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Pure O ; HOCD ; ROCD; (POCD?) - Can't take it anymore.

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Pure O ; HOCD ; ROCD; (POCD?) - Can't take it anymore.

Postby Alanator » Sat May 03, 2014 1:20 pm

I'll seperate this post into 2-3 different parts and I'll try to give you as much information about myself as possible. And yes, I know you guys can't give me a diagnosis.

Part1 (HOCD)

Hey there... this is going to be a long story so yeah.

I'm a 17 year old male and in College. I recently got into a Long Distance Relationship (First Official Relationship Ever!) with the most amazing girl ever.

Anyhow... I kind of fell outta love with her (we are still in a relationship) after almost a month and a week after that I started doubting my sexuality. I have always been a straight male all my life (from my knowledge and assurance by other people – gestures and all that), I remember being in love/crushing on girls ever since kindergarten. I used to have a close female friend from back then (we were in elementary school as well) and I always crushed on her and stuff... we even did some "experimenting" since she was the one, that introduced me to sex (Playing doctor and/or having “sex” while playing adulthood). So yeah fast forward to Elementary School... I had a crush on my Mathematics teacher and a girl in class. I never really experienced any arousal or attraction to guys, besides jealousy (I was overweight back then) since they really were better looking at some point. Anyhow, I kind of started getting obsessed with SEX. I started watching porn at the age of 7 or 8 with a friend who had access to porn. Like mentioned above, I was totally into it.. my mind was set onto SEX 24/7, I started drawing sexual images (nothing homosexual at all) but yeah I kind of started "banging" my male friends like just for fun since they were running away from it and I thought it was funny (that's what I think it was... I never felt any attraction - emotionally or physically). I did some experimenting with my female cousin as well.... but there's this thorn in my eye - I played "doctor" with my male 2nd cousin once.. and I even tried to kiss 2 of my friends (I think it was just for fun though... there was never any attraction from what I can remember). And that kind of makes my mind worry about stuff that I might not be straight even though I always was and I never showed any signs.

So yeah the years passed and I always liked chicks, never had a thing for men. Besides maybe noticing a good looking (who doesn't, right?). I got through Elementary School and attended Middle School... again crushing on my hot female teacher and some chicks in class - no guys.

NOTE: I was pretty shy all my life (still that way, it got a little better though) when it comes to girls... like being nervous around them. - Unexperienced virgin lol

Anyways, throughout Middle and High school I'd never develop feelings for a guy besides a strong friendship. But I caught myself checking out a classmate of mine every now and then (he was an athlete) - yet I was totally into girls. No desire to be with a man or whatsoever. I even remember wanting to bang half the chicks in my class… especially on a class trip to France.

Note:
Anyhow... I developed a love for porn throughout the years and I masturbated a lot to it. (I have looked at shemale porn sometimes too, but 99% of it was straight porn). Oh and I discovered I sometimes like touching my asshole while masturbating. But I heard that's quite common for guys since they have their orgasm thing in there. But I did it like only a few times from what I know, like it’s not a major turn on.

Fast forward to Prom 2013 - I had no date ( we don't ask people out here in Germany so yeah ) but I walked in with a chick and I was really proud of it... and I was really having thoughts of getting laid that night (lots of hot chicks were present that evening..phew).

So yeah after Prom I fell into depression kind of since I and most of my friends went separate ways and stuff... here I am - Vacational College.

August 2013 - Vacational College - Multilingual Secretary (I wanted to do something with languages)

I got into a completely new environment, new school.. New people. We were 15 people (13 chicks and 2 guys - me and a gay dude)
I felt lucky about the fact I got into a class full of (mostly) attractive/sexy chicks. And I started developing crushes and the desire to have sex on/with a few of them. Anyways, that other dude hid his Homosexuality but he managed to come out after a week or so. We all accepted him... and when he outed himself I asked him about his parents reaction (I was curious because he was actually the first real Homosexual person I have met in person and I was open-minded and interest in how his parents reacted kind of, even though I was(maybe still am a little) homophobic.) So yeah he turned out to be a cool person, we started hanging and stuff... he knew a lot of girls so I kind of saw it as a good thing, since he hosted parties quite often. After a while I started getting thoughts about Homosexuality, even though I was/am 100% sure I'm straight... looking for "da pussy". So I ignored it... now the shocking part – After a while I had fantasies of him and me in a threesome with another chick and ended up with him sucking me off or me sucking him off! Things that'd disgust me. That happened once or twice and never again.

Fast forward to January 2014 - I was horny and we were hanging at his place after being at a party…and I didn’t get laid so yeah I had thoughts about him sucking me off... it was a short thought and it disappeared again. I was still interested in women. I was sexting girls and whatnot and I loved it. But I somehow started looking at guys... like if I saw a really ripped guy I'd start breathing a little heavier than usual, nothing serious in my opinion though… well I asked myself stuff like “Dude, are you gay or what?!”- But yeah, there was no real desire to do stuff such as sex or anything… I might just liked looking at them - Like admiring them for their hard work (?).
I think it might be the desire to have the same body since I'm still not the super skinniest guy, like looking up to him.

I don't want to say that my gay buddy made me think like that but I think it's legit so say that if you hang out a lot with certain people you kind of start adapting their thinking and all that...

To continue the sexting thing:
That's how I got to meet my current and first girlfriend (I asked girls out in real life but yeah... they always said no and stuff)
We kind of stopped the texting and got to know each other better and that's when we found out that we're basically soul mates and all that cheesy crap. Anyhow, like mentioned above... but then, shockingly I kind of fell out of love with her - I started to find her not attractive enough and all that and it really occupied my mind. And a week later I developed this feeling / thoughts whether I am gay or not. I even got off to homosexual thoughts once but that’s it - I haven't watched any gay porn or porn in general for about 2-3 days now.

Anyhow, I told my parents about this (they're pretty homophobic) and I was kind of scared about their reactions (I know.. real gay people fear that) but I managed to tell them that I personally think it's just a phase and that I am straight deep down and all that.



I personally think I have OCD (Not diagnosed) but all symptoms are showing me that I have it.
Whenever I get those thoughts (they're 24/7 on my mind basically -_-) I feel like it's not what I am and it's wrong - I'M SCARED.
I'm scared of turning gay. Those thoughts disgust me actually but somehow I feel joy on one side but then it turns out I don't really like it. I feel like my whole life has been a LIE and that I’ve been living a lie even though it doesn’t make any sense. Basically it's a ###$ itself. Like mentioned already, my biggest fear ever is to turn out gay. I have done a lot of research on HOCD and whatnot and I really think it is HOCD even though it feels so real.
Working out recently was a torture since I was looking at guys and constantly asking myself: "Is he sexy? Do you like him?" and that stuff... and then I heard a guy grunt and I was looking at him - I was disgusted but my mind told me I'd like it.
I was always having issues with gay people actually (I think it's wrong and this might be Karma hitting on me?) and my biggest inner fear was/is to turn out to be gay. I try to accept gay people but deep down I can't. Anyhow, whenever I get those thoughts I think to myself: "okay, you're gay so what?" and then I feel okay for like a minute and then it hits me - Fear, panic and all that.
I can't eat or sleep properly because it has taken over my mind and I'm constantly scared. I'm asking myself whether I'm gay or not. At the moment I don't feel any attraction to women and if I think I'm attracted to a man (through those thoughts) I know it's wrong and it scares and disgusts me. The biggest shock was when I saw my gay buddy after 2 weeks again in school we hugged (like friends would always do) and I felt great and happy about it yet weird and scary, opinion? I want to go back to normal me and be in love with women and love my girlfriend the way I did. Like I said earlier, I was never interested in a romantic and/or physical relationship with a man. But those thoughts want to make me think that I do... but I know I don't. I can't imagine living with a man for the rest of my life, waking up next to him and all that - I want a wife, children, a good career and a house (lol) - yet my mind wants to tell me I want a boyfriend but I can't imagine that, I could never walk hand in hand with a guy. Like I said, those thoughts terrify me... I want them to stop and get back to the straight version of me. I tried accepting it but like I said, the panic comes back after a short while. My libido has disappeared ever since... I don't get horny at all (if I don't force it) and I'm constantly tired and checking my thoughts.

I was thinking of accepting the fact that I'm gay but like I said - I can't, I know it's not me, yet I feel gay then I don't... WHAT A PARADOX! Whenever I feel straight for a moment my mind convinces me I'm not. I even think most my movements seem gay and if I look in the mirror I see a gay guy... HELP!
I even checked the one website where it has that chart saying what a real homosexual thinks and what an HOCD sufferer thinks... and some of the things there applied for the homosexual site... can HOCD make me think that? Feeling the things like they are totally real? I'm just scared and kinda done with life at the moment.

"Fun fact": my girlfriend went through a 2-3 week lesbian phase and turned straight again...


Now my questions:
Can HOCD feel so real?
Can it make you like stuff even though you never did before?
Am I really gay?
Is this a phase of HOCD?
Is it denial?
Don't you know you're gay from the early years?
Will my attraction for women come back?
Is this really treatable?
What caused all this?
Have I lived a lie all my life?
Am I in the closet?
Did my gay friend "spike" me to ask myself those questions? Like: If you're friends with a gay guy does that mean you're gay too?


I'm so worried! And sorry for writing such a long text but I needed so say all the things that are on my mind. Hope you can help me. I've browsed so many internet sites to check whether I'm gay or not (tests and whatnot) or if it's just HOCD yet I can't remain calm at all. I even talked to the school counselor and he said he had a similar experience (we'll talk about it in 1 week - next appointment) and I should try to relax.

Thanks in advance,

Alan

PS: I might add some things if they come to my mind... I'm praying it's HOCD.

Update 1 (04/30/14):
I felt comfortable with “accepting” myself as gay, even though deep down it freaking scares me.
Maybe it’s just what my thoughts want… when I accept myself being gay I start feeling the straightness coming back yet then my thoughts convince me I’m not. I even had a dream with 2 chicks trying to seduce and kiss me and I liked it from what I can remember… is there hope? lol

Update 2 (05/03/14):
Haven't watched porn for about 5 days now I think and my libido isn't back really, only when I lay down but that's it. Gonna continue being on porn withdrawal for now.

Part 2: (ROCD)

Like mentioned above, I was/still am in a relationship with my girlfriend. I remember "falling out of love" with her overnight - it started with doubts about me loving her or not, if she's the right one and all that stuff. I even remember thinking about breaking up after 2 days but it was probably cause she is my FIRST LOVE/Girlfriend ever. Anyways, before I started getting those (excessive) thoughts I was madly in love with her and the other way around. We haven't had any issues actually besides me being a little (over?)jealous because she texted/texts some of her guy friends... but yeah I started worrying about what's happening to me and if it's possible to fall out love suddenly. I can't understand how the girl I love(d) so much suddenly became kind of boring to me - I felt like I stopped caring about her, yet I did. We even had fun when it came to sex (Even though it's a long distance thing.)
Day after day I started battling those thoughts and I said things to her I would've never said... stuff like: You're not attractive to me anymore (it started applying to all women after a few days - I'll get into detail later)
and so on. I hurt her real bad, yet she doesn't want to give up. I was still thinking about breaking up but I know I'd totally regret it and deep down I feel like I need her and I don't wanna lose her.

A few days after researching I stumbled upon a definition called ROCD - Relationship OCD. It felt like a relief (possibly) being a victim of it. Yet I was worried and I had to check... and check... and all that.
Like mentioned above (HOCD) I was an excessive porn user and I noticed that even the porn chicks stopped being attractive to me... weird. Day after day I started noticing that women in general stopped being sexy or attractive to me - I started panicking.
That's when the HOCD thoughts came to my mind... "What if you're gay?" "Did you just check out that guy?"
As soon as the HOCD thoughts came into my mind the ROCD issue disappeared for a few days BUT it's back again - pretty much mixed: HOCD and ROCD and it feels like I'm in a living hell.
I wanna go back to my normal life and be the guy I was before all this crap started. I wanna love her, be attracted to her (women in general too)

Okay now to part 3: POCD thoughts

Okay now I'm really getting worried and it feels like everything is combining. I think I had a pedo thought after seeing 2 young girls on the playground (note: I have a 3yr old brother, I'm scared when I'm around him kinda) and a really ABSURD and DISGUSTING thought came to my mind: "What if you did something to them?". It scares me! I was NEVER interested in such things, like I said - I was always interested in chicks my age or older (MILFs lol) so yeah like I said already, I'm kinda done with everything... I've had thoughts about suicide already. Like: Suicide would fix all the problems.

I'm hopefully goin to see my Doc on monday - Currently I'm kind of housebound.

Sorry for writing such a long text but I really have to check and reassure myself (I'm praying it's Pure OCD :( ) Thanks in advcance (2nd time lol)
Stupid thoughts - I feel like I'm going crazyyyyy

Question: Do we have any "cured" cases on here - people who have gone through cogntive therapy and all that. I'd appreciate PM's about your experience
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Re: Pure O ; HOCD ; ROCD; (POCD?) - Can't take it anymore.

Postby brunettegirl » Sun May 04, 2014 9:38 pm

Hey there, I'm female but I related to a lot of what you said!

I have a lot of ROCD issues, the first of which started with my first relationship at age 15 and have had 2 boyfriends since, but with my current boyfriend it is the worst. I get really jealous intrusive thoughts about his sexual history! It's really upsetting.

I also have the POCD and have had HOCD too, although this doesn't bother me personally because I actually live in a part of England which is known as the gay capital lol, it's very liberal and accepted round here and I feel confident that I am attracted to guys but that if I WAS attracted to girls, although the thought of doing anything with a girl kind of cringes me out, for me it wouldn't be that bad. I think I have POCD because I KNOW it would be very very bad. It's like your OCD latches on to what it and you both know is wrong, and will make you feel the worst. But I have had it for female friends and family members, which is never very nice. The most distressing I have found is harm ocd and POCD for babies and young children (also, i seem to get it much more for girls than boys, which may be because i perceive it to be worse that they are same sex).

Anyway, although I'm not able to offer you much advice, you really aren't alone! I know how hard this can be. I've been wanting to die for a month! Are you still with you gF? and are you on any meds x
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Re: Pure O ; HOCD ; ROCD; (POCD?) - Can't take it anymore.

Postby Alanator » Mon May 05, 2014 5:15 am

Hey, thank you very much for replying to my topic!

First off to answer your questions:

Yes, we are still together! I sometimes get some feelings back out of nowhere and I start thinking about how happy I am with her and all that, but (if it really is) Pure O OCD tells me different things.

And no, I'm not on medication nor in therapy or whatsoever. I've been suffering these issues since Easter Sunday (4/20) and they came out of nowhere. I'm considering seeing a doctor in the next few days. I'm already seeing the school counselor to talk to me about my problems.


I just can't understand how this all started... what was the trigger? Regarding the ROCD - I am jealous every now and then, is that a trigger?

Thanks a lot,

Alan
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Re: Pure O ; HOCD ; ROCD; (POCD?) - Can't take it anymore.

Postby Alanator » Tue May 13, 2014 11:57 am

Update:

I'm experiencing anxiety now as well. Totally helpless at the moment... don't even know why I'm gettin anxiety attacks now. Plus I'm still worried about the whole ROCD and HOCD thing.

Can anyone relate? I'm so scared!!!! I wanna be back in love with my girlfriend and I want all this to stop. It scares me that I'm kinda numb at the moment towards her sigh
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Re: Pure O ; HOCD ; ROCD; (POCD?) - Can't take it anymore.

Postby brunettegirl » Tue May 13, 2014 7:38 pm

That's good that you are still together. I reckon you need that emotional support right now, even if part of it causes some anxiety! I think you do still like her very much but that this worrying is clouding it. What I have found with me, is because of how distressing I find some of my thoughts, e.g the Pocd ones, I almost try and switch off all feelings and emotions altogether, but that can also unfortunately detach you from positive feelings too, that could be a similar thing with you? Maybe you're trying not to feel anything so that can make you r feelings for her feel less intense?
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Re: Pure O ; HOCD ; ROCD; (POCD?) - Can't take it anymore.

Postby Otter » Wed May 14, 2014 3:19 am

Hi Alan -

First of all, you need to calm down. Your anxiety is maxing-out and you are starting to have panic attacks (what you called anxiety attacks). When you're having panic attacks, it’s time to get help - in my opinion.

Second, at your age anxiety disorders, such as OCD, become full blown, if they have been developing up to that point

Reading your whole post it’s clear that anxiety is peaking. Most people who start with something like HOCD will bounce around and touch on ROCD and POCD. But you have them going all at once, which means your anxiety is so intense it is picking up whatever it can get its hands on.

You can’t stay this way, so I advise professional help. Here are some comments that might help in the meantime.

- Stop researching for now. I know its sometimes good to know what is happening, but you have to consider that it might make things worse by adopting new kinds of OCD.

- You have to stop checking. I know you have the urge you look at another guy and ask yourself if you are attacked to him, or find him sexy, but you have to stop the dialogue part, at least - the part where you go back and forth trying to figure things out. You may not be able to stop the feeling, but you have to stop the process of trying to figure this part out.

- If you are watching porn - STOP. Any porn. It isn’t doing you any good.

- stop trying to see things in black and white because it isn’t working. if I read you correctly, you said you got along with your homosexual friend. but then you point out how homosexual thoughts are disgusting to you. this is flirting with cognitive dissonance, and that will cause more anxiety.

- your lack of sexual feelings towards anyone at this point could be the anxiety or depression from the HOCD, ROCD, POCD thoughts.

- I hate to make age an issue, but at this point in your life sex is confusing enough without trying to set everything in stone. here is an example that I have written about before.

I am a heterosexual man. my first prolonged kiss was with a boy, when he and I were 11. it was great and I never regretted it. throughout my life I have had homoerotic fantasies. I find an erect penis to be very erotic. I like mine that way! Does any of that make me gay? No! Why? Because I know I am in control of what I want. Unlike people who suffer HOCD, I don't think anything is hidden somewhere, waiting to take me over. I am also aware that being gay means SO MUCH MORE than sex. It means a deep friend, share responsibilities and intimacy that is the same as any heterosexual relationships (holding hands, walking arm in arm). And if you understand love, it means an unspoken sense of connection with someone.

When I was in my 20’s a very handsome male friend asked me if I wanted to try it “just once”. I told him I was flattered but it wasn’t for me. It didn’t disgust me, I wasn't repelled, etc. I just wasn’t into it.

Like so many people who post here, I say to them and you - DON’T LET YOUR HOCD BLACKMAIL you. Tell it to go to hell, and reverse your fear. Embrace the flexibility of sexuality. Throw what homophobia you have into the river. If you have a fantasy about your friend giving you oral sex, or being in a threesome - so what! Fantasies are not a viruses. They are not going to turn you into anything. The only thing HOCD will do is cheat you of time and a wonderful physical journey you could have. You only have your body for so long - have fun!

Ok, I don’t want to go on with that - because we are really talking about OCD. As you can see it can bounce around from HOCD to ROCD and then - good grief - POCD.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Panic Attacks are the most awful thing I have even gone through. Having anxiety that high is torture. Get at the anxiety. Get some help.

Otter.
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Re: Pure O ; HOCD ; ROCD; (POCD?) - Can't take it anymore.

Postby Alanator » Fri May 23, 2014 3:56 pm

Thank you for your reply, Otter.

The ROCD was actually the first OCD issue that kicked in. Anyhow, I sometimes unconciously realize I miss her and then BAM "You don't miss her." or "Do you really miss her?".

I know I shouldn't try to reassure myself but it's just weird that I sometimes kind of forget about her and that scares me, like... it feels like I don't even have a girlfriend! scary!
I sometimes find myself fantasizing what it'd be like to have another girl as my girlfriend... and I don't want that but I can't fight it.
Sometimes I just think I don't have the courage to break up because I can't/don't wanna hurt her, but why should I throw away the perfect relationship I always wanted? -sigh-

Is that common? Like I already mentioned a million times... it feels so real :(

What I hate the most is myself analyzing the situation when we're talking (video chatting since we live seperated - overseas at the moment)... stuff like "do you enjoy it?", "You should break up" or "is she even attractive to you?"

And the scariest part of it is, that my mind tells me she's not attractive, while other women are.
The guilt and anxiety is pretty high here, and I wish I could always return the "I love you" I get to hear from her.

Completely mindf***ed.

But yeah, I saw my Doc earlier today and he gave me Lorazepam. Not sure whether or not I should use them, since I have another appointment on Thursday with a Homeopathic doctor.

I'll keep you updated, thanks for posting!
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Re: Pure O ; HOCD ; ROCD; (POCD?) - Can't take it anymore.

Postby Alanator » Sun May 25, 2014 2:14 pm

Here I am back with an update on myself...

There's like 4 things that bother me a lot, such as Insulting + harming thoughts, HOCD, Cheating OCD and a sexting incident with other chicks (that I highly regret) before I got into this relationship.

My mind is giving me insulting or harming thoughts towards her and I don't know why, it scares me. I know it's dumb posting it here but OCD (if it's OCD... idk bout that, I doubt it quite often.) is ruining my life.
Why would I insult her? Sometimes when I get jealous my mind says stuff like "bitch" or "whore", and I don't want that. :cry:
Another thing is that one of her friends claimed that we're in an abusive relationship (she doesn't know about my OCD) and that I'd possibly hit her if we lived in the same area (remember, overseas relationship) and that spiked and triggered me I think.

Ugh... cheating.... I've even had thoughts about cheating which I find really disturbing. Applies to both sides. I even had dreams about being cheated on or myself cheating on her. My sleeping pattern is kind of screwed up and I wake up with anxiety. It seems like my OCD is trying to get whatever it can get.

Even though I'm in a bad situation again, I felt some happiness while I was talking to her. She was beautiful and cute and all that to me, and then it faded away - My mind proving me she's not x_x
I hate how other women seem attractive to me. We recently had some fun on cam (Too much information probably... it's weird talking about it.) but I got weird thoughts again... thinking about other women. I just don't know anymore.

Anyhow, before we got into a relationship I had contact with 2 other chicks I met on the web and we'd sometimes sext. And one time I sent a picture of my private part to one of them and I highly regret it, since I wanted my girlfriend to be the one to see it first, yet she wasn't. I feel so guilty and weird, I'd have never done it if I knew I was gonna regret it this much. Sure, it may have been fun exchanging pictres AT THAT time but now... looking back it's killing me.
Is there a way I can get over it or is it also part of my OCD that's killing me now that I'm obsessed with that thought. Only thought that calms me down is: Its just a pic, not real life. The real life encounter is the thing that counts not just a stupid pic, but whenever I think about that it haunts me. Should I tell my girlfriend about this?

Anyhow, I managed to tell her that I love her (and I can honestly say I feel love for her again...somewhere deep down.) and we agreed on reading the book "Sleeping with ROCD", which is quite informative. She is understanding and caring and that is what I need.

Overall I can say, as soon as I "label" and ignore my thoughts I kinda get 'em off my mind and I don't feel any anxiety but then it hits me: "You don't feel any anxiety, it must be true!"
Best example is my HOCD, which came back on Friday again. It makes me feel/think that I enjoy seeing guys more than just as friends, and it bothers me (no offense.) It even makes me feel like I wanna have sex with a shemale x_x

BUT THERE'S A POSITIVE POINT IN HERE:
Good thing though is, that my POCD isn't pretty much present anymore, like I don't get those thoughts, and even if, I can swipe em off.

Hope I can get a reply from someone.
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Re: Pure O ; HOCD ; ROCD; (POCD?) - Can't take it anymore.

Postby Otter » Sun May 25, 2014 7:01 pm

It's difficult to tell while might be symptoms OCD and what might be something else.

All of these relationships are online?

Why did one of the friends say this:

Another thing is that one of her friends claimed that we're in an abusive relationship (she doesn't know about my OCD) and that I'd possibly hit her if we lived in the same area (remember, overseas relationship)...


...what reason would she have for saying that?
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Re: Pure O ; HOCD ; ROCD; (POCD?) - Can't take it anymore.

Postby Alanator » Sun May 25, 2014 8:33 pm

Yeah, I met my girlfriend online and we're going to meet up for the 1st time in October.

Yeah, my sexting encounters were also chicks I met on the web, I'm not in touch with them anymore though and I talked to my girlfriend about it and it's all cool.

Cause her friend doesn't know about the OCD but she told her about what happened... like what I said to her and all that.

What do you mean by "It's difficult to tell while might be symptoms OCD and what might be something else. "

I kind of doubt everything at the moment :/
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