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***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Sat Nov 21, 2020 4:25 am

I’ve also found myself recently going over a lot of characters (particularly in anime) and been like I thought he was good looking, but remember that he’s high school age (they tend to draw characters older than they actually are I’ve recently noticed). And I quickly get over thinking they’re good looking when I remember that. But I know nothing would ever come of it beyond that. But of course my OCD loves to have a field day with it. And this didn’t happen all the time or in every single manga. Just every once in a great while.

But now I’m like super paranoid. And it’s now like older characters don’t exist anymore, or my attraction to them has vanished. Which is bull crap cause I know I’ve read/wrote erotic/semi-erotic fanfictions Involving those older characters and I loved them. And of course it’s trying to say that I never loved it at all when I know I did. I hate this and it sucks.

But yeah I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried today
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Sat Nov 21, 2020 5:08 am

God and the more I talk the more I feel like I’m criminalizing myself. I’m looking what I wrote in the last post and my OCD is like “see!! You just admitted you thought younger guys were cute!”

It was just a fleeting thing, aight. And I didn’t think about it in depth like this until this whole OCD bull crap happened. And I’d always shut it down quick anyway like “Nope, not going there.”

But yeah I’m just gonna chalk it up to my brain being in overdrive cause I never thought about it in this depth ever.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Sat Nov 21, 2020 6:09 am

Ahhh dammit. Now I’m reminded of other comics I looked at on the same site. I know They weren’t shota comics, but they are still triggery enough. And I had looked them up years ago too. And now that makes me feel even sicker.

God if I had not remembered them I think I would have been fine.
I really do seem to hate myself, don’t I?

What in the EVERLOVING hell possessed me to go back to that site. I was doing great before then! I’m not a religious person but The devil is testing me, I know he is. I was just settling down to hopefully get some sleep and then my brain has to be like “hey remember those other comics you looked at? What was that you said about definitely being attracted to older guys?”

But the same with the shota comics, I imagined myself as the one having the acts done to me by the older ones. As far as I can tell they were all of age but I’m not sure and I’m not going to even chance it.

That site has now been blocked thoroughly. I’m definitely not touching that site ever again with a ten foot pole.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Sat Nov 21, 2020 6:57 am

I was compelled afterwards to go through my fanfiction bookmarks on AO3. Sure enough, most of them were erotic writings between two adults. Some of them weren’t erotic at all and were just cute, wholesome things. I know I know compulsions are bad. But my brain is in overdrive because of those other comics.

I just wanted to get some sleep, is that too much to ask? Apparently it is
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Sat Nov 21, 2020 3:20 pm

I couldn’t sleep last night. My anxiety kept waking me up. I’m just so tired and scared. I want Monday to get here faster so I can start my therapy.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
Artninja1995
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Sat Nov 21, 2020 8:58 pm

My brain is picking apart everything and finding more “evidence” that I’m a pedo than I’m not.

I know I’m doing a compulsion by continuously posting on here. But I can’t help it. It all feels so real and distressing. And the fact that I repeat myself a lot on these posts is a compulsion too. And it’s making me feel like my first crush was me at my current age crushing on him at the age we were when I started crushing on him. No! That’s not how it went at all!!!

Everything just feels weird and wrong now. My ruminating and checking has shoved me further into OCDs clutches. It’s also making me feel like I was looking at the shota and other comics the entire time when I know I wasn’t! I know I would get super uncomfortable after hearing stories about pedos getting found out. And maybe that was me worried I’d get spiked again? Dunno, hard to tell.

I get super uneasy and uncomfortable now when I see the words “pedo”, “pedophile”, “sexual”, and any age younger than 20. I also get very uncomfortable around any anime ever now, which is ridiculous. I mean yeah there have been a few where before this happened I was uncomfortable with because of the oversexualization of women in general.

I just don’t know what to believe anymore. Cause it feels like even the things I know are being called into question. Which is OCDs doing, I know
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
Artninja1995
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Sun Nov 22, 2020 3:44 am

You told me not to let it eat me Snaga, and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Letting it eat me.

How do I not know I’m not just saying I don’t want to be a pedo to stay in everyone’s good graces?

How do I know I truly wish I never looked up that hentai site ever.

How do I know my crushes weren’t just ways to reassure myself about my HOCD?

How can I get myself to not care about what I did when it was so despicable? How did I let myself have a lapse in control? What does that say about me? And how do I know I wasn’t just lying about imagining myself as the shota?

I’m sorry if this has been triggering you Snaga. I just feel numb.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
Artninja1995
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Sun Nov 22, 2020 4:42 pm

Artninja1995 wrote: my OCD is like “see!! You just admitted you thought younger guys were cute!”



Aren't they? You have eyes.

I think 15 year old boys and girls are cute- doesn't mean I want to bang them! Just ew. Ew and creepy. If I see a cute teenager, my mind says, oh, wow, they're a cutie wish *I* was that age again. But I'm not, so my mind wanders on to the next attention deficit thing, end of story I don't think of it again, 'cause there's nothing to think about.

I think baby bunnies are cute too- no desire to get sexual with baby bunnies. Baby girl, you are way overthinking this.
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Sun Nov 22, 2020 4:48 pm

Snaga wrote:
Artninja1995 wrote: my OCD is like “see!! You just admitted you thought younger guys were cute!”



Aren't they? You have eyes.

I think 15 year old boys and girls are cute- doesn't mean I want to bang them! Just ew. Ew and creepy. If I see a cute teenager, my mind says, oh, wow, they're a cutie wish *I* was that age again. But I'm not, so my mind wanders on to the next attention deficit thing, end of story I don't think of it again, 'cause there's nothing to think about.

I think baby bunnies are cute too- no desire to get sexual with baby bunnies. Baby girl, you are way overthinking this.


Edited to add I might be an OSDD1b system which includes a preteen and a teen and even they're like well NO we can't do anything age inappropriate 'cause we're in this gross old body. They don't overthink it, sweetie. They're like Ew, No, and we move along. You're allowed to think people too young for you are cute, because it's merely an observation, nothing more unless you're gonna OCD yourself into a corner over it.
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Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Sun Nov 22, 2020 4:59 pm

I'm sorry, I get frustrated with young people, like you, worrying over being some sort of hebe or ephebophiliac, when it's a matter of what? Five years or something? You're in your 20s, you're still allowed to think teenagers are cute- you can still look at the menu, as long as you don'r order off the Kids' meal.

Believe me, your sense of appropriateness and even what you think is sexually attractive will follow you within an age range- I went to a high school football game last month and I'm sitting right in front of the cheerleaders and I was like, these are the cheerleaders? They're little kids! :shock: Surely I didn't look that young when I was that age....!!!

Well, yes of course I did, I just wasn't an old codger at the time, to notice it. And I can look at, I don't know, characters from movies that I've watched since I was a child, and suddenly that old lady isn't looking so old and I think hmm she's pretty good looking I'd do that.

It just pains me to see people barely away from being kids, worrying so much over finding someone younger than an arbitrary age, that they're still within sight of, attractive. Well of course y'all do, you're still young yourselves. Trust me, you'll blink and you'll be like where did all these little kids come from? Oh wait, it's not them- it's me, I'm OLD.
Image

Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
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