have more than reassurance. If you wanted to be trans... you'd know. You'd know. I want to want to be trans, if that makes sense- I'm nonbinary enough that I'd really rather have a body belonging to the opposite sex... but not enough to go thru transition. So I feel a tiny bit of what someone who is really, really trans feels. And I don't get that vibe. But I can tell you you're not trans all day long- but in the end, you have to tell yourself you don't want to be a woman, end of story, and those thoughts can screw themselves.
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Re: I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. (TOCD)

Postby obscureocd » Sun Nov 26, 2017 1:29 am

Thanks Snaga, I'll keep that in mind when posting links.
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Re: I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. (TOCD)

Postby Crybaby92 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 2:14 pm

Hey I’ve been going through the same thing for basically half a year now and I can tell you that I understand how you feel. The feeling of hopelessness and uncertainty are dooming, you feel like it’s something that is imposed on you by someone else, you don’t feel like yourself anymore, it feels like you’ve lost who you were. I get all that because I’m living it too. I’m a gay guy and I’m not that feminine either but I don’t mind make up or that kind of “girls stuff” and I never questioned my gender identity before this ocd thing started (which was out of nowhere one night idk if it’s the same for you). Now actually I’ve been feeling really bad because my brain always puts me in front of the question “what if you are trans?” And it’s terrifying me so much i can’t even explain it. I just feel like it’s something that I’m doomed to be and that I have no escape, I just have to accep this reality that I don’t want. As an advice please seek help, professional help, not reassurance on forums bc it will only make it worse. Don’t be like me and reach out, I’m so scared of doing it because I feel like they will tell me it’s not ocd.
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Re: I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. (TOCD)

Postby esmccue » Tue Dec 19, 2017 10:54 pm

Hey there,
I've struggled with the same things that you have in the past. I am a lesbian who flips from masculine to feminine presentations quite often, and it took me a while to get comfortable with the fact that gender expression is an ever changing aspect of life for some people. It doesn't have to be scary, but it took me some time to figure myself out and realize that it is actually a very beautiful aspect of my identity. To talk about the OCD part of your struggle, I can assure you that the obsessive thoughts about it are absolutely OCD. Trans people do have intense gender dysphoria but it's not a sudden onset of obsession and panic, it's more of a consistent feeling of discomfort within your body that ebbs and flows throughout life. Whether you are trans or not isn't going to be the answer to alleviate your obsessions, but getting to know yourself and realizing that the fact that you have the ability to feel comfortable as a feminine male is a wonderful thing and will be very liberating to give you a sense of peace, I can assure you. In the end, time let's us figure things out and you don't have to be certain of your identity any time soon because there is no time-limit to discovering things about yourself. I know that gender therapy is a good option for many people with the same thoughts as you but I'm not sure about the logistics of it. Maybe look it up and see if it seems like the right fit for you. In the meantime, don't fret your gender identity. Take it one day at a time to see what makes you feel most comfortable in your own skin. And always remember, it's perfectly okay to not feel okay. It's all a part of life. Good luck and don't hesitate to send me a message!
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Re: I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. (TOCD)

Postby jdd » Wed Dec 20, 2017 1:18 am

I understand that you mean well, but, encouraging people to try things out while they have obsessions isn't really the way to go. For OCD is not actually an identity problem. Ultimately it's their own personal decision as to what they are, nobody else can choose or decide for them.

Even still, it's not like the labels and concepts of gender identity are fully understood ideologies, they are work in progress and could even be wrong for that matter. Question everything.
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Re: I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. (TOCD)

Postby esmccue » Wed Dec 20, 2017 6:57 am

Absolutely. I guess that's what I meant in a way. I just don't think the obsessions have to be as terrifying as we make them out to be. In the end, we give power to our obsessions and we need to realize that's all that they are. There's no need to fret about them!
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Re: I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. (TOCD)

Postby sickofbeinginvalid » Thu Dec 21, 2017 12:25 am

Ugh, I am getting stressed out over it again. I read somewhere online that a lot of people with GID have abandonment issues and separation anxiety. I have both, and I do have a history of trauma and abuse along with a borderline diagnosis, but I’m scared these issues are due to being trans.
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