***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Strictly speaking no but could have been considered quite a bit more gay than normal. I only tried to test actual gay porn after this started but couldn't get erect (though groinal response) and didn't want to attempt to MB to it.

jdd wrote:Strictly speaking no but could have been considered quite a bit more gay than normal. I only tried to test actual gay porn after this started but couldn't get erect (though groinal response) and didn't want to attempt to MB to it.

I'm sure you know by now jdd (after reading threads here), that testing (checking) like that, doesn't do any good and can make things worse. Lots and lots of straight people watch gay porn. Sexual acts generally arouse people.

I know, and it did back when I tried that.

Ok, just wanted to make sure.

It'd be nice to not have this feeling though I would like to be certain of where I stand and have it not be polar opposite from what I originally thought I was.

I just truly seem different from the rest of the posters though.

My memory of my past has always been #######5 sorta, and been worse yet since though some stuff vaguely comes through but leads to thinking gay.
Pretty sure most people here still say they know what they are attracted to.
Lacking in sexual/relationship dreams. In fact I find it difficult to fantasize at all day dreaming just simply doesn't work for me if anything.
And also pretty sure most people here say they still get turned on by opposite sex easily when not anxious and I'm not sure if I can. I don't have anyone that I am close with and randoms don't seem to get me going physically; never dated (26) trying to though but not for purposes of finding out or sex. This to me doesn't seem possible to be OCD or caused by porn especially since I did not use the not-so-straight porn for years on end. But I've questioned literally everything I can remember pretty much in the last 7 or so months, tried confessing to myself and mom doesn't help just creates dread and unhappiness and more anxiety and sometimes panic attacks.

Yea... I'm not sure I feel like doing this. But I agree it is a bit OT for _this_ thread. Just how I feel right now

And when I mean fantasizing at all I don't mean about people or sex. I mean anything. I couldn't picture a beach or a lake if I wanted to.

As far as being on topic (feeling today/lately). Bad because my biggest fear is that I just went through puberty and life not knowing or realizing any clue that I wasn't what I thought.

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I have no desire to be with dudes but seems real-ish. Can't tell my attractions or what they are anymore. Can't tell if responses are arousal or OCD related. I thought my first crush was on a girl in the first grade and the some more in middle school and maybe 1 or 2 in high school but I was generally afraid to talk to girls mostly whom were not related and not guys. And after that my biggest crush was on a girl at work when I was 18 or so. But maybe that wasn't even a crush or I don't even know what a crush is because of not feeling one in quite a while OR just not recognizing I have been having crushes on guys without knowing it.

(Sorry I'll try to refrain from going OT now but it is always on my mind)