Our partner

***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: Snaga

Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Kaleb28 » Wed Jul 21, 2021 7:32 pm

Depressed, miserable and hopeless I want to go to a therapist who specializes in CBT/ERP therapy but I don't know if my parents will pay for it. I've made the mistake of going onto a sexuality forum on a website called empty closets I read there "stages of coming out" section and and got depressed it practically describes me in there first "stage" anyway it's just made me hopeless and depressed I've really tried to stop these useless (hopefully) compulsions but it's so hard I don't have the discipline, hopefully something good will come out of it, I was watering my garden earlier and I just wanted to be done and over with it. I hate this I just want my old self, I don't know what I want, I just want to talk about this subject forever and ever (as I clearly have done in a four page thread I've created sadly) I can't enjoy any entertainment medium that I used to enjoy without being bummed out I don't get panick/anxiety attacks I just go "oh well that sucks" anyway I've gotten off topic i stop my useless rambling thank you for reading anyway.
Kaleb28
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 115
Joined: Mon Apr 26, 2021 12:23 am
Local time: Sun Sep 26, 2021 8:35 pm
Blog: View Blog (32)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Kaleb28 » Thu Jul 22, 2021 9:22 pm

Should I not post in this everyday, I'm not sure. I'm still feeling stressed I'm not sure if I should post this in this forum or another one but the sexuality forum doesn't have this... Thread? Anyway I'm feeling stressed I think I'm starting to be content with finding men attractive I just hope that I'll find women as attractive as I once did I think I kind of want a man though I'm not sure because the stress and anxiety isn't going away and I kinda don't want it to I can always ignore it and just be with a woman who knows this is really hard and I don't want to go on to the empty closets forum and ask because it makes me feel depressed and like damn this sucks


Anyway am I positng to much? This is a question for the moderators if I am just say so and I'll keep my post limited to my blog to the best of my ability thank you
Kaleb28
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 115
Joined: Mon Apr 26, 2021 12:23 am
Local time: Sun Sep 26, 2021 8:35 pm
Blog: View Blog (32)

Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Fri Jul 23, 2021 1:36 pm

**lots of trigger warnings, and I'm playing a little fast and loose with the ban on political speech- but some things need to be said I think because I believe they are relevant to HOCD/POCD/TOCD and that we can't begin to understand sexual/gender OCD themes without taking the current zeitgeist into account**

Kaleb28 wrote:Anyway am I positng to much? This is a question for the moderators if I am just say so and I'll keep my post limited to my blog to the best of my ability thank you


It's a daily feeling thread, that's what it's here for.

No, I wouldn't suggest going to an LGBTQ forum, not for someone with obsessional fears.

When I have (in the past before it was settled in my mind) been questioning about sexuality, I never went to websites, etc with an attitude of fear of being that. Nor was it to 'check', the way it's meant here in OCD. It wasn't for reassurance that I wasn't LGBT. It was because I was- am- drawn to it.

That's not to say I didn't fight it- but it don't matter how much you fight it- if you ARE that, you are that, and you'll be drawn to it, your sexual self will want that.

But then, when the internet was still in the future, I was already going and buying gay/bi magazines. Nervous about it, yes- scared, yes- but not in terror of the idea and not... just not the same as people usually seem to express in this forum. And this was a long time ago, there was a lot more shame associated with being Not Straight.

Not that it's perfect now, but it's a heck of a lot easier. Heck, sometimes I think being LGBTQ has become a bit of a fad- certainly it adds to a person's Woke score. There's never been a better time to be LGBT in the Western world. Considering it feels rather faddish lately to be LGBTQLSMFTABCDEFMDPhDASPCA, when a young person presents here with obsessional fears over being Gay, I tend to think they're not. I may struggle with my bisexuality, but I never lay awake at night thinking my life was over, or that I needed to just kill myself because I couldn't be straight. Two things frequently expressed here in the OCD forum. I also never questioned that I liked girls- I just struggled with also wanting dick, to be perfectly blunt about it- and wanting it bad.

If you're in your teens, or just out of them, you've had Gay Gay Gay hammered at you your whole life. Didn't use to be that way, but it is now. We just got past Pride month right?

Image

And that's why I have a hard, hard time accepting that someone who exhibits OCD symptoms is gay if they're presenting with HOCD. It's literally never been easier to be Gay. So why would someone really gay be so darned upset about it, unless they come from a really religious background? And that is increasingly not the case.

On the other hand, because media and corporations seem to feel the need to shove Gay down everyone's throat... I think that just sets young people (I'm approaching 60 so anyone under 30 is 'young people') up, when said young person has a tendency to obsess (and OCD aside, what teenager doesn't obsess? it's a Right of Passage).

You started thinking about this around 14 if I recall, yes? At that age, you're still trying to figure yourself out and you're going to have all sorts of sexual thoughts and you experiment with different ideas, fantasies, and- if you're lucky (or at least it felt that way at the time), someone to harmlessly experiment with... but it's the 21st Century- now everywhere you turn GAY!!! is being screamed at you. Sometimes it feels like Gay Gay everything is Gay- and that's coming from someone who is part of the LGBT alphabet soup. Even I get tired of hearing about it. .You can't be OCD about something, if you're not exposed to a concept. I can't obsess over having say, MS- which I sometimes do- if I never knew about Multiple Sclerosis. And if, while growing up and as a young adult, if I'd been exposed to a public insistence on everyone having (or being tolerant of?) MS at every turn, I'd probably have begun an obsession over having MS a long time ago, you know? Because I'm OCD. I obsess. That's what I do.

Add to that, the free availability of porn now. How many of y'all begin looking at sexually explicit images at the ages of... 10? 11? thinking you have to sexually respond to those things because that's what adults do? I didn't even know what masturbation was, when I was 10. Exposed to adult concepts far too early, when your minds aren't yet wired to deal with them. For me at 10 and 11, porn was pilfered magazines looked at secretly and not so often. I think that has a lot to do with the current state of sexual OCD obsessions, as well.

I didn't need companies or social media (social media didn't exist in the late 70s) to tell me I was fascinated with penises, nor did porn seen only stick the thought in my head. I just was fascinated- even before I had a pederast try to groom me, I was already doing some very gay things in private. I feel as if we're at an awkward stage, where being Gay has lost a lot (but not by any means all) of the shame associated with it, while at the same time, it's still not just treated like okay what consenting adults do in the bedroom is irrelevant and Nobody's Business. It's still 'different'- and probably always will be because in the end only 10-15% of guys are Gay. But on the other hand, it's the thing to virtue signal about. And don't get me wrong, I really, really want it to just be.. invisible. A big 'So What?' if someone's Not Straight. But with the current zeitgeist being Rainbow This and Rainbow That, I think that, combined with Gay is still 'different', sets up the perfect storm for someone with a tendency to obsess in an OCD fashion. How can it not happen?

It's my understanding HOCD is a relatively new thing. I don't know if it's because we have the internet and are able to anonymously talk about it- or because as there's more virtue signaling about LGBT, it plants that seed of doubt in younger peoples' minds. I think both, I really do. Y'all are exposed to things from an early age that I never conceived of until adulthood. And you're not going to develop unhealthy obsessions over things like homosexuality or pedophilila, or transgenderism? I'm surprised more people under the age of oh I don't know- 25? don't obsess over it.
Image

Tell someone today you love them, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 18231
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Sun Sep 26, 2021 11:35 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Kaleb28 » Tue Jul 27, 2021 3:10 am

I'm feeling ok today I still don't like doing anything and by that I mean do anything physical l, I also don't like listening to music because it makes me feel less stressed kind of which in turn makes me more stress, or maybe it's a different kind of stress? Who knows. For whatever reason I get kind of sort of offended when a person says they don't like gays (weather ironically or not) like it would personally affect me me. I don't know it's just depressing and I get a sort of reassurance in me anxiety which is part of the reason I don't read ocd post or look up ocd in something like the DSM because I'm afraid the symptoms of ocd and what I have aren't going to match up so I just don't look at it, who knows ocd probably has all sorts of feelings you can get
Kaleb28
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 115
Joined: Mon Apr 26, 2021 12:23 am
Local time: Sun Sep 26, 2021 8:35 pm
Blog: View Blog (32)

Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Tue Aug 03, 2021 5:40 am

I get that, I really do. I used to have HOCD (people are calling it SOOCD now so it doesn’t get confused with harm ocd I guess) problems. I still don’t have that aspect entirely figured out yet. One thing that has helped me is knowing that sexuality is a spectrum and it can fluctuate. And that it’s definitely possible to get turned on by the same sex and still be straight. I at least know that I am not 100% straight, nor am I 100% bi. And I at least know I’m not a lesbian. I would say I’m between straight and bi but more towards straight, so I just say I’m straight to make it easier.

Ugh I still feel awful. It’s just so hard for me to sit with the thoughts and let them pass, because I’m afraid I’m gonna get caught in a thought and it turns into some kind of sick fantasy. I’m still terrified that I’ll learn that I like the thoughts, and it certainly feels like that sometimes, which makes me feel even worse. I know I never had these thoughts before, but my brain is making it seem like I always have when I know that’s not true. It’s trying to make a liar out of me when I know I’m not lying. Or at least I’m pretty sure I’m not. It’s hard to tell sometimes when your brain is constantly screaming these terrible things at you. I just feel sick and horrible. I know I’ve only fantasized about sex with men my age or older. I always pictured them somewhat buff and hairy and taller than me. My mind was almost always in the gutter and I loved it. I know that made me happy, not whatever crap it’s trying to convince me with now. I would read countless stories/fanfiction that had sex scenes in them (and they were all of age, never had any urges or desires to look for otherwise). Now anything that has to do with sex repulses me because my brain will conjure up something having to do with minors and children, or try to insert them into any inappropriate thought/scenario. I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I had a strong maternal instinct, and the only fantasies I did have that involved kids would be having some of my own and being the best mother I could possibly be, and now it’s like that’s just gone. I don’t even want to be around my own niece, when I was super excited and happy to be an aunt before all this happened.

I often catch myself testing myself. Sometimes I’ll think up something just to see how I’ll react to it, and then immediately regret doing it because I know that thought will now stick around for a while. I hate the feelings these thought give me. I feel disgusting. I feel like an abomination. I never used to feel that way before. I know I never had these “urges” before. I know in the past I would never do something like that , and part of me thinks “how do you know you still wouldn’t do something like that”.
I wish I wouldn’t have these thoughts. I wonder if I’ll ever be okay again.

Often times I would pray to have these thoughts taken away and to go back to being how I used to be. Sometimes I would wish on any stars I see. Sometimes I’d send my wish through an online wishing well. And sometimes I will check the sky to se if it’s “impossibly blue” or whatever.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
Artninja1995
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 465
Joined: Thu Feb 05, 2015 2:00 pm
Local time: Sun Sep 26, 2021 11:35 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Tue Aug 03, 2021 2:29 pm

Artninja1995 wrote:One thing that has helped me is knowing that sexuality is a spectrum and it can fluctuate. And that it’s definitely possible to get turned on by the same sex and still be straight.


I personally believe that human sexuality is so complex, that very few people could be thought of as being absolutely 100% Straight. However, I do believe that for the majority of people, it's so close that for all practical purposes, they can be called Straight. And significantly LGBTQ+ still remains under 10% of the population.

Of course, OCD doesn't like that. You can be 99% straight but you know, you got that obsession, you're going to pick that one percent apart. OCD wants a gazillion percent certainty.

As far as fluctuating, I'm working like mad to find the references I've cited in the past (with no luck thus far)- males appear to be quite inflexible in their orientation along the spectrum, based on direct experimentation that I've read about. Experimentation defined in this case as actively trying to change said orientation in willing participants. Males were even given electric shocks (these were volunteers, remember, who wanted to change from Not Straight to Straight) and it had no effect on their placement on the sexuality spectrum. If a test subject started out say, 60% gay 40% straight, that's where he stayed. The youngest test subjects were 15, so the empirical evidence is that by no later than 15, male sexuality is fairly locked into place. If a dude with HOCD genuinely honestly never had significant same sex attractions (not counting childhood experimentation) before the age of 15.... then convincing me he's Gay or Bi is a very, very hard sell. To be blunt- by 13 I was consciously getting horny for dick, for the sake of it being dick and not merely adolescent fascination with anything sexual. That hasn't changed, and notice I beat the empirical 15 year old line by two years.

Personally, from my own experience, I find that same sex attractions wax and wane just a little. If you're going to aggregate the various ways I feel attractions to males and females (because they are definitely not the same set of attractions) into one amalgamated scale, then I would be about the middle. Which, from my understanding, is fairly rare that a person finds themselves slap in the middle of the sexual orientation spectrum. But it feels like over time it moves around a little in either direction- which is in contradiction to that research I mention. I don't know if that's real fluctuation, or if that's just my perception, or if it's mainly due to the fact that I can't scratch one of those itches, being in a relationship, and sometimes the itch gets to me. I can't clearly say. It may be due to the differences in my desires for each sex. If I'm thinking more about companionship, then I'm more 'straight'. If I'm- to be blunt- just plain horny... then I'm often going to be feeling more 'gay'. In fact, the more I think about it, that might explain it.

Females are thought to be somewhat flexible, with the caveat that it requires sufficient motivation to change- a girl isn't spontaneously turning Lesbian (or Straight) unless she really wants to. Females are also more keyed to emotional affection being a factor in sexual attraction, than males, I've read- and to me that dovetails nicely with 'sufficient motivation'. Other research I've read has similar conclusions that over time female sexuality can be moderately fluid compared to males.

Nowhere have I seen, however, that female sexuality can be radically changed on a dime- and definitely not without the desire to do so. But it does seem y'all do have a few options... us unfortunates born with a Y chromosome, not so much, it seems.
Image

Tell someone today you love them, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 18231
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Sun Sep 26, 2021 11:35 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Tue Aug 03, 2021 3:11 pm

Makes sense.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
Artninja1995
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 465
Joined: Thu Feb 05, 2015 2:00 pm
Local time: Sun Sep 26, 2021 11:35 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Tue Aug 03, 2021 4:27 pm

Artninja1995 wrote:Makes sense.


That's good- sometimes I write a long post and I'm not sure it makes sense to myself....
Image

Tell someone today you love them, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 18231
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Sun Sep 26, 2021 11:35 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Tue Aug 03, 2021 5:30 pm

I get that. I do the same thing if you couldn’t tell lol

Part of me wonders if it’s this new medication I’m on making things worse. I just feel kinda sick to my stomach and idk why. I know it’s OCD related but I can’t quite pinpoint exactly what it is. All I know is that I’m uncomfortable.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
Artninja1995
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 465
Joined: Thu Feb 05, 2015 2:00 pm
Local time: Sun Sep 26, 2021 11:35 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Wed Aug 04, 2021 3:52 am

what are you taking?
Image

Tell someone today you love them, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 18231
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Local time: Sun Sep 26, 2021 11:35 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

PreviousNext

Return to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 81 guests