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***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:03 am

TOCD and HOCD all in one. I started with just the HOCD around 4 years ago (will be 5 in Dec) and then it changed suddenly to TOCD this past January. The HOCD comes back sometimes and its hard to keep track of them both.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Sun Sep 27, 2015 5:28 am

It's so hard sometimes to remember it's anxiety that's doing it, hon. If it was real, wanted or not, I'd think there would be a genuine draw, fascination, etc., with the H or T. I remember for a while, long time back now, wondering if I were trans. I'm sure my OCD made me obsess over it a little but it wasn't TOCD. I hadn't heard of TOCD, but looking back I don't think it was because while I was disturbed by the thoughts, I was also drawn to them, and when I took some online tests that said I wasn't, I was actually a bit disappointed, because part of me wanted to be trans. Not the same thing as TOCD. So unless a person can point to a fascination with it... Meh. Anxiety is a sneaky bastard.
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Sun Sep 27, 2015 1:26 pm

It is, I agree. And this just added on top of my already really low self esteem. Like before it all started, I was always worried that I wasn't as pretty as the other girls and no one but my closest friends wanted to talk to me. I had a crush on a guy who would never like me back because of different social cliques (he was a popular kid. I was a geek/nerd/wierdo) and again back to my appearance. I always wished I could be skinnier and curvier, and have bigger boobs than I do (which, when I think about it, the ones I have now are decent sized, so I think I'm okay with them now. Wished they didn't look so weird though). I wished that a really cute guy would ask me out, and that was my hope during middle school (never happened unfortunately.) And just when I was starting to really like my body and my chubbiness, BAM! TOCD, and everything is screwed up.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:02 pm

Self esteem is a heartless bitch. I had horrid self esteem, and I had sexuality/slight gender issues anyway (I'm not completely straight and according to most gender tests I should have boobs), so I never asked girls out and when one would show interest in me I would convince myself they didn't really mean it. I was a virgin till 38. Meh.
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby jdd » Mon Sep 28, 2015 1:28 am

Oh dear... Happened to catch a random picture of a underwear male model without the torso and got a decent erection. :oops:

Not feeling very good at all right about now.
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Mon Sep 28, 2015 2:14 pm

So I thought I was starting to feel a little better this morning, coasting along on a reassurance high or something I dunno. Did not last long. I was listening to my playlists on spotify when a song from my childhood came up and it triggered a memory. A memory of once hearing the song (be with you by Enrique Iglesias if you were curious. Good song.) and picturing myself in the guy's position. I completely forgot about that until now, and even then I'm not sure if it's actually real or not. I have a feeling it is real but I'm still not sure. And it only happened once as far as I can tell. And of course my OCD is treating it as validation that I really am trans when it's just one memory and really wouldn't matter if I forgot about it that easily. Ugh I dunno.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Mon Sep 28, 2015 2:39 pm

And of course it really doesn't matter. Probably everyone has had thoughts like that at one time or another.
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Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Mon Sep 28, 2015 3:16 pm

Exactly, that's what I thought too. Same with other memories that my OCD is pointing towards me being lesbian, which by the way was what I was worrying about first before TOCD came up, and only that. Not to mention that it also twists memories or perceived memories to its advantage.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
Artninja1995
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Mon Sep 28, 2015 9:46 pm

So another thing thats interesting is that its making me feel like my breasts are not even there, and that does not feel right. Like I can see them there physically but its like my brain isnt registering them or something. It used to, and I was happy with that, but I'm gonna wager this new development is OCD's doing. Again.

That and for some reason my brain like to project that I do have a penis when I don't and never wanted one. Kinda like a ghost limb kinda thing. It always projects it as erect tho for some reason but I really just want it to stop.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
Artninja1995
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 434
Joined: Thu Feb 05, 2015 2:00 pm
Local time: Sat Jan 23, 2021 2:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby jdd » Mon Sep 28, 2015 10:47 pm

Artninja1995 wrote:So another thing thats interesting is that its making me feel like my breasts are not even there, and that does not feel right. Like I can see them there physically but its like my brain isnt registering them or something. It used to, and I was happy with that, but I'm gonna wager this new development is OCD's doing. Again.

That and for some reason my brain like to project that I do have a penis when I don't and never wanted one. Kinda like a ghost limb kinda thing. It always projects it as erect tho for some reason but I really just want it to stop.


I'm sorry you're feeling like that right now. :( must be difficult to deal with.
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