***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

TOCD and HOCD all in one. I started with just the HOCD around 4 years ago (will be 5 in Dec) and then it changed suddenly to TOCD this past January. The HOCD comes back sometimes and its hard to keep track of them both.

It's so hard sometimes to remember it's anxiety that's doing it, hon. If it was real, wanted or not, I'd think there would be a genuine draw, fascination, etc., with the H or T. I remember for a while, long time back now, wondering if I were trans. I'm sure my OCD made me obsess over it a little but it wasn't TOCD. I hadn't heard of TOCD, but looking back I don't think it was because while I was disturbed by the thoughts, I was also drawn to them, and when I took some online tests that said I wasn't, I was actually a bit disappointed, because part of me wanted to be trans. Not the same thing as TOCD. So unless a person can point to a fascination with it... Meh. Anxiety is a sneaky bastard.

It is, I agree. And this just added on top of my already really low self esteem. Like before it all started, I was always worried that I wasn't as pretty as the other girls and no one but my closest friends wanted to talk to me. I had a crush on a guy who would never like me back because of different social cliques (he was a popular kid. I was a geek/nerd/wierdo) and again back to my appearance. I always wished I could be skinnier and curvier, and have bigger boobs than I do (which, when I think about it, the ones I have now are decent sized, so I think I'm okay with them now. Wished they didn't look so weird though). I wished that a really cute guy would ask me out, and that was my hope during middle school (never happened unfortunately.) And just when I was starting to really like my body and my chubbiness, BAM! TOCD, and everything is screwed up.

Self esteem is a heartless bitch. I had horrid self esteem, and I had sexuality/slight gender issues anyway (I'm not completely straight and according to most gender tests I should have boobs), so I never asked girls out and when one would show interest in me I would convince myself they didn't really mean it. I was a virgin till 38. Meh.

Oh dear... Happened to catch a random picture of a underwear male model without the torso and got a decent erection.

Not feeling very good at all right about now.

So I thought I was starting to feel a little better this morning, coasting along on a reassurance high or something I dunno. Did not last long. I was listening to my playlists on spotify when a song from my childhood came up and it triggered a memory. A memory of once hearing the song (be with you by Enrique Iglesias if you were curious. Good song.) and picturing myself in the guy's position. I completely forgot about that until now, and even then I'm not sure if it's actually real or not. I have a feeling it is real but I'm still not sure. And it only happened once as far as I can tell. And of course my OCD is treating it as validation that I really am trans when it's just one memory and really wouldn't matter if I forgot about it that easily. Ugh I dunno.

And of course it really doesn't matter. Probably everyone has had thoughts like that at one time or another.

Exactly, that's what I thought too. Same with other memories that my OCD is pointing towards me being lesbian, which by the way was what I was worrying about first before TOCD came up, and only that. Not to mention that it also twists memories or perceived memories to its advantage.

So another thing thats interesting is that its making me feel like my breasts are not even there, and that does not feel right. Like I can see them there physically but its like my brain isnt registering them or something. It used to, and I was happy with that, but I'm gonna wager this new development is OCD's doing. Again.

That and for some reason my brain like to project that I do have a penis when I don't and never wanted one. Kinda like a ghost limb kinda thing. It always projects it as erect tho for some reason but I really just want it to stop.

Artninja1995 wrote:So another thing thats interesting is that its making me feel like my breasts are not even there, and that does not feel right. Like I can see them there physically but its like my brain isnt registering them or something. It used to, and I was happy with that, but I'm gonna wager this new development is OCD's doing. Again.

That and for some reason my brain like to project that I do have a penis when I don't and never wanted one. Kinda like a ghost limb kinda thing. It always projects it as erect tho for some reason but I really just want it to stop.

I'm sorry you're feeling like that right now. must be difficult to deal with.