What the heck is going on with me? HOCD or severe denial?

Honestly I cannot even tell you the distress this is causing me. Growing up, I never really considered myself to have OCD, though I do recall being obsessed with lots of trivial things. My headphones would have to be wrapped a certain way, hair done a certain way, would have to check things multiple times to see if they were put away, checking if the door was locked 3 or 4 times in one night, etc. However, I was never specifically diagnosed, and I often hear online that HOCD is only possible if one has been officially diagnosed with OCD in the past. I have always been very low on self-esteem, and also usually feel paranoia in situations where people are talking/laughing and I feel like it is about me.

Growing up, I have always felt emotionally, sexually, and romantically attracted to women. There was never a doubt in my mind I was gay, or even bisexual. I'm 18 now, and have dated 3 women throughout my life. Though sometimes my shyness made the relationships a bit awkward, I'm pretty damn sure I enjoyed the hell out of them while they lasted. I used to get the biggest butterflies in my stomach lying with my third girlfriend, but her mental problems (PTSD) ended up controlling the relationship and essentially made it impossible to stay together. She broke up with me, but I couldn't help but feel it was because she missed her old ex-boyfriend, who had became a friend of mine months ago. At this point, I become obsessed with the idea and began to hate them. I would always gossip about them and feel everyone was out to me, and would spend weeks crying, being bitter, and doing drugs alone at home. Eventually, this horrible thing passed and now I consider myself on good terms with both of them, even though I'm still pretty sure they like each other. I should also mention I had some amazing sexual experiences with her that still arouse me while thinking about them to this day.

Now, that was about a year ago, so rewind about 6-7 months ago. I went through a bicurious phase where I would go on sites with webcam chat and pose erotically for both men and women to masturbate to me. I should also note that even though I would be hard during these experiences, I was never able to 'get off' to the men, and while they were getting off to me I was thinking about my ex-girlfriend and other women. Reflection on this months later, I think the lack of sexual attention prompted me to spiral into this. The fantasies were fun and whatnot, but at the end of the day after leaving the sites I still always felt undoubtedly straight, maybe just curious. In real life, I never felt the urges to do these things, even though my age has now made it possible. From time to time, I still feel like going on the site but instead I usually just masturbate to straight porn and go on with life. I never worried what the craving of attention meant; I just knew I loved it and it made me very confident in my body.

Let's go back about 3 months ago, when all of this weirdness started. Obviously, I began to realize I was not 100% straight like I used to believe. Though this was difficult to accept at first, I came to terms with it and began to accept the term bicurious. Then, I began to think what if all the relationships I enjoyed in the past were just a cover up? The fact that the online experiences aroused me so much reignited these fears and suddenly I became terrified at the thought of BEING gay. I was so worried I could never enjoy a heterosexual relationship again. Since the break up, I have been single and too insecure to pursue women like I used to. I would literally spend HOURS a day researching things like 'am i gay', 'is hocd real or in denial', 'am i bisexual', 'does being bi mean you're gay', etc. I would cry and become depressed and want to be alone for hours on end, and thoughts of suicide were not uncommon. My sexual drive was very low and the insecure thoughts have became even worse in recent months as I noticed all of my friends openly getting girls and becoming sexually satisfied; while I would sit on the side and worry all day at home, avoiding seeing them at all. In public, I would constantly 'check' to see if I was gay; looking at men and their bodies; looking at women and their bodies. At home, I would go on porn sites and when I once became aroused by pictures of a transsexual I freaked out and became incredibly sad and distant again. I should note that I have developed crushes on women during these stages, and the fact my depression kept me from trying to get them just made things even worse.

After further researching the OCD, I began to discover what 'spikes' were, and what mine were. The first one I can recall is the picture of the transsexual arousing me. Then, another day when I was researching HOCD vs denial I came across a board full of gay men who stated HOCD is not real and is just a term for closeted gay men in order to make themselves more comfortable. This thought terrified me, and the obsession with checking and spiking and researching became more dramatic. I felt like my whole life was a lie, and later that night, when I read that some men are in the closets their whole lives due to fear of harassment about their orientation, I spiked again and slept for hours; smoking countless cigarettes and trying to make myself better. Now, my life is filled with devoting many hours a day to checking and trying to make myself feel better. Unfortunately, nothing ever seems to work.

What is WRONG with me?!?! I can't keep living a life of such fear and depression. I want to know the definitive answer. I flip flop between being straight, gay, bisexual, asexual, and confused about 5-10 times a day and it's terrible. Sometimes I have days where I feel alright and feel drawn to women and other days I feel like sitting and home all day feeling terrible about myself. I still live at home and haven't told anyone about these problems yet as I feel my family will think I'm weird and just temporarily reassure me until the intrusive thoughts come back again a few hours later. This is literally destroying my life. Up until this point, I have been a decently successful musician and have done well at school and staying out of trouble. Now, I just feel like I'm going to snap at any moment and just freak out. Please help.

All answers appreciated. Sorry for the read, but I feel this accurately describes everything about me.

I hope this doesn't come off as lazy, but I just made a long post in another thread that I think you'll find useful. I'm going to paste it here. Also, this is the thread referenced in the post that you should DEFINITELY READ: obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html

First of all, if you need someone to talk to don't hesitate to send me a PM with your email or an instant messenger handle. I'm 25 and I've had OCD since I was 11 years old, and I think I can give you some insight on what's going on, why it's happening, and what to do next. The thread Ada linked above has a good deal of the information and I think it's a pretty decent place to start.

I lived through HOCD and I know exactly how horrifying it can be. It tampers with your core identity which really throws your entire life into disarray. Something which seemed to be completely harmless only a short while ago is now completely ruining your life. What's the solution? Well, the one that immediately comes to mind is to shut it off by finding the answer! However, here's the paradox about OCD; reassurance won't help, and yet it's the thing you're driven to search for. This is only natural, and for most situations with non-OCs it's totally fine and indeed a useful response. If you aren't sure you locked your door, you can turn the handle and check to get your answer and everything's fine. However, for some people that little click of "everything is okay, my door is locked" doesn't happen. They're filled with anxiety and uncertainty and they turn back to check again, knowing full-well that they already looked just a moment ago. They may check over a dozen times before the feeling of doubt and anxiety leaves them. This seems bizarre, doesn't it? The door is locked! They just confirmed it themselves! Why in the world would they keep checking? The answer is because their intense feeling of doubt and anxiety will plague them until they perform their checking response enough times to alleviate the anxiety. They're doing it as an escape; an escape from their anxiety.

The same principal is identical with HOCD. You're afraid that you're gay, so you check or ruminate. After you feel you have a sufficient answer, you feel a brief period of relief. Perhaps 10 or 15 minutes later, suddenly you have another spike of anxiety. In an effort to get rid of it, you perform another checking ritual. It's like playing a game of whack-a-mole where you never win and it's horrible. The truth is, the only way to win is to not play the game at all. Rather than seeking relief or trying to escape the anxiety associated with these thoughts, you can make the choice to endure and accept it.

SITUATION: You're browsing Facebook when you suddenly feel a rush of anxiety after passing by a photo of a female friend.

THOUGHT:
"Did I find her attractive? I think I just felt some arousal! Oh my god, what if that means I'm gay?"

NON-THERAPEUTIC RESPONSE:
Checking image to evaluate level of arousal. Mental rumination to figure out if you've ever felt attraction to this person before, and thinking it over until you feel you have a sufficient answer. Anxiety goes away. The mind receives a clear message that the fear was legitimate because of your effort to neutralize it.

RESPONSE:
"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I'm not going to live with not knowing for sure." This is followed with a rush of anxiety which you were anticipating. It's uncomfortable, but you know you can endure and that it will go away on its own. After 10-15 minutes, the anxiety is gone and you feel a sense of control. The thought becomes much less likely to reoccur because if your accepting attitude, which signals the brain that it's not a threat.

It's hard to summarize how to handle OCD in one post and I strongly advise you read my post linked above check the resources linked inside of it. However, in extremely simplified form treating OCD involves:

1) Accepting all thoughts (even one which cause you great anxiety) and not pushing them away. If a distressing thought occurs, create a little mental cubby-hole in your mind for it and allow its presence. Whenever it flares up, acknowledge that it's still there and that it's okay with you.

2) Mental rumination sends a message to the mind that your fear is legitimate and ensures it will occur again. An accepting attitude towards the anxiety and the thoughts sends a message that this isn't a threat to you, and as such it will drop off over time.

3) You can endure the anxiety, and it will always go away on its own. There's an initial leap of faith in OCD where you must take the step to not engage in the escape response and see for yourself that the anxiety will go away in its own without your intervention. The more you do this, the more confidence you'll gain and the better you'll get.

4) You can't directly control which thoughts you have or how much anxiety they create, but you can influence it over time by how you respond.

5) The goal is not certainty, but rather indifference to uncertainty. Treating HOCD isn't about finding the perfect answer to whether or not your gay, but rather creating a completely neutral response to the question. Once you have a neutral response, the thoughts and anxiety are gone.

5) I had HOCD, and now I don't. There's light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

Virtually everyone goes through their own sexual experimentation, which is why HOCD is so potent. Sexuality simply isn't just black and white. The problem is not if you're gay, straight, or bi. The problem is that your brain is misfiring and causing you hell trying to find a black-and-white absolute answer. The thing is, the deeper you delve and the more you ruminate the worse it gets. In an attempt to seek answers, you dig yourself deeper into the hole of uncertainty.

Dear pleasehelpme24,
First let me start by saying that you are not alone in this, I'm a girl and I deal with this also. Up until tonight reading your post I never felt like anyone really hit it on the head with exactly what I was going threw, but you did. I've been dealing with this for a year now and at one point I had spiraled out of control. I was constant about checking, my anxiety grew, and so did other ocd symptoms, insomnia and just overall depression plagued my life. I didn't feel like myself, and questioning my sexuality made me feel like my entire world was getting turned upside down. I didn't get it and the only way I could would be to tell myself I was bisexual, asexual, heterosexual, homosexual whatever I could to just suppress the questions, the checks, everything, but I came to found they don't stop. The answer was never going to come to me, no one was going to be able to give me a definite answer, and I would never think the way I used to think.
Here's what has helped me most. I meditate. I tell myself over and over thoughts are just thoughts and I chose what to do with my life, I chose what makes me happy. My hocd is still a battle, everyday, but instead of trying to pin down what I am as hard as that is, because I'd sure like a concrete answer, I've allowed myself to just be, your body, heart, and soul will guide you in the right direction. Hocd is completely real and I have it, I know I do , or do I? Haha ocd joke, but anyways I'm glad you posted because I understand you completely and I really hope you find comfort in this forum and try and just find some people to talk to, because it really helps when you have someone to talk to who gets it.