***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Now you're sounding OCD again.....

If you THINK you had crushes on girls, I'm willing to bet you had crushes on girls. Second-guessing yourself always winds up in wondering what's real, or not. At least, that's what it does for me.

As far as OT, you know, there's always relationships-> sexuality forum for topics of an exploratory nature.

Now, while my OCD has influenced (translations: ###$ up) my brain on dealing with my own sexuality, I've never been the classical model of HOCD. Because I'm not entirely straight. I'm straighter than I often think of myself, ON ACCOUNT OF the OCD messing with me... but I've never had HOCD. I've rarely 'crushed' on a guy the way I do on girls. And never to the same degree. So I'd think well, if you have no desire to be with dudes, and you have probably (don't listen to the OCD) crushed on girls, you basically like girls. The way it sounds atm, you are OCDing. You also sound as if you might have some Love-Shy traits...? I have some, but not all, Love Shy traits. For one thing, I do have genuine same-sex desires. But stil... I was a late bloomer too, at your age I'd barely dated, myself.

So throw love-shyness on top of OCD and I can easily see you imagining and questioning everything. I know I did. I'm still trying to pin myself down to a definitive label. Right now I'm what I would call heteroflexible, based on real-world behavior.

And I don't have to say this, cause it's been said 100 times here, but you seem to want 100% certainty, and you're not going to get it. If for no other reason (and here Otter might throw me out and have me demodded) Some experts think the chances of anyone being 100% straight, or 100% gay, is very slim. In the right circumstances, we all might take a walk on the wild side. So to the OCD mind, that's torture. MIND you...... most ppl are close enough to one side or the other of the spectrum, as makes no difference. And their non-OCD minds don't glom onto the small degree of bisexuality inherent in most of humanity. But when you're OCD.....

Here is my 2 cents on various topics over the last couple of pages of comments...

*** Regarding the concept of off-topic... If someone has OCD issues (whether they are diagnosed or not diagnosed) posting here is fine, even if it isn't exactly on-topic for OCD. This thread was meant to give the members of this forum a place to talk about how they are feeling (in general or specific). The process of living with OCD is day-to-day, and it affects various aspects of our life, as does our life affect our OCD.

When we make suggestions about discussing things in other forums, it is just a helpful reminder that there are other places to expand on issues you may have - ones that people in OCD may not be able to address. But this thread is fine for most anything that has to do with how you are feeling.

*** As Snaga alluded to various issues (sexual concerns, social concerns, etc) are going to overlap and help fuel aspects of OCD, or the other way around.

*** jdd - a few responses to this:

jdd wrote:I just truly seem different from the rest of the posters though.

My memory of my past has always been #######5 sorta, and been worse yet since though some stuff vaguely comes through but leads to thinking gay.
Pretty sure most people here still say they know what they are attracted to.
Lacking in sexual/relationship dreams. In fact I find it difficult to fantasize at all day dreaming just simply doesn't work for me if anything.
And also pretty sure most people here say they still get turned on by opposite sex easily when not anxious and I'm not sure if I can. I don't have anyone that I am close with and randoms don't seem to get me going physically; never dated (26) trying to though but not for purposes of finding out or sex. This to me doesn't seem possible to be OCD or caused by porn especially since I did not use the not-so-straight porn for years on end. But I've questioned literally everything I can remember pretty much in the last 7 or so months, tried confessing to myself and mom doesn't help just creates dread and unhappiness and more anxiety and sometimes panic attacks.

I don't think you are that different than the other posts here. Reading the above one gets the feeling that you have an assortment of issues working against you, like general anxiety, social anxiety, depression and perhaps self esteem issues. The combination of these things would explain the parts of your post (social anxiety and self esteem could affect not dating, general anxiety could cause panic attacks/OCD-like behavior, and depression could cause a lack of sexual arousal in almost all instances).

As Snaga discussed it's not good looking for absolute answers. You said,

I would like to be certain of where I stand

Barring any other things you might be able to discuss, it seems like this is anxiety and depression talking. Sexual confusion is not necessarily confusion about one's sexual identity. Unless there is something you are not telling us, that is DIRECTLY RELATED to real life experience (not concepts derived from fear and doubt), you don't seem Gay to me.

Your mind is a complex place (as it is for everyone). Try to stop forcing it to be one thing. This is why therapy is so important. They can take these complexities and separate the issue, and attend to the underlying issues that may seem to you to be something more defined, like "are you Gay?"

I feel bad for you because it truly sounds like you are steeped in depression and anxiety.

Otter.

Good article on love-shyness, some of that does apply to me it seems. But that does not disqualify anything else from being.

I don't know what there is or isn't to tell except things that were from childhood that have been mentioned in the past which you and most people will say doesn't mean squat. Examples?
I'm not entirely sure I have social anxiety as that was something therapist said I probably didn't have at one point. Talking casually also does not seem to be an issue for me as I got out of high school; but I feel less like I relate.

I have 2 appointments scheduled at the U's program for this stuff next month but going there is a bit of a scary thought still right now.

never dated (26) trying to though but not for purposes of finding out or sex. This to me doesn't seem possible to be OCD

Do you have an idea why you haven't dated? Generally speaking, OCD wont stop someone from dating that long. Also, are you saying that your therapist is working at a University? Are they just a counselor/ social worker?

I thought I was always too shy around girls or didn't know how to act or say anything. And the one time I did ask someone out (the crush I mentioned at 18) I was rejected. Otherwise no I really don't, what else might there be?. Which would be the definition of lacking of interest. But I also have always been more into computers and possibly porn and stuff and being at home?

My therapist whom I haven't seen in months is a trained psychologist and supposedly has OCD specialty but never really got to the point where she was helping me OR able to have regular weekly treatment sessions due to availability. And the University program is for Sexual health (It is not actually on the campus) and they were aware of OCD relating to orientation issues but I'm not 100% positive IF the person I will be seeing there has OCD training at all.

There's a few girls I've been talking with online & texting that I like quite a bit but one is unavailable due to extreme distance for the time being which will probably turn into friends only and the other is still too early to tell if she'll say yes to a date or anything yet.

jdd wrote:I thought I was always too shy around girls or didn't know how to act or say anything. And the one time I did ask someone out (the crush I mentioned at 18) I was rejected. Otherwise no I really don't, what else might there be?. Which would be the definition of lacking of interest. But I also have always been more into computers and possibly porn and stuff and being at home?

Not knowing what else it might be, is not knowing what else it might be, not lacking interest. Although I do think it is something to explore with your therapist.

Will be difficult to get many answers with my memory not being very clear these days.

The love-shyness trait article snaga mentioned is relevant to the question you asked though possibly. Or fear of intimacy?

Anyways, I'm off to work now so good day to both of you. Thanks for the support and input.

I guess there has always been the feeling of not being good enough. Which ties into self esteem and possibly has been building for years.

Plus, what girl wants someone who is very small down there plus no experience.

Well.....

It's complex.

Makes you feel better, I didn't lose my cherry (that I know of) until about idk. 38?

Never dated much. Too shy, self-image issues, anxiety, etc etc etc. That's to do with women. I might have swung the other way, mostly just for sex' sake, but my natural paranoia, desire to conform, and fear of catching something (came to age right when ppl started getting a mystery 'gay' disease) kinda put the ixnay on that. So... Yeah. Some of us is late bloomers.

Oh me. I won't ask you to define small but it's more what you do with it, I think is the general agreement. There's someone for everyone and there's a girl out there who is not going to have a problem. Besides as long as you pay attention to what she likes and where.... Far as I can tell, you know how to use a tongue, you'll be all right mijo. Been told that was my best talent. Peepee size isn't everything.