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***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Wed Aug 04, 2021 12:01 pm

Generic form of Strattera. I’m hoping it will help with my attention issues.

I just got an overwhelming feeling just now. Feeling like I like the intrusive thoughts. I don’t even remember what brought it on but I feel so blegh. It feels so weird and not good and I don’t know what to do. I just know it was something that I’m pretty sure I’ve never thought I’ve liked before. I don’t remember what it was but it doesn’t matter. I felt it and I didn’t like it and I’m scared.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Wed Aug 04, 2021 4:32 pm

Well it doesn't sound as if you much enjoy the thoughts, if it's bothering you that much. So there's that.

If we're going to talk about sex, there's thoughts that I know I could enjoy if I let myself. But they're a little Out There, so I don't. I do try to live somewhat acc'd to the Non Aggression Principle. I don't obsess too much over it, either- thoughts that aren't put into actions are meaningless to me. They have to be- otherwise you find yourself fall into the trap of just thinking you're a monster all the time- when your actions don't bear it out. I mean, I get all sorts of random thoughts I don't care for, especially to do with harm OCD themes. If there's a violent thought I genuinely am not bothered by- and I get them- then yes, I know I like it. Don't act on it of course. Just wryly observe that it's only intrusive, if I am bothered by it.
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Thu Aug 05, 2021 2:20 am

I sometimes get these sensations that the thoughts are familiar, like I’ve thought them before, and I really don’t like that feeling. But these sensations only started popping up in the last few weeks. When the spike first started, it was nonexistent. Usually I think that whatever I’ve said at the beginning of the spike is the closest to the truth, because I wasn’t as muddled by doubt. Well I mean I WAS, but I mean like in the sense that not everything had been scrutinized and checked until it didn’t reassure me anymore like it all is now. If that makes sense.

And when I’m playing video games, these will pop up in certain spots in the game when they never used to before. Usually in places where there’s not a lot going on. I hate it. It makes playing the game difficult and it makes me feel sick.

I really don’t think I like the thoughts, but OCD has made it increasingly hard to tell. And also tries to tell me that I’m lying. I know what true lying feels like. I’ve done it enough over the years (only to keep my butt out of trouble in a difficult and volatile situation, and even then it’s difficult for me to lie. Like in the sense that I feel guilty before I’ve even said the lie) to know what it feels like. And like I’ve said in the past. I know what true arousal feels like, and what true attraction feels like. This ain’t it, chief.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Fri Aug 06, 2021 3:59 am

AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Fri Aug 06, 2021 7:06 am

It feels like these thought are just my default now. It was NEVER like this before. Ever. I never had these “feelings” before. EVER. I really don’t like it. It makes me uncomfortable. I wish I didn’t exist.

If I see a black and white manga i get flashbacks to those damn shota comics and I hate that. I never would get that before. I can’t look at anime characters if any kind because of my stupid OCD goblin brain. It conjure up an awful thought/“memory” and then a “feeling” like “you liked that” “you secretly like that/want to do that to an underage person” but I’ve NEVER EVER HAD THAT DESIRE BEFORE. IVE NEVER HAD ANY OF THIS BEFORE. And I think I still don’t want it. Hard telling what’s real and what’s just the OCD talking.

I just feel so lost and confused. This thing has beat me down so much. I really do know it wasn’t like this before. But the OCD always makes it come back.

Also doesn’t help that I’m very tired but I’m afraid to go to sleep again :(
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Fri Aug 06, 2021 6:46 pm

Maybe I'm just an old perv, but to me there can be a difference between fantasy and reality. Meaning I can fantasize something, or look at something, and that doesn't mean I want to do it in the real world. Either because it's too immoral, or because I simply don't want to in the real world.

There are some taboo things I could fantasize to, or look at- but I choose not to, for... well maybe a little OCD fear of growing to want it in the real world. I could look at shota or loli, but I choose not to. If I happen to, however, I don't think I'm automatically a monster. You're not a monster. We have to ground ourselves in reality, and that should be defined as what you live and do:

Artninja1995 wrote: I’ve NEVER EVER HAD THAT DESIRE BEFORE. IVE NEVER HAD ANY OF THIS BEFORE. And I think I still don’t want it.


THAT is what defines reality. Not that you looked at some shota. This isn't a CP addiction. You have harmed no one. That's the reality- you've harmed no one.

I didn't get better with my harm OCD by ruminating on how monstrous I am to have harm thoughts. I got better with them, reminding myself that I've never acted on them, nor wish to. They're just thoughts- and thoughts can't make me do something I don't want to do- and I'll worry about doing it, when I've done it, and not before. I have other forms of harm OCD that I still struggle greatly with and I'm tempted to start working on them, too: "no I won't jump over that railing, or push anyone off it". I know if I don't, I'll stay afraid of balconies. I'll have to make myself 'not care', if I want to get over it.
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Kaleb28 » Sat Aug 07, 2021 6:31 am

I have a strong emotional attachment to my past and letting go of it is pretty hard and scary I feel a sense of calmness which feels pretty good and I don't like it
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Sat Aug 07, 2021 4:15 pm

Kaleb28 wrote:I have a strong emotional attachment to my past and letting go of it is pretty hard and scary I feel a sense of calmness which feels pretty good and I don't like it


But didn't you come here to get calm? Isn't that why there's anxiety forums in PF? To overcome anxiety?

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Don't fall for that. You want to be calm.
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Tell someone today you love them, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Kaleb28 » Sat Aug 07, 2021 4:29 pm

I think the thing im struggling with is my preconceived idea of what I want my calm state to be which is what I was three to nine months ago if that makes sense and I still have the thoughts and feelings I've had for the past three to nine months but I'm just calm and content.
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Sat Aug 07, 2021 4:41 pm

I don't know a gentle way to put this- but from what I've read, and my own life, OCD don't go away. We're stuck with it. You either learn to disregard the intrusive thoughts/feelings, or you are going to keep yourself miserable. My harm OCD merely sleeps- it hasn't gone anywhere. I still get harm thoughts. I've just learned to not let them bother me as much. And I have to be very firm with myself- if I let them bother me just a little bit, then I run the risk of undoing the gains I've made.

You're pining for something you can't have. I hate to say it- and please someone, prove me wrong- but to my experience, we can't turn the clock back. OCD is managed, not eradicated.

So you either have calm in the here and now, and enjoy those moments of calm- I do, because I know my calm will not last- or you seek some unrealistic standard of perfection, when the clock can't be turned back to achieve it. And set yourself up to be miserable. Judge yourself by your actions, not your thoughts, and learn to be content with that. When we do that, the thoughts grow lesser in power and frequency- but I find they don't go away.
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Tell someone today you love them, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

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