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OCD, or am I incest/pedophile/hebephile?

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OCD, or am I incest/pedophile/hebephile?

Postby Musicman23 » Fri Jul 07, 2017 12:45 am

I don't know how to describe how I feel, or what is true or what is wrong, or what is just OCD doubt.
I've been dealing with OCD since I was a kid. I used to rehearse lines in my head and out loud too of "I love God, but I hate the devil" but then it would come back at me "I hate God but I love the devil" several different times throughout the years. I didn't realize it was OCD until it tackled new subjects recently and has nearly caused me a mental breakdown. (ROCD, HOCD, POCD, etc.)

Right now, my mind is fixated on 2 things. The worry that I am incest, and the worry that I'm a pedophile/hebephile. The reasons why?

Well first, I should say that I've been hypersexual for YEARS. For as early as I can remember. But especially since I was 13 onwards, and discovered porn. I watched porn on and off for years until this year when I stopped. Anyhow, over the years I've objectified nearly every woman I've came into contact with. Not every one, but near every one. When I was younger, I caught myself objectifying/ogling my aunt. It gave me massive anxiety at the time, and as I type this now it gives me anxiety. It happened to another aunt one time too and it gave me anxiety. As well as when I was 16, (I'm 20 now) my younger sister was laying on the bed a few different days and I originally started punching her in the butt just because it was funny, but then I found myself liking it. I'm not sure that it was my actually liking her butt, or me comparing it to things I've watched in porn where they do that. I think back on that, and I can't stop obsessing over it. Over the years, I just kind of forgot about it, but when I seen her the other day (after not seeing her for months), I got major anxiety thinking about that. I also got thoughts of "oh wow she's grown" (referring to her chest area) and it tortures me. I don't want these thoughts. I can't tell if I feel legitimate arousal to those thoughts or not. All I know is that I don't want them. I've also objectified younger teen girls who are developing, but not just them. I pretty much objectify ALL women. I can't tell if I feel legitimate attraction for younger girls (youngest being probably 13-14) or if it's just the sex addicted part of my mind causing me to ogle and be attracted. It's torture. I feel like a monster.

Ever since recently, I cannot stop obsessing over these thoughts. It's interfering with my every day life. It tortures me. I didn't start obsessing about this until recently. That's what makes me think it's OCD. But then I think.. "what if this is just suppressed feelings and this is really how I feel?" It's an endless cycle of pain. Where before I was looking forward to my life with my girlfriend (hopefully soon to be wife, if I come out of this), now I'm afraid to have children for fear of being attracted to them. I feel like a freak. I find myself getting turned on sometimes at incest fantasy stories but I'm not sure if it's because I am that way myself, or if it's just because it's sexual. Also, when I think about those things I did in the past, I feel anxiety, and it's the same for when I think about if I ever did something sexually with family now. I would NEVER. I don't want these thoughts.
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Re: OCD, or am I incest/pedophile/hebephile?

Postby passingthrough2 » Sat Jul 15, 2017 11:10 pm

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a form of OCD called "Pure O". What you described sounds like an almost textbook case of it. You might Google for more information.

The most important thing to know is that these intrusive thoughts DO NOT represent who you are inside. Most guys are pretty sexual, and that's normal; it's biology. The problem is that this type of OCD gets so intertwined with typical experiences that you can't see straight. "Pure O" can take on various forms, from incest/pedophilia type (very common) to a fear of hurting/killing people, etc. I've dealt with another type since I was 16, and I didn't even know it had a name until about a year ago.

I hurt for you because I know how painful it is. Just please remember the above, and know that you are not alone. I've read of a few techniques that can be helpful in dealing with it, and some are pretty effective. I would be happy to share them if you're interested.

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Re: OCD, or am I incest/pedophile/hebephile?

Postby Anonymous8476 » Mon Jun 21, 2021 8:08 pm

Passingthrough2 are those techniques still available ?
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