***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

I think I get it. Everything just feels like a mess right now. My OCD has completely wrecked havok in the span of a week, and I know my ruminating and wallowing And checking hasn’t helped at all. I don’t know what to do with all these thoughts and feelings.

It’s like my attraction to the characters and people that I’ve beeen attracted to has suddenly vanished, and it sometimes labeling a few of the characters as minors even though general fandom consensus puts them in their 20s. Sexual things feel repulsive. And I also have a suspicion my HOCD is taking advantage of the confusion and spiking too. Everything just feels weird and wrong and mixed up.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

So now I’m ruminating on whether I thought the shota comics were hot when I first looked them up. And I don’t even have an answer because I don’t remember much about that time.

I’m still just so torn up about those damn comics. I wish I had never looked at them, or at that site in general! I know I was doing okay before I did that! And I know it didn’t feel like this!

But I know children and minors have never been part of my sexual fantasies! Ever! Always same age or older! I mean I guess you could count erotic fanfictions that I’ve read and liked and even written as fantasies? They’ve always had of age characters. And I would always make sure there weren’t any tagged underage either!

But at the same time, if I try to imagine myself having sex with a character that I’ve been attracted to, it always tries to replace them with a kid or minor!

I’m worrying and scaring my mom with how I’ve been acting. I’ve been shut up in my room and barely eating anything. I wish I could tell her about what’s going on but I don’t want her to think different of me.

I had my consultation session with my new therapist today. And my next session is on Wednesday. Let’s hope it will work.

Glad to hear a session is coming up!

Yup.

And of course OCD has to come back in telling me that I have had sexual fantasies about children when I know I never have. Or at least I’m pretty sure I haven’t. This has gotten me screwed up so bad that I can’t tell fact from fiction anymore. I’m so paranoid about my thoughts while I sleep that I can’t sleep fully. It’s exhausting.

I hate it. I want it to go away. I wish I had never ever EVER looked up that comic site.

I know I didn’t used to feel like this, and of course OCD has tainted how I remember feeling before this.

I want my attraction to men back. Both to older and same age, and in general. But I guess I’ll have to be patient for the therapy to work.

I’m honestly very nervous. But I know it has to be done. I wanna learn how to combat this once and for all.

So I ended up coming clean to my mom about my POCD. I had sent her a video previously about what loved ones can do to help people with OCD but I had said most of those wouldn’t help since all my compulsions are mental. So she asked me what themes I have.

I didn’t tell her about the shota, though, because I knew she wouldn’t understand that. She asked if I had ever fantasized about children or minors, and I told her the truth, which is no. But my OCD was making me feel like I was lying to her. But I wasn’t lying! I have never EVER fantasized about those things!

And now I’m paranoid that she thinks I’m secretly a pedo and trying to hide it behind OCD. That’s what I’m worried about!

Also when I woke up this morning my brain immediately flagged something as a pedo thought even though I don’t remember what the thought even was. And I panicked.

And just a bit ago I went to pick up our thanksgiving food and I saw a child and I had a thought that I wanted to grab her. Not do anything else, just grab her. I didn’t, of course, but it really freaked me out. Did I want to grab her? Was I testing myself somehow? Or was it just an OCD thought?

I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s fake. And I’m scared.

Artninja1995 wrote:I had a thought that I wanted to grab her

Intrusive thoughts are a bitch, aren't they? Ego-dystonic, sweetie... ego dystonic...

Hey- go downstairs and kill your partner.

Hey, kiss that guy that's talking to you

Hey, pat that woman you work with, on the ass

That's just a sample of the fun intrusive thoughts we (me, us, the system, whatever I'm very switchy today sorry) get.

Sure we could think of more if we put our mind to it but those are the most common, yes.

Until acted upon.... they are... just... thoughts. Theyre only turned into something big, if I let them.

So I try not to do that.

Otherwise I'd be where you are, feeling as if I'm going insane (I'm crazy enough already thank you) because do I really want to what if I do what if I can't help myself I mean it'd be so easy to do what if I don't even know I'm doing it???? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Actually the absoluteliest frightening is touching a woman's butt because we know, our hand likes butts and when you're used to touching a partner... it's like hand? Dude, you can't touch that one, it don't belong to you, so don't.

A big worry is that we'll be the old nursing home patient that touches butts. But... I guess if we have dementia, we... wouldn't know....? Worry about that, when we get there. Do not let OCD make you scared when something hasn't even happened. I have harm OCD, but I'll worry about it, after I've harmed, not before. Otherwise I will be paralyzed with fear. One has to have faith, they are not their OCD intrusive thoughts. Ego... dystonic.... if they weren't dystonic, they wouldn't terrify you. Of course, ironically, you have to quit letting them terrify you. Then OCD be like, Damn girl that don't terrify you now you really ARE a pedo! Which of course give OCD the response it was jonesing for- you're terrified again. OCD needs fear like the body needs food. And will gaslight the ###$ out of us, to get it. So then you have to not be afraid, of not being afraid. And however many more times it takes, until OCD is like well damn this ain't getting me nowhere, and goes and sulks in a corner of your brain, waiting for you to slip up and worry about it again.

It's really easy to get into that frantic headspace, I know. I have been there, and have to actively keep my harmOCD especially, out of that.

You didn't grab the kid. If you really wanted to... you'd be figuring out a way to grab the kid. But I don't think you do.

I'd also like to add, that even if you HAD fantasized? So? I... fantasize about having things done to me, that I'd never, ever, ever, eeeeeeeever want to have really happened to me. I'm pretty sure I kn real life don't want to be maimed, okay? But I've daydreamed it. Don't mean I really want it.

But... they're just thoughts, sweetie. Intellectually, I understand that I can daydream about anything, and not really want to be that thing- but besides the fact that it would be gross and creepy, I'm OCD enough to be like, ew, no don't even GO there, brain. For the fear I'd 'become' one. But strictly speaking, I still wouldn't think you were a pedo, if you'd had to answer 'yes' to your mother- because that simply doesn't translate into something that's in your core being. If it did, we wouldn't be here talking about it, I'd be disapproving/editing posts because we can't talk about paraphilias because you'd be talking about being one, not the fear of maybe kinda sorta youdon'tknowbutyou'rescared. I know I'm Bi. I'd know if I was pedo. And I think you do, too- when OCD isn't having its way with you.

That's when we have to look dispassionately and be like, well okay I've never wanted in the real world, to do a Bad Touch. So... not a pedo. That's what I have to do with my harm OCD every time it tries to flare up. "You're gonna kill so-and-so" Well... I've had... how many years to go thru victims like crap through a goose? And yet, I haven't. So..... not a killer, sorry OCD, I'll worry about it, when it happens. Now go away. And... it might take a few tries, but if I don't give in, it calms down and the worry will go away for a while. I never make the mistake of assuming it's gone, because it's waiting for me to turn my back on it so it can take me by surprise. but.... I can make it shut up a while. Other day, had a thought pop up to kick the dog- mind you, he's a very frustrating dog. But... didn't do it. Not a dog-kicker, that's my harm intrusive thoughts.

Thoughts that supposedly everyone gets, but only OCD people make a thing out of it. And I imagine... normies get thoughts like 'what if I grabbed that kid' but they're not OCD so they're like, well that's a weird thought, and forget it in five minutes. We don't, however, do we? It's.. always been hard, to wrap my brain around that the thoughts that we intrusively get that throw us into fits, everyone supposedly gets. Everyone. And it doesn't bother them? What are they crazy, it OUGHT to bother them, dammit!!!

But it's just us, obsessing. It's our superpower- yay us.....

On the upside, at least it shows we have really sensitive consciences.

Snaga wrote:well okay I've never wanted in the real world, to do a Bad Touch. So... not a pedo

Should have added right there- because we see a lot of this in Remorse forum- stupid inappropriate things done as an adolescent? DO NOT COUNT. What happens in your formative years when your brain is playing catchup to your body, stays in your formative years. The adult you can't be responsible for the kid you touching a friend/sibling/pet whatever, in a way that you now think is 'ew'. because at that age, we don't have 'ew' filters.

Yeah. I told my therapist about what happened. Right now I’m supposed to self assess what triggers me for homework and how bad it triggers me.

But right now my OCD is doing the thing where I’m feeling numb to the thoughts. Like the thoughts are still there but there’s not much, or any, anxiety. I hate it. I know it’s a weird thing to complain about but I hate it.

OCD is.. like someone with substance abuse. When the current dose isn't working, gotta take more. What? You're numb to the anxiety?? All the more reason to be afraid, cause you're not afraid!!!

OCD tries to manufacture fear out of the lack of fear- it needs a steady diet of it and will squeeze us like a lemon to get it.

Try not to fall for that, sweetie. REST. Let the POCD worry about itself. If you're numb to the anxiety, well, you are getting burned out on it. We can only care for so long, you can't stay in flight-or-fight forever. Seems as if these things burn themselves out. I've... never been one of those that my OCD was so bad, that it tried this trick omggirlyou'renotafraidyouSHOULDBE!!! but Lord knows it hits plenty of the folks in this forum.