Please read/help! HOCD, I'm actualy gay :(

Hello, this might get long, but please I realy need help, so if you can give me anything please do!

I'm 18 years old male, and this all started 6 months ago when my friend (who also suffers from OCD) told me about his problems with HOCD, before that I was not obsessing about this topic at all, but I have quite abit of history with OCD and it started showing when i was 10 years old with washing hands after everything I touched, I was opening doors with elbows etc. I also had some other obsessions like cursing over my mother in my head and than afterwards I had to tell her what I was thinking, once I thought im in love with my mother (but this was diffrent then it is now, by alot) this was happening when I had other problems with fear of school and I was depressed for about 2 years at that time, was also going to psychiatrist, and was taking 50mg of Zoloft/Asentra.

So anyway, to describe my current situation, I realy feel like I'm not the same as any other HOCD sufferer, I realy (and I know how this sounds) but realy do think I'm gay/bi.

Before all this I was always having sexual thoughts about girls, never guys, I was from very young age (8) searching for nude girls in magazines, and mastrubated to this material. I considered myself streight, but I even had gay experiances (when I was around 10 I often mastrubated with my friends to streight porn, once we even tried some gay act, but we did it dressed and i took it very seriusly, and my friend didn't, he was just loughing at it, but i don't take this as a proof of me being gay) I also remember that I always liked watching attractive men, but I did not think sexualy about them, tho now thinking back Im quite sure some were attracting me sexualy in the past also (just never gave it much thought maybe, so that's why I still thought I was streight ) I basicly didn't thought im gay, and when friends or someone called me "gay" as an insult I never realy took it personaly or thought that's what I actualy am.

Now to current situation:
So soon after my friend told me that he has HOCD I also started obsessing with this exact topic, I was imagining men in my head and monitored arusal. I still do this now, I often check how aroused I am to some of this thought. Now my MAIN problem and this is what I think is actual proof and there realy isn't much debate around it is that some men actualy are arousing me, at first I felt anxiety after I got aroused to men but now I don't feel it anymore, I actualy can enjoy the thoughts. In school some guys are arousing me constantly, almost every time I look at them I get some arusal, and if i look at them for some time I get more, I start getting horny and actualy em aroused. This is what puts me from the rest of HOCD sufferers I'm realy sexualy attracted to some men, and if i think about them, see picture about them I can get aroused . This arusal isn't groinal response, I actualy get aroused and I actualy em sexualy attracted to them. There is absolute no hope for me not being gay, and I'm very sad this is my life and that I'm the one that's gay. I still try to seek reassurance, but honestly I don't know why... Maybe this when you read it sounds like HOCD and indeed I actualy em obsessed and have OCD about this topic, but I'm on top of that actualy gay/bi . I realy realy do get aroused when thinking of some of men and it isn's just a feeling and it absolutly isn't coused by anxiety since i don't have it. I often get precum thinking about some men, and real arousal (most of the time not full erections, but I get semi boners constantly when looking at some men that I'm sexualy attracted to, and alot of time more than that ... Just typing this and thinking about some of this men I get some arusal. I realy em a hopeless case, and i realy will have to accept being gay . I don't run away from attractive men and I'm not afraid of attraction,I even look at them... im just afraid that I'm gay/bi i guess.

If anyone can give me any type of response or anything please do ! I know I'm gay now since all this and this realy is happening every day and is constant, maybe I just need to accept it ? I feel like there is just no escape, and well, there is no. I get constantly aroused when thinking about some of men, but I still seek reassurance and ask my mother or my friend if they think im gay, but that realy dosn't matter. I ACTUALY EM ATTRACTED TO SOME OF THE AND I'M GETTING AROUSED FROM IT! OBVIUSLY I'M GAY AND I KNOW IT

DAMMIT THIS REALY ****** EVERYTHING KINDA, even if I enjoy thinking about some of them, getting aroused by it and everything I DON'T WANT TO BE GAY BUT I AM.

ps: I'm going to psychiatrist and im on 75mg of Asentra but raising it to 100mg since it can't hurt, but it also can't solve anything.

Please can someone reply to this ?

Hello!

Your text sounds exactly like other texts I've read from people with sexual obsessions. It sounds pretty much like OCD.
First, I don't think arousal is a proof for anything. I've read so many posts of people with sexuality related OCD and so many of them experienced actual arousal. I can't tell you why it happens. To me, it seems like the more you are thinking about arousal occuring in a specific situation or as a reaction to a thought, the more likely it is that you will experience arousal.
Besides that it's normal that straight people are able to be aroused by gay thoughts and gay people are aroused by straight thoughts. There are so many straight people who watch and enjoy gay porn and that doesn't mean they're gay. There are also studies showing that a lot of women can be aroused when seeing monkeys having sex. They aren't secretly attracted to animals but they see something sexual and their body reacts. It's normal.

I agree with the comment above. Honestly I don't want to shut down your thoughts if you TRULY think you're gay and want to be with men, but regardless I think you should try therapy. If you are gay, if you're straight, whatever you are, therapy will help your thoughts not be so clouded by confusion and obsessions and you can determine what you truly enjoy. Because it seems to me like you definitely are having obsessions and compulsions about this. You can't figure out your sexuality with OCD clouding your thoughts, it's just not practical. I have HOCD as well and there are days where I've been freaking out almost 100% believing I'm a lesbian, and then days where I feel totally straight, and days where I think I might be bisexual. So clearly I cannot come to a conclusion with this OCD and neither can you. I mean to me the fact that you've never been attracted/aroused by guys before this says a lot. Because that's when you weren't having OCD thoughts, and were acting just on what you desired and naturally wanted. That's girls. And even if you can be aroused by gay thoughts or guys it really does not mean much at this time in your life because you are going through sexuality related OCD which really confuses you and can make you feel and think things that confuse you. So you are overthinking a lot about sex and gay things which in turn can cause arousal when you feel like you shouldn't be aroused. And in addition to this sexual arousal and anxiety are extremely similar feelings so sometimes you may be feeling anxious and be aroused because of the anxiety. If you had liked guys and only been interested in them in the past however, I would think differently. But because you are definitely showing clear signs of OCD i would suggest nonetheless, not to figure out your true sexuality yet, but to learn to cope with this OCD, to start seeing an OCD specialist who understands. It helps a lot and you will learn to control these thoughts and behaviors. Wishing you the best

-- Sun Mar 19, 2017 7:17 pm --

I agree with the comment above. Honestly I don't want to shut down your thoughts if you TRULY think you're gay and want to be with men, but regardless I think you should try therapy. If you are gay, if you're straight, whatever you are, therapy will help your thoughts not be so clouded by confusion and obsessions and you can determine what you truly enjoy. Because it seems to me like you definitely are having obsessions and compulsions about this. You can't figure out your sexuality with OCD clouding your thoughts, it's just not practical. I have HOCD as well and there are days where I've been freaking out almost 100% believing I'm a lesbian, and then days where I feel totally straight, and days where I think I might be bisexual. So clearly I cannot come to a conclusion with this OCD and neither can you. I mean to me the fact that you've never been attracted/aroused by guys before this says a lot. Because that's when you weren't having OCD thoughts, and were acting just on what you desired and naturally wanted. That's girls. And even if you can be aroused by gay thoughts or guys it really does not mean much at this time in your life because you are going through sexuality related OCD which really confuses you and can make you feel and think things that confuse you. So you are overthinking a lot about sex and gay things which in turn can cause arousal when you feel like you shouldn't be aroused. And in addition to this sexual arousal and anxiety are extremely similar feelings so sometimes you may be feeling anxious and be aroused because of the anxiety. If you had liked guys and only been interested in them in the past however, I would think differently. But because you are definitely showing clear signs of OCD i would suggest nonetheless, not to figure out your true sexuality yet, but to learn to cope with this OCD, to start seeing an OCD specialist who understands. It helps a lot and you will learn to control these thoughts and behaviors. Wishing you the best

-- Sun Mar 19, 2017 7:17 pm --

I agree with the comment above. Honestly I don't want to shut down your thoughts if you TRULY think you're gay and want to be with men, but regardless I think you should try therapy. If you are gay, if you're straight, whatever you are, therapy will help your thoughts not be so clouded by confusion and obsessions and you can determine what you truly enjoy. Because it seems to me like you definitely are having obsessions and compulsions about this. You can't figure out your sexuality with OCD clouding your thoughts, it's just not practical. I have HOCD as well and there are days where I've been freaking out almost 100% believing I'm a lesbian, and then days where I feel totally straight, and days where I think I might be bisexual. So clearly I cannot come to a conclusion with this OCD and neither can you. I mean to me the fact that you've never been attracted/aroused by guys before this says a lot. Because that's when you weren't having OCD thoughts, and were acting just on what you desired and naturally wanted. That's girls. And even if you can be aroused by gay thoughts or guys it really does not mean much at this time in your life because you are going through sexuality related OCD which really confuses you and can make you feel and think things that confuse you. So you are overthinking a lot about sex and gay things which in turn can cause arousal when you feel like you shouldn't be aroused. And in addition to this sexual arousal and anxiety are extremely similar feelings so sometimes you may be feeling anxious and be aroused because of the anxiety. If you had liked guys and only been interested in them in the past however, I would think differently. But because you are definitely showing clear signs of OCD i would suggest nonetheless, not to figure out your true sexuality yet, but to learn to cope with this OCD, to start seeing an OCD specialist who understands. It helps a lot and you will learn to control these thoughts and behaviors. Wishing you the best