***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

You are absolutely right. And i had done that for a while (accept that I had seen these things and moved on). Now I just need to figure out how to do it again and get back to that state.

I just hate that the things that I loved got caught in the crossfire and became tainted. But like you said, with ERP I could find myself loving these things again as I had before.

This is going to be a weird disgusting NSFW vent and I really apologize but I have a strong to confess.

I have no idea what I hope to accomplish by posting this. I was doing very well these past couple of weeks and sitting with my anxiety. I even went two weeks without researching online. Now I am back to the overwhelming disgust and fear. I keep seeing kids out with their parents at the store and I may glance mindlessly or unintentionally at random people. In the chance it is a child, I think back to what a p-word said to me about how they glance at kids purposely, and then I fear that I am doing the same thing.

I started classes, I missed assignments the first two weeks, and was incredibly anxious to not only do them but email my professor. I even haven't seen my therapist in two weeks. I am running low on money and I have to space out my appointments. Luckily I have managed to try and fix this.

I am realizing I have a lot of anxiety working with raw meat and I made some fried chicken tonight. The anxiety was overwhelming and of course, I probably stressed out my boyfriend. I had to resist washing my hands over and over again even though I was wearing gloves. I have other fears rearing their heads too such as saying slurs while drunk or actually being racist, I get horrific violent thoughts, fears of being attracted to animals, and of course the disgusting incest fears.

I just keep thinking of the porn that I saw growing up. I have watched almost every disgusting thing in the book it seems. I remember watching incest porn for some time and researching if looking at that meant I wanted to do those things with family members. I of course didn't and don't want to. I looked at watersports porn, I know for a fact that I don't want that to happen to me either. The only weird fantasy I have which is embarrassing to admit is being attracted to alien-like creatures, like the amphibian man from the shape of water, the alien Garrus from the mass effect series, or the swamp thing.

I just can't believe I looked at these disgusting things. My boyfriend and I talked about it again. We both said we felt guilty about this gross fictional essentially CSE material but that we were about the same age as the characters and in my particular case I imagined myself as the younger characters in these situations so it didn't exactly sink in. He admitted he had p-word fears but when he imagined those scenarios he knew he didn't want them. I really wish I could do that.

I keep thinking of times where I wanted to work or worked with kids and I fear what that means. I hate this so much but I guess I just have to stick to my routines. I will be spending time with my boyfriend this Valentine's day and I look forward to that.

That entire last post was a mess and I kind of want to edit out everything on there.

I feel like I am getting bad again. I keep thinking that I am going to wait until the end of the year and if it turns out this is not OCD, I am going to end it just so I can keep people safe.

I wish I could just move on from everything. I wish the adults in my life had kept me and my siblings safer. I wish I had friends growing up and that I didn’t hold the shame that I have held since I was 4 years old. I wish I just got to be a kid. I wish I turned tail and ran when I saw porn for the first time.

I can’t think of a single moment in my life where I didn’t hate myself.

I remember that at the age of 16 I was so ready to take my own life and sleep with some random 50 year old man. Another time I sent pictures of myself to a man who said he wanted to help me lose weight as a teenager.

Will I always be this tainted woman who is
a slave to her past? Doing the same things over and over again hoping for some kind of epiphany. Is there a point to any of this?

I am sorry if this is depressing, I am so tired these days.

Yes, as Snaga said. If you truly feel suicidal, please reach out for help.


As if POCD and SOOCD wasn’t bad enough, guess what might be trying to rear it’s ugly head again. That’s right. I think TOCD might be trying to come back. I was just innocently scrolling through my Twitter feed and someone (who I don’t follow but posts a lot in topics that I frequent) made a tweet about how they don’t think they’re cis anymore. I didn’t really think about it at the time. And then had an idle idea about creating a non-binary/agender character for a game that I like playing. Which kinda set my mind back on the TOCD tracks. Not enough to cause full on panic, but I could feel as though something uncomfortable and unwanted suddenly took place. I tried so hard to be like “maybe I am, maybe I’m not. I’m just going to sit with the uncertainty.”

I think I still failed miserably. I let myself think “well I feel female, and I’ve always felt female, so therefore I am female.” Which my OCD responded to with “lol okay then how about you don’t feel like anything”. And here we are.

Now just a few minutes ago I remember a few times when I was only struggling with SOOCD wondering if I was a boy trapped in a girls body just solely due to the fact that I was having this anxiety over possibly being attracted to women. I completely forgot about that until now. Again, still no real panic. Just generally feeling uncomfortable and knowing something isn’t quite right.

Heh. Hey Snaga. Remember that time I told you about that one guy messaging me for constant reassurance and who was kinda making my OCD worse? Well, it’s like I’ve turned into that guy.

What the ###$ has happened to me. I mean I kinda know the answer. I’ve been ruminating and checking and researching myself into the ground.

**TW**

It’s to the point where it’s like my core values feel like they’ve changed. Where I feel like I like the thoughts now. And that still bothers me. Where I’m still repulsed by anything sexual and I feel disgusting and don’t want to be around any kids at all. Where I’ll get anxiety if I find someone I know is older than me is attractive or did an attractive thing. Where I feel like what I’m feeling now is how I’ve always felt and struggle to remind myself that I know I didn’t, because what I’m feeling now has “overridden” how I used to feel in my memories. Where I don’t feel disgusted by hearing about stories of pedos and get groinal responses. (Which I know means absolutely nothing). When the phrase “thoughts are just thoughts” feels like an excuse that horrible people use to justify their gross thoughts. Where any and every thought that pops into my head becomes an obsession. Where I feel like I don’t love my dog or any dogs anymore because I got an urge to do inappropriate things with mine (didn’t do it, though). Where I accidentally saw my moms boob while she was changing (which I’ve seen accidentally before and have had to help her change before because she’s handicapped) and couldn’t stop remembering that I saw it. Where anything and everything is a trigger but I’m not feeling full blown anxiety like I should be. Where I don’t even know if I’m telling the truth or if I’m lying about everything to save face.

Where even my therapist doesn’t know what to do with me because I can’t do the exposures like I’m supposed to, and I can’t figure out if it’s because I’m too afraid of the slim possibility of the thoughts being true, or think they’re a waste of time because they’re already true and I just don’t want to fess up.

Where I can’t really get any medication because I have no insurance and no job.

Where I just don’t seem to know what is real or what is fake anymore. Where I feel like I need to be put in solitary confinement.

I’m feeling great when I’m not obsessed over something.

Hey guys I want you to tell me if this is normal enough for someone with OCD. So I got obsessed with some fictional characters from dead by daylight, to the point where I constantly check for really bad images of them getting hurt from fetish artists, some examples: like snake vore or them getting vored, Basically in anyway I would consider destructive to my Obsession. If I see a photo of snake vore or them getting hurt by any sort of monster, and even if a snake is just hypnotizing them, it drives me crazy, I get very depressed and full of a lot of anxiety, I start to cry, I constantly try to find a way to calm myself down, and I get really depressed, my head starts burning as well. And I can’t breathe either when I’m getting that upset like my lungs are killing me while my head is too.


It’s even gotten to the point where even if I wanted to do an image like that myself, I wouldn’t want to do it because if I do people will get inspired by me and make the photo and I won’t like it.

Keep in mind I have severe OCD, so I don’t know how normal this is and I hope I’m not the only one who thinks like this. It’s very scary stuff and it keeps me from doing the stuff I love all because I don’t wanna inspire someone to do something I don’t like.